Going to a Psychologist: Good or Bad idea?

Hello there,

I think a psychologist would be a great idea to feel more comfortable in your skin and to better cope with your parents. I started coming out last summer and I've decided to start seeing a therapist to get some guidance on all the changes my life is going through. It's one of the best decisions I've ever taken.

A therapist just helps you in understanding who you are and being happy with it. As long as they are good therapists, of course

 

OK let's start with your mother.

One metaphor I quite like is this. (Note - you can exchange the word cake for whatever your mums favourite food is)

You like cake, correct? Cake is pretty damn good, basically everyone thinks so. But nobody is sitting there eating only cake, are they. You are still able to enjoy pie (or her second favourite food).

This will usually be met by some talk about nutrition where whoever you said it to will say you are an idiot. You're not. The point is that EVERY SINGLE PERSON EVER has the capacity to like more than one different thing at a time. EVERY SINGLE ONE.

Now tying that to sexuality, what attracts you to a person? Ask her this question:

"Mum, do you see a man as a penis with legs, and a woman as a vagina with legs?"

Ask her EXACTLY that question. She won't like it, but ask it. Her answer will almost certainly be "no". To which your response will be, "So why do you think I do".

You're not attracted to someone for their genitals. THAT is what is different between girls and boys (and even that is just going on binary standards).

Now ask her what qualities she looks for in a person. What personality traits that sort of thing.

Now list some of yours. Now ask her, who in their right mind would see a guy who is basically perfect for you and decide you couldn't possibly do anything because you MIGHT find a girl that is as good.

As for your father, he might not want to talk about it (or at least bring it up) but you need to talk to him about it. If he blames himself, you need to make sure he knows it isn't and could not possibly be his fault (unless it IS his fault...but that would take all kinds of psychological abuse an I assume that isn't the case).

For you father and his coworkers, I have a couple of thoughts.
1. Why would he pick them over you
2. How the hell would they find out anyway.

With your mother and your family...fair enough she is scared, nobody wants that, but how does that make you feel. Talk to her about this.


As for the psychologist, why not...could be fun. BUT and this is really important.

When you get in there, have your introductions and say this (or something similar) and wait for a response.

I am bisexual, possibly fully homosexual. I am not here to change that. What is your opinion of this?

If their response even HINTS of negativity walk out of that door and do not go back.

Alternatively, since I assume you parents will be organising the whole thing, the psychologist MAY decide to give you an introduction.

If they tell you why you are here instead of asking, leave.
If they ask you why you are here, ask them what they have been told. Ask their opinion about what your parents have told them. If it seems negative, leave.

Basically if you get the feeling they are trying to persuade you to not be who you are, get out of there.

 

I think seeing a psychologist would be a great idea. It is completely against the code of ethics for a therapist to show any homophobia to you or treat you differently because of your sexual orientation--they are there to help you rather than force their personal beliefs on you. Most therapists are really good about this, but if the one you end up seeing does show homophobia, you have every reason to report them to the board for unlawful practice and find a new one. However I highly doubt this should be a problem. My best friend sees a therapist and has told her that he's gay, and he talks about the guys that he's seeing all the time. He said she hasn't treated him any different and they just talk openly about it. I'm thinking of coming out to my therapist as well soon so we are pretty much in the same boat. Therapy has been helpful for me in general, just being able to talk about stuff with someone who doesn't know any of the people in your life, and given that sexuality can be so difficult for the LGBT community I think it's totally healthy to talk to a therapist about it which is why I'm probably going to do it too. Good luck!!

 

First things first, never EVER apologise on this forum for asking for help with personal problems. That is what we are here for. Don't ever feel bad about that!

OK So let's start with your mum. She won't listen. I know that feeling. It took me what...a 4 months or more to start listening to me about my gender. I did eventually figure out the problem.

When I talk to my mum, she thinks she knows how the world is (sound familiar). Problem is, so do I. Unlike her, I am (or try to be) as logical as physically possible. Mum on the other hand relies on emotion, religion and tradition. See the problem with this was that it didn't matter how our conversations started, they ended the same way. She tried to end it, I got angry, and all of a sudden we are arguing.

I have what some people consider to be the most annoying quality in the world when it comes to arguments. I listen. If mum said something when we started half an hour ago I can quote it to prove she contradicts herself. I remember what people say, and I point out logical inconsistencies, lies and anything else they say that doesn't support their argument. People HATE that. As it turns out, my mum REALLY doesn't like me using her own words against her.

It occurred to me that if I was going to get through to her, I needed to stop doing that - unfortunately, it was the only way I could think of to get her to stop spouting lies. In the end I wrote to her. She had no input so I couldn't use her words against her. I wrote the things I needed to express. The difference was that because she wasn't fighting it at the end of every sentence, I wasn't getting angry. Because this was a completely one sided thing, I couldn't use things she said against her. It took her a while to read and comprehend and it certainly didn't make things perfect but it WAS a very important part of getting her to accept things.

Try writing your feelings down. You don't need to do it in a hurry, just get down on paper the things you think she needs to know. I can help you with it if you like.

As for your dad. He is used to the idea that associating with 'gay' people is bad. Don't misunderstand, I am not saying for a minute that age is an excuse for homophobia, I am merely stating it as the reality of the situation.

At the moment it could just be shock. Maybe he will be better after you've seen the psychologist. Now the difference here is that while your mum has expressed these feelings TO YOU, your dad has not. Believe me, I have tried writing a letter to someone who won't tell you what is wrong and it is a NIGHTMARE.

So with him, try a different approach. Right now, your instinct is going to be to assert yourself to him, maybe he will respect that, maybe not. BUT I am pretty sure he won't make it easy for you. So you need to fight that instinct. Instead of telling him how it is, ask him what he thinks. The thing is, if you ask him flat out and he doesn't tell you, that is on him. You did what you could and he wouldn't talk. You gave him the option and from then on he can never say that you didn't respect him enough to try.

Finally, extended family.

I don't expect that your mum is likely to go to her conservative family and announce "Guess who decided they are gay", do you? Now don't get me wrong, it sucks that she will probably hide it BUT currently she doesn't even believe it so it actually works in your favour. Right now, the chances of her confronting her own family with it are slim, which means you can basically not worry about them for now.

She may well worry about what they will say, at which point she is going to have to ask herself a difficult question. Who means more to her. You, or a group of people who may or may no think you're sick in the head. It will be hard for her. VERY hard. But hopefully your letter will make her understand that actually their feelings are unfair and that you deserve love too!

 

Remind them that you never chose to be gay, and that they are free to quote you if they feel that they would be made fun of because of you. Of course, some people don't believe this, and as I tend to think of a topic and obsess over it for a while (I have to say: I'm glad my obsession with chicken sandwiches is over!) so I have come up with a response to most homophobic scenarios I can think of.

1. Why would anyone choose a lifestyle to be shunned by a huge community around the world? Why would some people choose a lifestyle that could get them killed in many countries?

2. God is all powerful. If I am bi, that means that it is how God intended me to be. Hiding myself would be against god, not being myself.

I know it isn't that many, but almost all homophobia cases I've seen are because of religion or believing that it is a choice. Feel free to quote me on those! I would have more to say but Ellia stole the thread, like she always does. I'm surprised she's not an advisor!

 

"I understand your last paragraph, but i really hate to put her in this situation, because she loves her brothers and sisters. But i guess there is no other way."

Had you considered that she is being put in this position by her family, not by you. If you were doing something that is actually wrong, if you killed a child a burned down a hospital and then asked your mother to still side with you, THEN you would be putting her in a bad position. But you're not. You are telling you're mum that you have the potential to love another man. That's not bad, that's love! The ones causing the problem are her family.

As for the letter, basically there are two approaches you could take that will work equally well.

The first is to just start writing everything that comes into your head when you think about the subject no matter what it is. Write and write until you're out of ideas. Then write more ideas if they come to you! When you feel you have nothing left to write, then read it through. Then try and turn that into a letter.

Second, is my personal favourite. Before you write anything down just make a list of things you think your mum NEEDS to know.

So for example you might have things like:
-What does bisexual mean
-How does being bisexual change my life
-How do I feel

That sort of thing, whatever you think is important to tell her, just write a note about it. Try and write it a bit like an essay.

So I'll take one of mine:

"What does 'bisexual' mean"

Now I would put this in my letter because I know some people think that bisexual means you have to be attracted to more than one person at a time or it doesn't count!

So then, I write a quick sentence explaining what I want to write about, so my note becomes this:

"What does 'bisexual' mean: potential for attraction vs insatiable, unstable desire."

So now I know I'm going to start writing about that. I might begin by explaining, as I did above, that some people wrongly think bisexuality means you have to fancy a boy and a girl at the same time. Then I would go on to explain that it is actually all about potential for attraction.

I do this until I've run out of things to say and then move on to the next point.

This tends to give you enough content for many, MANY letters and you will probably repeat yourself a few times but it helps get your head in order.

 

Take your time with it! Good luck!

EDIT: If you get stuck or want some help or anything just send me a message

 

Report it to his superiors. A psychologist can lose their license to practice for being homophobic.

 

Sorry, WHO is being selfish here?

How DARE you be happy because your father and I might be inconvenienced.


Currently, I would be right in saying you haven't actually found a guy you like, right?

 

Then might I suggest in your letter, you point out the hypocrisy of saying of her saying "How dare you be happy because we might lose face".

You being bi/gay doesn't actually hurt them. What hurts them is other people and the things they might say about it. So your mum is trying to take that out on you, so she doesn't HAVE to take it out on the people who actually deserve it. You are easier to argue with because you are her son.

Other than that, ignore her. Don't bring it up, and don't bend to her will.

 

Good luck!