Well as you can tell by my username my name is Addison, I am 17 years old living in the U.S. All my life I was never the "normal" type, I never really realized when I was a child, but I've been gay all my life. I never really start considering myself "gay" until recently, I just didn't like that label. It didn't really bother me much, I didn't tell anyone and I didn't express any homosexual attitudes and stereotypes, and I still don't. Nobody can really tell that I am gay and I really want to keep it that way but recently, for some odd reason, it has struck me more that I am gay. I didn't have a problem with it before, in fact I ignored it as much as I could. But since three weeks ago, I've had the urge to talk someone about my situation. I just really needed to talk to someone, I felt that I needed to tell someone, because I felt alone, I needed to know that at least one person supported me. So about a week ago, I texted one of my female friends who happens to have a twin sister that came out a couple of years ago. I asked her if we could talk the next day during lunch about a serious topic, and gladly she said yes. I barely had any sleep that night. The next day, I was obviously very nervous (It was my first time I told ANYONE) once lunch came around, and so she came into the library during lunch time, and she sat right beside me. I had no idea how to start, and I didn't dare say the word "gay", I just felt really ashamed of myself. So as you can guess I was very indirect, and I asked her, "How would you explain to someone, something they can't understand?", and well she continued to give me some basic advice but she still had no idea what I really wanted to say. So I started becoming more direct but I decided I would not use the word "gay", instead I told her, "I'm not attracted to females", and well that was an immediate give-away. I felt too embarrassed to talk anymore so we started texting each other even though she was siting right beside me. Luckily and not surprisingly, she fully supported me and gave me some great advice via text. After lunch, I told her that I hope she doesn't see me any different that she did before lunch, and she agreed. The day went on, and well I felt good that I actually came out for the first time to someone but I still felt very depressed because all that was going through my head is the thought of telling my parents. My friend told me to take my time, that I shouldn't rush to tell them sensitive information especially since they are very religious. I followed her advice, and I haven't told them a thing, and I probably won't until I become fully independent of myself. Things didn't stop there, my friends noticed how depressed I was, and being the good friends they are (I guess), they decided to appoint me a talk with the counselor without even telling me. So a couple of days ago, I was called down to the office and let into a room with a nice lady who was my counselor. She told me straight away that some of my friends have been concerned, and I gave here the typical excuse of, "Oh, it's just school", but after rambling on on how to stay motivated, she noticed I let off a sigh during our conversation and I guess I looked nervous. She asked me if there is anything else oppressing me other than school and I couldn't help but to tell her "yes". Again, feeling ashamed, I didn't want to say directly, "I am gay". So I stuttered trying to explain to her that I have this "weird issue", and that I can't change it because it's just part of who I am. She then directed my attention to a poster that had to do with equal rights and ironically enough, it had the multicoloured gay rights flag on it. She told me if that was related to what I'm trying to say and I confirmed that. Then, not expecting her to understand my situation, she started talking about her brother who is also gay. She showed me some personal pictures of her family including her brother, and told me about the day her brother came out. She told me that everybody in her family was accepting of it, and that they were so supportive that they even went on to gay rights rallies with him to support gay rights. I was absolutely delighted with the story, it was certainly a happy one. The counselor and I agreed to have another meeting next week to talk about my progress and she assured me that my secret won't be spoken of outside her office. I was relieved the talk went out better than I expected, but I kept thinking to myself if my family would react the same way my counselor's family did when, and if, I told my family. So it all boils down to this, I don't know if I should ever tell my parents about my orientation. I just can't get the idea of coming out to my parents through my head. Should I ever tell them? What suggestions or tips do you have about coming out? I am really just stuck right now. Thank you for reading my rather long story :/
Welcome to EC Addison! I want to start by just saying well done for telling your friend. It's not always an easy thing to come out and say, even if you're SURE they will take it well. I know I was scared to death of telling my best friend and he's bisexual! I'm not sure I managed to get the words out either... Anyway, parents. I try not to consider the super-long-term if I can avoid it, but since you are worrying about if you should 'EVER' tell them, I'll make an exception. I'm going to make the somewhat bold assumption that you don't intend to be alone forever. Most (but by no means all) people eventually want to find a partner. If you find a partner, I am again going to assume that you would rather find a guy you are happy with than force yourself to be with a woman (ask anyone who tried to force themselves and see how hard it was!). If you are going to find a partner, I assume you don't intend to become financially independent and then never EVER speak to them again. Point is, assuming you actually plan to talk to your parents ever again and you want to be able to live the life you want, eventually they will find out. People understand to some extent when their partner wants to keep there relationship secret from their parents BUT not for very long. We see all sorts of posts about people who are broken hearted that their partners parents don't know they are together. It feels like their partner is ashamed of them. As for your parents, it's better they hear it from you rather than somebody else. BUT That doesn't mean you have to tell them now or even soon. Unless you suddenly get an amazing confidence boost, I don't think there is much danger of you going from where you are now to dating a guy any time soon, do you? Really that's the reason you tell people. So they don't say something stupid or offensive when you eventually bring someone home. You tell them beforehand so you don't have to put somebody else through it. Now we don't know much about your parents other than they are religious. Religious doesn't necessarily mean homophobic, so unless they are also openly homophobic they might suprise you.
Thank you for your response Ellia, I really appreciate it. I don't plan on finding a partner just yet, sure I've had crushes on some guys but I've stayed away from the relationship realm. I barely have time for myself, considering I get a lot of school work from my IB classes. Anyways, yes, sometime in the future I will probably find a partner, but if I do, I really wouldn't want to totally exclude my family from my life, and I most certainly wouldn't want then to find out by some other source other than my words. My parents, I guess you can say they aren't the homophobic stereotypical religious parents you'd expect, and they do love me, but they always have high expectations for me. I feel like of I told them I am gay, they would be extremely disappointed, who knows what else they would do, I can't really predict that. Does the "right time" to tell them come magically? What should I expect?
One thing you should understand about coming out. Coming out is about YOU. Not about your parents or your friends or the people down the street, it's all completely about YOU. Remember, you're not asking for permission. You're not begging them to still love you. You're not trying to hurt THEM. All you're doing is saying that this is how you feel. That's it. Now we hear a lot of talk about disappointing our parents when we come out, it's a really common concern. Turns out, once you've done it and had time to think it through you realise how insane that is. Think about it, what do your parents have to be disappointed about? What CAN they be disappointed about. You won't have a wife? Who says you would if you were straight. You won't have kids, or at least biological ones? Says who, and more importantly what if you never wanted them!? Basically if they are disappointed with you, it's because you haven't lived up to some fiction they've been imagining. Their disappointment is based on nothing. YOU on the other hand, would have every right to be disappointed in THEM if they don't accept you. The right time...honestly I'm not sure if there is ever a right time. You could wait for ever for the perfect opportunity and never find it. Get comfortable with it yourself. Don't feel pressured to come out until you are able to answer questions and defend yourself properly. The last thing you want is to go to your parents and barely splutter out 'I don't like girls' because if they DO take it badly, you will not get out of that. As for what you should expect, that really depends on your parents. I mean my dad gave me a hug. My mum basically just said "so?" and then ignored me for a bit, then made a bunch of stupid comments about bisexuality. Some people are fine, others aren't, and that really depends on your parents attitudes. Perhaps next time you're with one of them, try and slip in a comment about so and so celebrity who just came out and see what they say?
