I wasn't sure on a title so I just picked a line from something. I'll start with saying I'm a twenty-something gay kid (oddly I still don't consider myself much of an adult) I've been gay or at least acknowledged it since I was seventeen. Going more and more into adulthood I have never told anyone in my family of my orientation. Mostly because when I was younger my brother came out I suppose (though at times I wonder if he just gave up and just went for the first friend/person interested in him once he was older) and for some odd reason I feel selfish if I were to tell my parents. Usually all my life I felt like I could be the screw up kid in my family my brother seems to always have everything together and I messed up granted we are eleven years apart, but to me we were equally loved, though my brother was somewhat the golden boy. Now as I become older the weight of not coming out is sometimes bothering me. It must seem silly, however I feel somewhat responsible making them happy with grandchildren and a more normal son since they have given a really great life even when I was an angst ridden teenager (which included my anorexia, cutting, and the one time overdose) and maybe even sometimes now there's a bit of angst. I live with them and I'm grateful how happy in a whole they have made me I mean I still live at home and just have a PRN job they don't ask me to pay rent or bills. There is a lot of guilt with everyone I'm sure, but I just want to make them as happy as they have made me through my life it's probably cliche to even think of this quote "Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.' I know I shouldn't feel like I'm being selfish, however it does. I've never really put this into word in real life or online and thinking about it and saying it does make me softly cry even if it's just cathartic. In a round about way I am asking for advice on what I should do and maybe also did you feel this way as well?
First off. Good job on the grandchild. Further than I got lol. As u see, I haven't been on here for long, but I am hidden as well, and I do not have any siblings who are gay. Being gay has been on my mind every single day since high school, and even how selfish I am for not doing so because I feel everyone around me isn't getting the full dose of who I am, only the outside of me. All I have to say is what I've been told once, just come out when you feel it is right. Though one thing I'd do and actually would feel lucky to have, is a openly gay brother, who I can talk to and trust. I'd talk to him about it. Him being out in the open would definitely mean he would be understanding. As long as you'd feel right bout it. I usually wait for a 24 hours to pass to get all the advice I can from anyone else on this forum.
Hey Twewy, your post somewhat resonates with me as there are some similarities between our stories - I am also a twenty something gay guy who hasn't yet told his parents - and I think for me, like you, a big thing that is holding me back is that I hate the idea that I am going to disappoint them. They are also very keen for grandchildren, and it does hurt knowing that it would be difficult for me to provide that for them as a gay male. In the end I know that they will be happy for me and accepting, but it will definitely be a bit of a disappointment for them, which is something that can't really be helped. I think the best advice for both of us is to realise that being gay is something that we can't change no matter how hard we try, and so the only way forward is for us to accept ourselves, be honest with others and let them come to accept us over time. Easier said than done. There is no rush either, this all happens in our own time. For me I know that I cannot keep my closet door closed for too much longer - something is gonna give pretty soon. Wishing you all the best - we're always here to help on EC.
Oh, no I have no kids I was trying to say having a grandchild would make them happy sorry. Also I don't talk to my brother really there's been an estrangement for five or more years I really wouldn't feel comfortable talking to him about it.
It is alright. Lol. I misread about the grandchildren. This is actually great, I can relate to you further now. We are closer to a understanding now. Now, neither you or BlueBird22, need to feel pressure or guilt for not givng your parents grand children. Mine tell me how I will meet some girl and have a family someday in the near future. My sister has two children, my mother is happy, but my sister isn't my haf ister because we have different dads, and he doesn't have any grandchildren carrying his blood and he doesn't like it. Although my sister will always love him and says he's her real dad because he raised her as his own. HE doesn't know that she knows she isn't his, yet but still. Now, he teases me about having a grandchild, and he even said tie;s running out, even called me while he was drunk and said that I had something that girls want(body). Now, I feel sorry for him and guilt ran through my head about not being able if I was gay, which is a reason I am still in the closet, I want to have a kid with a girl first, then come out later, sounds kinda heartless to bring a child into a fake love of a family, but now I realize, that my path and destiny isn;t written by anyone, not even my own parents. My mother raised me, my father wasn;t there for majority of my childhood or life so far, but I love them both and would like them to be happy, but again, this is my life. They lived theirs, they had children together, they started a family at a young age, and chose their own career paths, they had experiences they don;t want me to have, but learning about life's true experiences CANNOT be taught to a child from stories, the child NEEDS to experience their own life through their own experiences. I told them both this, and I will live my own life, of course not telling them I am gay, yet. Still looking to have an actual life of being independent on my own, gaining experience before coming out. Then I will rather gain a girlfriend who is Bi, might start a family with her(I am into lesbians or girls who are into girls or Bi-sexual girls also) I may be able to provide a grand child with someone I genuinely care about, without the need to come out. Though that is my journey and where it might take me(I am excited either way whatever happens), but what I want you to know is, no matter how guilty it may make you feel, your parents have NO SAY WHAT SO EVER in what you do with YOUR LIFE, remember, THEY LIVED THEIR LIVES, you cannot listen to "Do as I say, not as I do." Though they have advice to give, but not a say in your destiny, no matter if you stick with them for the rest of your life, they cannot stop what your plan is. Your destiny is yours and your's alone. And if/when you have children, you have no say in what they do with their lives. I love my parents, but I would be damned if I delay my life for what others want. It is selfish for a person to stunt their own child's growth for their own need, every human being has a choice, and if that choice your parents made didn't favor your well being or didn't nurture your destiny and passion, then it is unfortunately their own doing. Take what you will from what I've said, but I am here to tell you, you have no guilt to feel if it is hurting you. If whatever is hurting you, go find help, and I am glad that is exactly what you did because you took the first step in coming here to tell your story. Hope I helped, have a good one.
