Hello, "I don't know" pretty much sums up everything I'm feeling at the moment. Confusion is rife. I'm 21 years old and for as long as I can remember I've been attracted to women. At the time I just fobbed it off as a "girl crush" or a phases I was going through. I've always dismissed it. Perhaps that was due to me wanting to trying to cling onto "normal", to what my family and everyone around me had always told me my future would be and involve. After years of ignoring and quashing these emotions I can't anymore. These aren't fleeting attractions, they aren't going away if anything they're getting more intense and harder to hide. I don't just have a physical attraction to women, I genuinely feel attracted to them on every level and aspect. I've never met a man yet who's been able to give me that warm fuzzy feeling in my belly and make me smile every time I see them. There has been women though. Again though I've never acted on any of these feelings because,well that would be acceptance. Acceptance is a big issue I've realised. Not in terms of how my family or friends would react, they're all good people. I wouldn't be friends with them or acknowledge them as family if I felt otherise(even when I was convincing myself I was straight and this was a phase). The issue is I can't bring myself to accept it. I can't admit and accept who I am and it's an awful feeling. Coming it is increasingly in the forefront of my mind and I've came close to mentioning it to my best friend several times but I chicken out. I can't do it. It's like there's a wall that gets built in the 0.2secs between the words forming in my head and getting to my mouth. I'm not someone who ever speaks about my crushes or sex or anything with friends (they probably think it's just cos I'm a prude or something). Really it's because I don't want to get myself into a situation where I have to put on the "Yeah I fancy him" front..again. So coming out will be even harder as I feel they won't ever be expecting it. Basically I just need advice. I want to know if I'm alone and if anyone has been through this too. Thank you. BananaB
You're definitely not alone. I actually just made a thread about something somewhat similar, except I'm trying to accept myself as being bi. I have plenty of gay friends and all of them say that they went through a denial stage where they try to lie to themselves about being attracted to the same sex, and I've been through the same thing. Even now, when all signs point to me being bi, I still try to deny it inside. Admitting it to yourself seems to be the hardest part. You are totally not alone with that. It's a process, I'm learning, and it gets easier from what I've heard from my friends. It takes time, I think, but I know you will accept yourself in time, just like I will--you just have to process it and all.
Initially I thought "Maybe I'm bi?" then I realised that I can look at a man and acknowledge he's good looking or funny or smart but I'm not attracted. I also feel like once it's out there's no going back. It's out. I can't put those words back in my mouth and that's it. For some that's the aim that's the goal and the dream but for me it's terrifying.
I know how you feel about the second part--once it's out, it's out. I've actually been thinking about that a lot, because I have gay friends that have reached a point in accepting themselves that they don't care who knows. I'd love to be that comfortable with myself at some point, but I'm not even near that right now. I'm scared to tell too many of my close friends because I feel like if I tell the wrong person, they will tell more people and something that was told in confidence will turn in something everyone knows! I'm not that far into accepting myself that I'm ready for that many people to know. So I know exactly what you mean by that. As far as the whole trying to convince yourself you're attracted to men thing goes, my best friend is a lesbian and she went through the same thing. She dated one of our mutual friends (a guy) for a year before realizing that she actually wasn't attracted to men at all. It's good for you to acknowledge that there is no attraction there rather than trying to convince yourself otherwise. It's all a part of accepting yourself and all of it is completely normal.
I'm glad I'm not alone. I have friends who are gay and out and happy. Perhaps I also have friends in the same boat as me, who knows? I haven't told a soul. I haven't even had the bravery to say to myself out loud that I have these emotions. I've battled with them in my head for going on a year now but never have I even had the courage to say them aloud to myself. I'm scared of the reality and I don't even know why.
I often wonder if any of my friends are in the same situation too. It's hard to know. When you feel ready, if you are particularly close to any of your friends who are gay and know you can trust them, I would encourage you to come out to them. My best friend is gay and he was the first person I came out to (just a few weeks ago). Knowing that he was gay, I had no fear of rejection like I might with someone who is straight. Your gay friends may even already know, anyway--when I told my friend, his reaction was word for word, "honestly, I kinda already knew" and he gave me a lot of great advice and encouragement. I totally understand why you're scared to tell anyone else. Accepting yourself is the biggest step, it seems like. I'm just about in the same position as you. Don't be too hard on yourself! It will all make sense in time and you will get more comfortable with telling others as you begin to process it yourself.
Joining here took a lot. I'm hoping it's the first step. I deliberated for days over whether or not to join. My problem is my gay friend won't be very supportive. I mean he's a great guy amd if I needed physical support he'd be there in a flash to carry me up 50 flights of stairs but for emotional support he's the last person I'd go too. He's the probably the only one I'm wary about at all.
