First of all, hello. I am a 19 y/o guy and I'm gay. I've been snooping on this forum for a while but just now I decided to create an account. Well, I finally decided I should come out to my parents just to get this finally over with. Let me tell you a little bit about my past stories: Once, my parents found some of my Google research and noticed that I was searching something about gays (I don't remember what), that day they were really angry and intimidating, I got so nervous and scared I don't even remember it right. They reunited at their bedroom with the door locked and then they started questioning me about that stuff, I denied it all, I don't remember how. I felt really bad for the following days. Since then, they have been pressuring me to get a girlfriend, asking me when I will get one, etc. I always do my best to escape those situations. They already think that I am gay. They always say lots of bad things about gays to me, sometimes they speak about some relatives they have that are brilliant but have no family and they don't think they are real men, just because of their sexual orientation. However, I do remember that, long before, my father was talking to my mother about gays and he said that they do not choose to be like that and that they should be respected. Also, when I was a kid, my mom was talking to me about a gay guy she knew and she told me that what she really felt about gay people was only pity, because of the hard life they have and all they should go through. I think that what they do today is just trying to scare me in order to see if I can become straight. I think that, in their had, I shouldn't feel comfortable about being gay because I would then go for it. They always use that tactic. All my life I thought I wouldn't come out to them before I finished university because I was so scared of the idea of them disowning me and me not having any money to live. Now, I really thought this through and I think they wouldn't do this. In order for someone to do this, they should be really bad and full with hate. I don't think they are like that, they are just a little dumb and innocent Last summer, I applied to university abroad and got accepted. Here I am now, living in another country, where I have no family and sadly not so many intimate friends (I am a difficult person to get emotionally attached to) yet. Anyway, this has made me feel much better because I'm not bullied by them every single day. I also started to think about all the stuff we have to put up with and I'm really angry about how unfair this is. I want to live a normal life and this is one of the things holding me back. I don't want to wait until my studies are over to do so, I feel like I am losing my lifetime and my studies are really really long. I don't think I deserve to feel as sad as this when everyone around me has fun. What should I do? How should I come out? There are more things you should know, I am really not a fan of emotional moments. People actually say I'm a robot because I never express my emotions that much I feel embarrassed about those things and I don't want anybody crying over me or asking me emotional questions. I also think it's very weird to go and tell someone you're gay, I prefer addressing the issue in a more natural way. I think of maybe telling them on the phone when I am not in my home country and the subject comes on, like when they ask me about girls. Or maybe I should wait until I get a boyfriend and I tell them I'm seeing someone. I have already heard that this is not a good option but I kind of like it better. Another thing is that I get this feeling that I should not come out to them until I get the planned life I've always expected. It's really weird for me to break those plans in the middle. I am also a little scared about feeling again like the way I felt when they found my google history, I was shaking for days, feeling extremely bad stomach pain and I was scared for my future. Another thing is, I have a grandmother who is really homophobic. While she has no clue I'm gay, she loves me and tells everyone that she thinks I am going to be the biggest man in all our family, as she thinks I am on the right track. Although, she has already said that she would rather have a dead son than a gay one, because she really hates gays. The moment she gets to know this, I'm nothing more to her. She will certainly detest me and badmouth me to everyone in the family, saying how disappointing I turned out to be. I am not that much emotionally attached to anyone in my family, but having to hear those critics must be very unpleasant. How do I deal with this? How could I beat her in a possible debate? Thank you very much for your time, I'm sorry for how big this has become. I think it's all there.
Welcome to EC! I would say that maybe you should wait until you finish college and then come out to them. Don't mind you grandmother saying those kinds of things, some people just will not be beaten no matter how strong the other point is, so it would be pointless to argue with her. I also agree on coming out in a more natural way, but don't come out by saying that you have a boyfriend. It just isn't a good idea, no matter how appealing it seems.
Heeeey sir, welcome to Empty Closets, here's your wristband and your sex on the beach. Now seriously... I strongly advise you not to come out to your parents for two reasons. The first is really hard to understand because my point of view is really not the best option for everyone and it comes from me who does not apreciate family that much. You shouldn't come out to them because they do not deserve to be part of your life anymore. WAIT WHAT? Yes. They did everything to make you unconfortable, to put you down... They interrogated you for fuck sake! That's like way across any respectful border stablished between you three. I know your parents built some great expectations on you but that doesn't mean they have the right to force you to be who they want to be. Get used to think of your life without them and here I start the second reason. You shouldn't come out to them because you have EVERYTHING on your hands to change your life. You are on a different country with different and new people to meet. Man, that's the life I want to have! Get dressed with your best clothes and party! If you don't like parties, go to a bar, meet interesting people, do anything... You are in heaven and you seem like that haven't noticed it. Your parents can't control your life from where they are, they can't chose your friends from where they are and they can't INTERROGATE YOU for being who you are from a distance. I am sorry if I am being too hard but that's how I'd feel. If you have the need to still be close to your family, please ignore everything you've just read. If you really want to change your life, then do not come out to them, not right now. Wait, time is the real Lord. Someday they will get to know what you did in the past 10 or 15 years, after you are a great and successful grown up gay man, mature enough to tell them the truth and be proud of it, without any worries of what's gonna come next because you lived long enough without them.
hey dude, welcome to the site! yea, i said it once, i'll say it again, just because they're part of your blood doesn't mean they are your family. and when i say that, i mean part of the purpose of a family is not for you to be judged upon and make you feel uncomfortable. they're supposed to be COMPLETELY the opposite of what you just stated. so the choice of coming out to your parents and the rest of your family is totally up to you. after all, it's your business. do it because it feels right and ready for you, not just be forced into the corner and give in. your father said that gays don't really choose to live that way, and so take it as a bit of hope and chance that they will come to understand. if they want to talk shit, ignore it. if that's all they want to do, then they will eventually run out of words and come to realize how stupid they sound. seems like your family states and live on a lot of myths, especially about "real men". in my eyes, you would be the biggest man in the family and why is that? because you chose to live a life openly and more honest about yourself without any regrets. don't be scared to live your life the way you want. it's yours to live it. you don't have to live by the gay stereotypes to be gay.
Hello and welcome! I'll offer some insight as my family was not supportive when I came out. My story is pretty similar to yours in a lot of ways. My parents would always ask about getting a girlfriend, etc. That's actually how I came out to them. I said, "You know how you're always asking me about getting a girlfriend, the reason I don't is because I'm gay." Now, as far as waiting. If you are only abroad for a semester, I'd consider waiting. Only you'll be able to decide what's best in this case as it is very unique. I would say that if you think your parents love for you will overpower their uniformed ignorance, come out. If you risk losing funding for school, you might want to wait. SCREW YOUR GRANDMA! It's your life, not her's. Sorry my post is so choppy. I'm really tired right now. If you have more specific questions, just ask.
Thank you all for being so supportive and welcoming I didn't address all the topics talked about in each post on the direct response to the poster, some of them are discussed in my responses to other people so that they are more well distributed. Here it goes: @GayCJ Thanks for giving your opinion on that, I won't come out telling them I have a boyfriend anymore, I think I'll just drop it casually on a conversation. Well, as Skov said, screw grandma, lol. I just wanna give some thoughts to what I'm gonna say to her on a possible confrontation, I just don't want to be the silent victim. If she does aggress me verbally, she will suffer too. @Jonnemack I understand you, I really do. As I said, I'm not very emotionally attached to them. However, the reason I want to tell them is not because they deserve it, because they really don't. I want to come out for myself, I wanna be able to live openly and without making appearances as I have always done. Most of my life so far was not real to me, it was just a show, and I don't want the future to be like that. When I'll have someone with me, I'll want to show him to the world (if that's what he wants). I don't want people to have wrong ideas about who I am, that feels like being called the wrong name all your life and saying nothing. It doesn't feel for me like I have everything to change my life because that subject would always be pending. In order to be genuinely happy, I want to get rid of all the things keeping me down in my life. Sure they can't control what I do here, but it would always feel incomplete. I'm not a big fan of parties but I do like the idea of bars Maybe I'll give them a try later on. Thanks! @Bolt35 I know that what they did sucks and that I don't have to accept it. Although, I think I need a definitive answer about them. I want to know whether I should still invest on them or definitely give up and I only would know that by coming out. Yes, they do seem really stupid when they say those things, but I think they don't really believe on them. It's somehow like the Mean Girl's scene when the teacher says "Don't have sex, because you will get pregnant and die", it seems like their way to scare me and stay far away from "the gay". They usually do that, not just about my sexuality, about common stuff like alcohol for example. I don't take them as serious people, I find them a little redneck-ish. Since I left my country, they have been really missing me. They want me to come back in every longer holiday I have, which is not possible because I'm living on another continent. They worry a lot about how things are going on and get emotional saying that they are scared to lose me (that's only related to the distance between us). They seem to be getting more supportive towards gays. When they came here in January, they didn't interrogate me that much, it was really different. Also, my mother talked to me about one of my second degree cousins that I recently got to know and she said that she thinks he lives sadly because he doesn't admit he is gay. She did not badmouth him, though my father said that he finds him a little flamboyant. My father sometimes acts non-sense and everyone thinks that about him, I don't take him seriously. Thanks for the compliment, that's really what I wanna do. If people tend to disrespect me, I will crush them. Not trying to brag about it but I have some accomplishments and I know my value. I have what it takes to bring them down. @Skov Thanks for sharing your experience, I think that that's how I'm gonna do it. If you don't mind me asking, how did your parents react? I'm not abroad for only a semester, I got into normal university and I am most certainly going to live in some other european country forever since I'm able to get european citizenship whenever I want. I think of doing it after this year's summer vacations, because I plan on doing some things before. I talked to 2 of my friends and they said they don't think it's likely for my parents to cut off my financial aid. I think that the most they can do is ignoring me, which I think I can handle. Although it's hard, that kind of thing makes me forget people and I start feeling nothing for them. In the really improbable situation they disown me, I would try faking that I want to be straight just in order to get my money back again and continue in university. After it would be over, I wouldn't ever talk to them again. Thank you so much all of you, writing this made me feel much better and got my ideas straighter. I wasn't expecting that some people thought like me since my friends usually don't. They think I'm too cold hearted and that I shouldn't do some things I do, hearing what you said made my conscience feel a lot lighter. Oh god, this has got long again.
Sure I'll give you my full-ish story (this will probably be pretty long). If you want to skip to the reaction, start below the double line. So, I grew up in a very conservative area of the US. My parents are both very religious and conservative (well my mom is less so than my dad). The only exposure that my parents have had to gay people are from stories they see on Fox News which they watch every night, and from my Mom's brother who is gay. They only see being gay as a very negative thing because of her brother who lives a very sad and unhappy life. He married to try to be straight, etc. Because of where I grew up, I didn't think people really were gay. I thought it was a choice for attention (I know it's a messed up view, but that's how myself and my parents actually thought... well I think my parents still think that way). Anyways, I was in denial pretty much all of high school and my first year of college. In August, I had a sort of, "Oh shit, I'm gay!" moment. I had many thoughts like, "I'll never tell my dad." I go to school over 600 miles away from home, so I only see my parents on holiday breaks. I decided to mention some more pro LGBT things when we talked to warm them up to the idea. My parents have always constantly pressured me about getting a girlfriend. Most of my friends I hang out with are girls, so my parents always wanted me to date them, this one friend (I'll just refer to her as my best friend from now on) in particular. They kept pressuring me to date her so much and they said they couldn't understand why. I told them it was because "the attraction just wasn't there." I thought they would get the hint, but they didn't. So I decided I was going to come out to them over winter break. (I had only told my best friends and my sister.) So, fast forward to winter break. One of the first things that happened over break was the Phil Robertson (Duck Dynasty guy) thing. He pretty much just made a bunch of homophobic remarks if you haven't heard of the story. Anyways, I remember a story about it was on the news, and my dad commented, "I'm really glad that Phil put the homosexuals in their place." That was really hard to hear from him. I remember another LGBT story was on the news and my dad was saying (very sarcastically), "Yeah, gay people are so natural. Two men are just meant to be together." He was being incredibly sarcastic and insulting when saying that. He doesn't actually think that at all. So, that hurt a lot too. One night, I came home at roughly 11 o'clock after hanging out with friends. This was towards the middle/end of break. I just sat in my car in the driveway for like 10 minutes just thinking, "How am I going to tell them?" I figured everyone would be asleep inside. It turns out that my dad had seen the lights of my car in the driveway and had been waiting inside to scare me when I came in (he likes to joke around a lot). When I came in, he asked, "What took you so long." I replied, "I was just thinking." He asked, "What were you thinking about?" I said, "I don't want to talk about it." He said, "You can tell me anything." So I finally said, "You know how you always want me to date my best friend and other friends who are girls? The reason I don't is because i'm gay..." -- I'll always remember what happened next clearly. He just looked down and shook his head no. He told me that I'm not; I'm confused; It isn't right; I won't be able to get into heaven living this lifestyle; I will get AIDS and die; He just really doesn't like gay people because they go against everything he believes in; I'll never be able to have a family; I'll end up alone and miserable just like my Uncle; that I need to talk to a psychiatrist; and that he loved me. So, even though he said a lot of terrible things and doesn't accept me, he still loves me. I've only seen my Dad cry twice: once at his dad's funeral, and this night. So, I went up to get ready for bed because he pretty much ended up walking away from me while we were talking. I texted some people about what happened. After I brush my teeth and stuff, I see him just sitting in the corner of my room in the dark. He pretty much just repeated the above stuff. When I said I could have a family if I wanted, he said that it wasn't right. He then ended up punching a wall as he walked down the stairs and that was the end of that night. Early the next morning sometime, I got woken up by my mom coming into my room to talk to me. She was crying saying that she had know idea; wanted to know how I knew; said she was scared for me (she said this alot); was worried I'm going to end up with AIDS and alone. So she was more worried rather than nasty. I got up later that day and went downstairs for breakfast and my dad wasn't there. I think he went to his mom's to talk about it. Pretty much he didn't say a word to me that day. We had one "family meeting" where I pretty much just heard about how I'm confused and he didn't support it, but he loved me. He said that he thought about throwing me out that night, but didn't because he loves me. He made it clear though that he will not support it. I guess he didn't sleep at all those first few nights and I checked the history on our computer and my mom was searching "the Bible and homosexuality." Then the next day, it was like normal almost. Like they didn't mention a word about it and acted like nothing had happened, and honestly that's kinda where they are still at now. I know they would flip if they heard about me dating someone or something. It's just something they don't talk about with me, but I know that they are struggling to accept and that they love me. Even though it went pretty badly, I'm still really glad I told them. I feel so much better myself even though they said some nasty things. If you don't think you'll get your finances cut off, I recommend coming out to them. You'll probably feel a lot better even if it goes bad.
In a nutshell for me, everything comes a simple statement. If your family is really supportive, if they will still love you and behave EXACTLY THE SAME WAY it was before you came out, if they not just "love you" but love you from who you are... Then you should come out, for you and for them. I got really sad reading your story, Skov, seriously. I can't even imagine my dad punching walls around the house or not sleeping at night because of me... He does that cause he does not have a proof that he is wrong. What if you came out to them after being successful and happy with a guy you love? What if you really settled your life, despite what they would say? That's the moment to come out, to tell everyone you're gay but you are just like everyone else.
I disagree with the parts I bolded. My dad would've reacted badly whether I was happy with a guy or not. In fact, I think he would have reacted worse if I were happy together with a guy because it would make it all too real for him. I am a firm believer that a person should come out when they want to. I didn't come out to please other people; I did it for myself when I felt that the time was right. I encourage everyone else to do the same. Some people are going to react badly no matter what. If we try to please those people, we only hurt ourselves more.
Thank you for telling your story, Skov. I read it all and I also felt awful, mostly because it was quite similar to me the day my parents found out what I had been googling. They asked me with angry faces why I was searching that, I denied it all and then they went to their room and locked the doors. They stayed there for about half an hour and then they came to me looking nervous and asking me again, they gave me the whole speech about gays not having families and being a shame. Later that night, my mother had to get some things in my room, she did it without saying a word to me, like if I wasn't there. What made it even worse is that we were going to travel to Paris the next day (a 13 hour flight + a 2,5 hour car drive to the nearest international airport). That day, they spoke to me nothing more than the necessary, they only asked me to pass the butter or to get ready. But at least, when we arrived, they also started acting as if nothing ever happened and things were more ok. On the following months, they asked me sometimes about that while eating, but I always found a way to escape. Then, they always badmouthed gays. I think that, if I do it, they'll behave like this again for some days but then it would be over. If it didn't end, at least I'm living in another country now and I don't have to be by their side all the time. I used to think like Jonnemack does, I wanted to come out after obtaining financial and professional success. However, I had an epiphany these days and concluded I want to do it sooner, because my studies will be long and it's unlikely that they would cut my financial aid. I don't want to waste any more time being like this. I would be happy even if I got a negative reaction.
