Hello! I'm 18 and am living at home with a really conservative Muslim mom and sister who are both vehemently homophobic and are intolerant towards those of other faiths. I'm... agnostic theist, genderqueer and pansexual, and it's really.. suffocating here. I really don't feel safe with them, and they're of the "gay people should just die" school of thought. I wear full hijab, down to the really long skirt and I feel really dishonest to myself and to others who constantly praise me for how devoted I am to the faith. I had a plan to come out to my friends next year after moving out, but my uncle let me borrow his phone once cause I don't have one of my own and a friend asked to use the internet and found "tranny porn" on his browser history. She's been teasing me about it and, even though it wasn't MY history, it felt like she was trying to force me to come out? I don't know how to explain it, really. I don't really know her stance on the LGBTQQIAAP community so I don't know how to come around explaining it. She clearly doesn't believe me, and it's really making me feel uncomfortable and scared bc I don't trust her all that much and I can't avoid her either. If I tell her I'm pansexual, it'll lead to me revealing my religious beliefs too, because apparently homosexuality is against Islamic beliefs. If she outs me, I honestly don't think I'd be strong enough to handle it. I wish I could say "That couldn't possibly be my browser history because, even though I am pansexual, I personally feel like the fetishization of transexual women is disgusting and don't want to participate in any form of it." Why would I want to come out over something so dumb? The only person I trusted enough to come out to is my best friend who is millions of miles away. I think an important point to add is that I'm extremely shy, and don't really like talking about myself all that much. She's really extroverted and enjoys teasing me because my reactions are really strong, but this time I just feel really cornered. I didn't want to come out until I moved out, and even then I don't really want to make a big.. thing about it. I'm really scared about going to school and seeing her, because I don't know how to confront her about it and I'm honestly considering dropping out of this semester since I have all my credits and the grades to get into the program I want. Also, I'm really bad at leaving things unresolved, which clashes with my shyness at times. I can't just "let it go", because I hate having people have a false impression about me that is partially my doing. I don't really have a lot of friends, and would hate to lose another one.. I'd really appreciate any form of advice!
