Big surprise, the teenage girl needs help with mom troubles. Things have gotten really bad. Things have always been bad between me and my mom, to be honest, but tonight…the s*** hit the fan. For those of you who have nothing better to do than follow my posts and stalk me, this interesting little tidbit isn’t for you. For all of you who have no idea what I’m talking about (probably…99.9% of you), I asked you all if I should tell my mom about my gayness. And every single one of you said yes…but it was on the evidence I gave you about my mom’s views on gay rights. I didn’t exactly mention the fact that I absolutely detest my mother. She’s vile, cruel, and simply snide and mean. And that’s just being nice. She’s been like that for as long as my teenage years can remember. Nothing I do is ever good enough for her…you probably know what I mean. I spend my afternoon cleaning the house from top to bottom, and she comes home and says, “Did you wipe off the cabinets?” You know the kind of person I’m talking about. She’s also insulting to me. I bought a brand new shirt a week or so ago, and I tried it on to show her, my face glowing. She looked at me with an expression that showed she was trying to hide her anguish or whatever other negative feeling it was. “You’re filling out a little, hun,” she says. “Don’t worry, it happens. We all pack on a few extra pounds.” She called me fat. I may have self-esteem issues, but for all my problems, I know one thing about myself: I am not fat. At all. Tonight, it was a small thing, I admit it. But you’ve heard of the straw that broke the camel’s back, right? Well, just call me Miss Two-Hump-Cloven-Footed-Mammal. I finished a crapload of reading for my homework that I had for summer school tonight. Sure, I had another chapter to read for extra credit, but hey, I read all my required homework. I went and told her and my mom that, and she said, “Wow, that took you a while, didn’t it?” There was no undertone of humor to make it sarcasm. It was straight-up honesty. And I couldn’t stand it. I went upstairs and cried for a half hour instead of reading my extra credit homework. And then…I don’t know what happened. I’m a novice at self-mutilation…but I tried my hand. I didn’t cut myself. I don’t have a razor right now. Instead, I used what was nearest to me: my fingernails. I scratched the tops of my feet slowly and very hard until they began to bleed. I cried the entire time. I don’t know where else to turn…because the self-mutilation felt good. It shouldn’t feel good. I know this. But it did. And now…I’m scared. I’m scared of what this means to my psyche, and what will happen next time my mom makes a remark. I don’t know what to do. Please…help.
Wow, I'm sorry I'm at a loss for words. All I can say is that I am so sorry that you have to go through all that you go through. Your mom obviously needs some help because you don't deserve to be treated like that. I think that maybe your mom has low self-esteem and feels the need to pick on you to make herself feel better. When she is saying things to hurt you again just think of some happy thought like "in 2 years I'll be 18 and can get out of here" I don't know if you should maybe talk to her or not or if that would just make matters worse. About the self-mutilation- I know what if feels like to be in that moment when you are upset and you just automatically do it without much thought because of being so angry and upset and I have numerous scars to prove it. Next time you feel the urge to do it take some deep breaths and maybe punch a pillow or scream into a pillow, anything to get that urge to cut off of you. PLEASE don't hesitate to send me a message or something if you need to talk about the cutting or anything else. I'll always be here for you if you need me.
I'm sorry that you have and had to go through this. But hurting yourself is not the answer. Did you try talking to her about the comments that she is making. Maybe she would change her line of questioning if you would let her know that she is hurting your feelings. Not to take sides here, but I am wondering if your mom's attitude or 'behavior' towards you might have something to do with that she is stressed from work or other happenings in her life? If this is the case it is not fair on you. She should not let her frustrations out on you like that. Try talking to her. Let her know that she has hurt your feelings deeply. Don't hide that from her. I hope this helps a bit.
Thank you. This was the first time I've ever hurt myself like that. Usually I do punch a pillow or something like that--and actually, that's exactly what I did tonight, but it just wasn't enough. Asteroid, you're not taking sides, don't worry. I've tried to think what she's going through. Maybe she is going through something, I don't know. She never talks to me about anything unless it's to criticize me like that. I don't know what she's feeling about things...when she does talk it's usually to trash-talk a family member, and it makes me want to leave the room. I've tried hard. All my life I've tried to make this woman happy, to show her that I care. I can't do anything more than what I have already done. It was in a fit of passion that I did that to myself. I look down at my feet now and I don't see why I did that. It hurts to walk. I will never do that again. I suppose all I can do is wait, and take deep breaths. Two more years. That's all I need to wait for. And then I will be free. Thank you so much...you don't know how much it helped to just write it down and have people respond to it. I think I'm going to be okay...I just hope my mind can stand it for a couple more years. I can't talk to her. I think the reason is...she scares me. My own mother scares me. I can't express my feelings or my thoughts or else she gets mad and/or we get in a fight. It's just the way things work with us. We disagree on everything...food, movies, music, politics, religion...I just can't have a discussion with her without it turning into an argument or an angry comment. I might try it next time...I'll see if I can get a civil word in edgewise. *sigh* I just hope it works. Thanks for all your help.
Hey... your post just ripped my heart out to read. I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I was raised in a home where I wasn't treated well. I had major anger problems, such as punching walls and throwing things. I never resorted to self-mutilation but I found other ways of coping. Self-mutilation is a very dangerous road to take and I ask for you to please not resort to it. Find other ways of dealing with your anger. Take a walk, write, draw, do something that can help you clear your mind. I found writing and drawing were best for me when coping. If you think your mom would be willing, sit down and talk with her about things to help your relationship. She might be willing. I finally stood up to my dad, granted after I moved out, but he and I could never be better... he knows he can't start things with me. If she is not willing then you need to find a positive way of releasing your anger and hurt.
This is really sad, your mum sounds a bit like mine, never being able to do enough to please etc and for a while I tried self-harming as well, and I'm glad to say I've stopped that now. I thknk you need to talk to your mum about how you're feeling and how what she says and does makes you feel, so she knows she can't say things like that and expect to not hurt you, you're human after all just like everyone else and parents shouldn't make their children feel bad for any reason. I found that by learning a new musical instrument helped me to feel better, as I was doing something creative with my hads ratehr than hurting my self, drawing and writisng has the same effect too, give it a try? Your mum needs to know that what she says hurts you, as she probabaly doesn't know. ~photosaurusrex x
I feel very bad now for complaining about my own mother like that to you in the chatroom, I had no idea that things were like this for you *cuddils* I know that my mother still loves me, even when it isn't so obvious. Maybe yours just doesn't express herself in the same way, and the only way you're ever going to get through to her that she's hurting you is simply by talking to her about it. Don't take 'I don't want to talk about it' as an answer, keep on pressing it. If that doesn't work, I'd recommend finding someone to talk to at school, a teacher who you're particularly close to, or a counsellor, or something like that. IE someone who can perhaps talk to your mum themselves; it might finally sink in if she hears it from someone else, you never know. I hope this is a help, and I'm sorry again for being so thoughtless in the chatroom
How do you get on with your Dad? Is he more empathetic and would it be worth your confiding in him just how much this sort of thing is affecting you? It is clear your Mom either doesn't realise she is having this effect on you or doesn't care (tho' the latter isn't much of a fit with the supposed 'maternal instinct'). Could your dad provide the conduit to making your Mom aware - or be able to help you raise this with her in a way that might bring about a positive result?
I also agree with that one, try talking to your dad, parents will sometimes talk to eachother too about these things, and he may help her to seen reason good luck ! ~photosaurusrex x
First off, (*hug*). Secondly, I'm sorry that this has happened to you. Mothers are supposed to love and nuture their young, not do this kind of stuff. Okay, sorry, had to have a five second rant. Like Asteroid said, she might have other stressers in her life, but that still gives her no excuse to take it out on you. You're not a doormat, not a punching bag, you are a human being and you need to be treated like one. I know you've only self-harmed once. However, be careful, you could fall into that pattern of self-harm. I have a friend, she started cutting a few years ago. Only about a month ago did she stop. She wanted to, but it was like she was addicted. Advice (here it comes), tell your mom that the things she says upsets you. Don't do it when you are upset, pick a moment where you're both calm and relaxed and then tell her. When she does say something hurtful, just walk away, I don't know if you already do this, but it's a good way to avoid conflict and more comments. If your dad is still in the picture, tell him about it and see if he can help you. If he's not in the picture, tell another trusted adult, such as a teacher or a principal, they can try and help you with it and even help make her see that her actions have consequences that affect others, not just herself. (*hug*) I hope it gets better.
You know, the funny thing is that I DO write and draw and whatnot normally. That's always my lifeline. Last night was different. I had to finish reading that extra credit chapter, so I didn't have time to write. I pseudo-self-mutilated as I was reading. I look back now and I see that it was completely stupid. I don't know why I did it. I guess I just thought there was no other option that night. But yes, usually I do punch a pillow or write a poem (for any of you who have read my previous posts, you know I write dark poetry, right? well, you now know who my inspiration is.) (*hug*) Helen, don't be sorry. You were having a bad time of it with your mom, too. And the reason I was there and stayed there was because I wanted to help you. You weren't being thoughtless, you were saying what was on your mind. And I've said to you before, you ARE beautiful. :icon_wink And now you can see that I know what you're going through. Again I have to say that I already do this :icon_sad: I'm doing everything I can! My dad knows about this. I tell him when it makes me mad, and he lets my mom know. She never apologizes. Never. She just expects everything to be okay, and for a day or so doesn't pull any of that crap, and then she starts up again when the 24-hour ban is up. My dad has tried hard. I've tried hard. It's just her nature--I guess there's really nothing I can do about it. Because I look back...and I realize I have tried to talk to her. Once it was about the simple thing of asking her to say "Please" when she orders me around to do things. She can't even do that. *sigh* I think I might just have to accept that she can't change. But thank you for all the ideas.
:dry:Think i might be in your shoes. I dont harm myself anymore but when i did it was just with my belt. I haven't came out to my parents and i'm not going to. They are hateful and sadistic. They cant be negotiated to and do not accept my reasons. They demand respect. They will not do anything that shows respect for me because they say until i'm out of the house i dont deserve any. "They didnt raise no b*tch so stop complaining" Is a common answer to anything I say. About a year ago i stopped talking to them and walk through the house with my head down whenever possible. There comments are less like adding straw to a cammals back and more like a 2X4 to the gut:dry: 2 more years....its not as long as it sounds hopefully.
I would agree. My mom says the same thing to me and honey ur just getting it easssy. If i get a B+ on my tests my mom calls me worthless and not only does she have me clean around the house like Cinderella but i have to cook for her everytime she goes to work and if it's like a weekend and i don't cook, she dosn't cook ether. And if i cook and it's not to her likeing...oh hoo u will never hear the end of it. We are both diabetic and both have to take insilne and i have to give her her insuline every night while i stick myself after (she couldn't even return the favour)She orders take out for herself. And need i not meantion she has told me she hates me 3 times upon couting. She has observed me, and called me fat...skinny, then one day she just stood there and stared at me and when i asked "what?!" she said she just realised my thighs are big:eusa_eh:; and she has this thing where she is always just randomly saying my eyes look like a dead goat(and everyone else says my eyes are my best physical features) so my cosuin always say to her that i'm her child and i look like her so it takes a dead goat to know a dead goat.:lol: Nevertheless, i love my mama. Of course i always say when i grow up i plan to disown her, move to Canada and make a life, however my mom tought me one thing. If u can't make it where ur from...makes no sence u go somewhere else to better urself. And dispite all my mom has done, I have to look on all the positives she had brought to my life (including the fact she brought me here). And if it's one thing i can tell anyone is that my mother never makes me run out of clothing, food and shelter(though she threw me out once for 48 hours). And if anyone tells her any bullshit about me she is always picking up for me noo matter what. In addition, she helps me with my schoolwork and projects indefinetly and buys me anything i ask for(as long as it's not a weapon, and its something she can afford) and even when she can't afford it, she is going o get it for me once she has the money. That is my mom for you. My cosuin has come from the country and moved to the city and is living with us and since she had been here my dad walked out on my mom and told us(the kids) it's cuz he finds my mom annoying(after 18 years together :dry: plus he has been cheating on her 4 yearss) But anyways. Dispite everything, she is a school teacher(high shcool and lecturs at University at nights)and if u were to ask her kids if she is a good teacher they would tell u she is the best teacher on earth but she is a big bitch when it comes on to many stuff. Another thing, is she beats me allot(in Jamaica it's not illigal to hit children, especially in school...as long as their skin is not marked after) and my mom beat me once with a cricket bat and i had a bone fracture and she never gave a shit about me and my cosuin had to nurse me, write for me at school(cuz my right hand was swollen) and when i recovered, I had gastroeterits about a month after, and she nursed me like i was in the private section of a hospital, she brought home food for me every day and she wouldn;t even make me go to the bathroom without her helping me up(cuz i was really weak). and it seemed as if it were just a month ago i wanted to poison her :rolleyes: Now, my mom goes for family counseling and takes me, my dad and my cousin with her and we have been making a bit of progress. My parents bought a new house together and are planning on moving in this august(thouw my dad has been living with his gf for over a year now) and my mom is kinda becomming allot less bitchy. But the moral of the story is, u can't fight back. Not because sheis ur mom, not because she is the one putting food on ur table but because she is the one who made u who u are. Don't be like her....don't be a bitch, show her where she is wrong and make her see her own mistakes so she can correst them(or atleast try Take a moment and think of all the good times u have had with ur mother and medditate on every good thing or deed she has ever done for u.You already know all the bad...so what are u going to do. Focus ur energy on the positives. And when u see ur mom today, go to her with the brightest smile u can possibly have and give her the bigest, tightest most loving hug u can ever give someone( and i mean just go to her and says "mommy, u need a hug, come for a hug") and i gurantee you. She might say soemthing like (i love u too but ur lazy soemtimes or some shit like that) but trust me, u have no idea how much of a big change u might make in ur mom's life. so that's ur homework for summer school today to give mama a big hug(*hug*) regards, -Alex
MeskElil, This sounds like a pretty horrible situation... I'm sorry you're in it. Through counselling I've learned a bit about communication. What is important is that you are able to express how YOU are feeling to your mom. But it is important to do it in a non-confrontational way. Example: Mom, when you commented on how long it took me to read my homework I felt sad because it left me with the impression that you thought I was dumb. Be specific about what situation you're talking about (when), how it made you feel, and why. If you can't bring yourself to discuss this with her on your own, perhaps you could suggest (through your dad) that you go to counselling together. Otherwise, you could write down these thoughts and feelings so that you're able to express them in some way - without hurting yourself physically. Cutting can and does become like many other addictions. It becomes a way for you to 'escape' and avoid painful emotions. In the long run it catches up with you and eventually gets out of control - where you can't deal with anything without cutting. So just don't start.
Can I point out something that I haven't seen anyone else point out yet? (At least, I didn't see it - I AM the sorta blind gargoyle here.) Let me grab two sentences from your post and highlight them here. Mind you, I am NOT blaming you for anything here, and I am NOT making excuses for your mother in any way. But sometimes people don't act the way they should, and rather than hope they'll suddenly start acting the correct way, it's easier to change OUR behavior. I bought a brand new shirt a week or so ago, and I tried it on to show her, my face glowing. I finished a crapload of reading for my homework that I had for summer school tonight. Sure, I had another chapter to read for extra credit, but hey, I read all my required homework. I went and told her and my mom... You've presumably known your mother for sixteen years. You know that, whatever else she has in the plus or minus column, she's not one to heap on the praise. So why show off your new shirt to her? Why tell her about all the reading you've done? You're presumably aware that odds are she won't be giving you a lot of positive feedback. Yes, parents should be good at that, but it appears as if your mother isn't. So I'd suggest not going to her for that. I don't mean shut out your mother completely from your life, or anything like that. But there are times we all want a round of applause or a kind word or some positive reinforcement, and it sounds like your mother isn't a good source of that. So if that well keeps coming up empty, stop going to it when you want a drink of water. Go elsewhere. Go find one of your friends to say "way to go" or "wow, that looks cute on you" or whatever else. Or post on here - we'll be happy to do it. Again, I'm not criticizing you in the slightest. But a lot of the time, the only behavior and actions we can actively influence are our own. So do what YOU can to make sure that YOU get the positive reinforcement you need, and not the letdowns you don't. I'd definitely second all the advice about talking to your mother about it as well, but don't expect her to come around immediately - old habits do die hard, even if she is willing to give it a go. Lex
I'm really sorry she's being so negative and ungrateful... I don't have much to add to what's already here, but I will say that if she's just consistently negative, just don't talk to her that much and try to feel content with what you achieve, what you do, what you have, etc. It's not a great solution, but I found that when I was truly happy with what I had done, the criticism of someone (especially of someone who constantly criticizes) didn't have such a harsh impact. Just maybe "take a break" from sharing a lot with your mom for a while. That said, I'm not saying to cut all contact with her, that's just not a solution. But tell her how you feel and if she's just not nice, don't share stuff with her that could make her snap back at you.
