1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Advice for Coming Out from someone who is "out"

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by xxScarlett23xx, Mar 12, 2014.

  1. xxScarlett23xx

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2013
    Messages:
    22
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New Jersey
    Gender:
    Female
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Many of the things I'm about to say may be blunt, but I really want to help everyone from my own experiences.
    1. If you are young and living at home, be careful. When I came out, I did get a pretty negative reaction but I was lucky enough to be away at college where I had the opportunity to pack my bags and leave whenever things got heated. If you are a teenager (or older) and still depending on your parents for all of your financial needs (esp if you're living there) approach this with caution. I have heard countless of stories about kids coming out and their parents disowning them, even leaving them on the streets. It is terrible but it happens. Not only disowning, but incredible bullying and verbal/emotional torture from parents as well. Of course, I understand the importance of being yourself and sharing this great news with your family and friends, just like the straight people can do. I also understand that you want your family to be involved with the person who are becoming- who you are. I don't think it is healthy to hide or pretend to be someone you're not. I just think with coming out, there can be enormous consequences. Many people believe their parents to be heart-warming, compassionate and understanding people- until they Come Out. then they experience a whole side of their family they didn't even know existed. My advice from this angle would be- listen to your gut and weight the outcomes. If you honestly think your parents will accept you or at least tolerate it, you have support from others and you honestly feel the need to come out right now (esp if you're involved in a serious relationship) then maybe Coming Out is actually best.
    But if you don't think your ready to handle the pressure and you know you will have nowhere else to go if you get disowned, I wouldn't risk it. And this is difficult for me to admit because I believe in all of us being and embracing who we were meant to be- and I'm not saying you can't do that. But sometimes what they don't know doesn't hurt them, and their ignorance can be your bliss. You don't have to pretend to be straight exactly, but you also don't have to announce your orientation. Do it when you know that god forbid anything happens, you have someone and somewhere stable to turn to who knows and accepts you. If you depend on your parents for everything and they end up not being able to cope with the news, your life will be hell. Even if they don't cast you out- they can ridicule you, punish you, act in cold, heartless ways and subtly weaken your emotional strength. Just watch "But I"m a Cheerleader" and you'll see what I'm talking about. There's many ways parents can try to ruin you without throwing you on the streets, such as ex-gay therapy. One of my friends came out and was forced into anti-gay therapy. Be who you are but there is no harm if you're not ready to tell the parents or your caregivers. Coming Out is best, in my opinion, when it is done gradually, one person at a time, when you have had the opportunity to be fully comfortable with who you are.
    2. You will lose at least one friend. It's almost inevitable. Thankfully, our country has been progressing recently but there are still many people out there thinking hateful thoughts about us. I've been lucky to have a network of really supportive and open-armed friends, but even I lost a friend over it. Be prepared for your heart to be ripped out by someone close to you at least once. I don't want to scare you, but I believe in being prepared. Sometimes the people you think will accept you do not and vise versa. For me, my friends have been more accepting than my family but everyone's experiences are different. The friend I lost was a Russian Orthodox member and grew up with a near cultish-like religious community, so I wasn't shocked- what shocked me was her reasoning, which told me she could not be friends with someone who had turned their back on god, yet she was friends with many atheists. I knew it was because I was bisexual. But it's ok, in the end you honestly realize that if your friend doesn't accept you, they were never truly your friend in the first place. I know it's cheesy, but it is true.
    3. Coming Out may be the hardest thing you will ever do. For me it definitely was difficult. But once you have support and are ready, it is a freeing feeling. But it's not something you just jump into. I told my mom when I was 19 and I think it was the wrong time, but I knew she was starting to suspect that I was dating a girl. I felt pressure to be honest, and I also really wanted to stop sneaking around and lying. I just kind of said it to her before I was emotionally ready and that is a HUGE mistake. Don't let anything pressure you into doing it, even if you're in a serious relationship. Try to wait until you feel it's the right time. Needless to say, my mom flipped out and eventually told the rest of her side of the bible-thumping family.
    4. Coming Out doesn't end there- for me, I feel like I come in and out of the closet on a day-to-day basis. Let me explain what I mean. This was four years ago and I am still dealing with the repercussions. My family knows and they don't like it (minus two cousins).My professors do not know, to keep things professional. My friends know and are wonderful. My coworkers do not know (minus 2) and I plan to keep it that way because- well, hey, it's retail. Enough said. Me and my fiance never hold hands, kiss in public, or do anything that makes us seem like we're together (yet most who talk to us can tell just by the look in our eyes and the way we finish each other's sentences). What I mean by coming in and out of the closet is that you have to be safe, safety comes first. People are killed, brutally assaulted & even fired for being a part of the LGBT. And although I hope I can look back in 30 years and say that everything is roses and rainbows here in this country, today is not that day. Be careful. Be safe. Embrace support. If you feel the need to not state or show your sexual orientation do to fear of persecution, safety or financial/professional reasons, don't. Its not that i like being secretive, it's that I feel it is necessary. It helps keep me and my fiance safe in public, and her safety is my priority.
    5. Coming Out is necessary, but it doesn't mean you should rush it. Eventually I am sure you will come out when the time is right. Not many people can actively keep who they are a secret for their whole lives (except maybe on Capital Hill, and even they can't). Come Out and good luck, but be practical, be aware of your surrounding, and be comfortable with who you are:eusa_danc