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Pansexual but in a heterosexual monogamous relationship

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by emptychild, Mar 10, 2014.

  1. emptychild

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    and probably will be for the rest of my life. The fear of coming out to my family makes me see it as pointless: after all, I'm with a man and plan on spending most, if not all of my life with him, why does my family need to know? I need help figuring out how to tell my semi-homophobic family that I subscribe to a label they've never heard of with a "I know I'm with a guy, but I like girls too." At the very least, I'm out to all people that ask and my S/O. Baby steps.
     
  2. softsprite

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    I'm in the same dilemma. Still can't figure it out.
     
  3. BookDragon

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    I've often said that the purpose of 'coming out' is to let people know so they don't say something stupid when they eventually meet your same sex partner.

    So consider this. Knowing the above, do you feel compelled to come out? If so, why?
     
  4. emptychild

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    I feel compelled to come out because I don't want to hide who I am. But on that same note, I feel like if I come out to my semi-homophobic parents and extremely homophobic rest of my family, I'll become ashamed of who I am.
    I've never been ashamed of my sexuality and I never want to be.
     
  5. BookDragon

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    OK, then let me ask you this.

    In terms of what you actually DO in your life, what is the difference between being openly pansexual and not being open about it?

    I know my answer to that question is that if I am 'openly pansexual' there is a significant chance I will date someone who isn't a man. But other than that, there really is not much difference.

    Now I've told my parents about my sexuality but I've never told anybody else. I only told them because I needed to test the waters for other things. But I don't think I'm hiding who I am, even though currently I'm not dating anybody. If anybody asked me, I would tell them, but as it turns out, nobody ever does. I'm not hiding the information, it just seems that nobody is interested enough to ask.

    I'm of the opinion that you can still be very much 'out' and proud of who you are without ever having to tell anybody anything. If they don't ask, that is essentially their problem.
     
  6. emptychild

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    The difference, for me at least, is nothing apart from not directly telling my family. If a woman came along and I liked her (and I was no longer with my boyfriend), I wouldn't hesitate.
    Actually, just before my boyfriend, I was talking to an online friend and crush (who liked me as well) about potentially becoming an item but the distance was far too large of an issue.
     
  7. BookDragon

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    Well that being the case, let me ask you this.

    Think of all the things you have ever done. Literally every last one. How many of them did you tell your family about?

    This may sound like a stupid question, but I want you to think about what it is to 'hide' something from someone.

    I have an online dating profile. I've never told anyone about it. If I'm looking at it and mum walks in to my room I quickly close the tab. My online dating profile is hidden from my family.

    I have my EC account too. I've never told my grandma about my sexual orientation and I have no intention of bringing it up. But if she walks in, I don't hide EC from her. If she asked what it was I would tell her. My EC account isn't hidden, even though I wouldn't bring it up myself.

    So from those two examples, we can basically see the difference between not disclosing and actually hiding, are whether or not you would be honest about it when asked.

    So there's the real question. If your family asked you about your orientation, would you be honest with them?
     
  8. emptychild

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    That's what I'm unsure about, because (though I was still only realising my sexuality at the time) my sister asked if I were gay and I said no. Though that may also be because 1) she's extremely homophobic and 2) she was also accusing me lying, etc.
     
  9. BookDragon

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    But you're not gay, are you.

    Another way to think about it is this. What happens if you come out and they all take it badly?

    So are you being dishonest for the sake of it (something to feel bad about) or are you hiding things for a good reason (something to be fine with).

    You don't OWE them an explanation of your sexuality. I mean at the moment you are dating a guy so the most you are going to be having is thoughts. How often do your family share their sexual thoughts with you?
     
  10. softsprite

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    Well generally I'm a big advocate of coming out...maybe even more so for bisexuals and pansexuals. The personal reason would be what you talked about--the fact that you could start dating a female at any time, and you'd have to break it to them then anyway. And unlike if you were gay, you'd have to say, "Yeah I have a girlfriend...but no I'm not a lesbian" and that might confuse them even more! Then they'd get it in their heads that you were either one or the other...which means if you dated a guy again they'd start assuming you were straight....and then be shocked again if you went back to girls---it just seems too complicated. Why not just get it all out at once?

    Which leads to the next reason to come out: visibility. If you're in a heterosexual relationship and not out, then you might feel out of place with LGBT friends because they'd assume you were straight, an ally but not someone with a stake in that fight. Everyone needs to know that pansexuals and bisexuals actually exist as the first step to ending discrimination against them, right? (and I mean discrimination within the community and outside of it)

    Those would be good reasons to come out.

    But even though I can tell myself these things I am, like you, in the closet. I've jumped out a few times--the last one to practically everyone I know!--and then jumped back in because I got embarrassed and let people think I was just having one of my crazy moments. Sigh.