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My story, so far that it is

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by lucasmaximus, Mar 14, 2014.

  1. lucasmaximus

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Perth
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hello one and all,

    I just wanted to put up something I wrote a little while ago, just to add my own experience as a helping hand to those who may be looking for it. I am now 23 and still have to come out to the majority of people that know me.

    I suppose whats quite important right now and which should be recorded while pen is in hand; I have now been gone from Ireland for two years. I have;
    Had 11 different places to live in
    Worked 7 jobs bringing my total to 9
    Hit rock bottom once as an orange-picker
    Been drunk countless times
    Been high more times than that
    Had about 44 roommates I can remember
    Become friends with 14 good people who knew me
    And I fell in love twice with 2 handsome, exceptional young men.

    There have been some harsh lessons learnt and some trully blissful experiences had. Whats looming ever closer now is a delicate task. Though my parents have been exposed to my homo nature, they are very much in denial about it. This I feel must be rectified as a statement to the love and care I have for them and for which I also feel they have for me.

    How do I feel about being this way? Its quite hard to pinpoint really. I knew instinctively that it was something about me that I must not share with others and to conceal it even from other's suspicion. With practice came skill and I was able to tread a fine line where, for the most part my orientation was not questioned at least not to my face. Yet I never forced myself into any uncomfortable situations with members of the opposite sex. Bar perhaps the debs (or prom), but I have made amends for that. The result being that I didn't feel I was entering adulthood with much baggage from keeping this secret compared to others. There was still work to be done. I am extremely fortunate with the companions I have had in life so far. Talented, intellectual, funny people who are as curious about the nature of being as I am. This is because we reflekt each other. We grew together during the drip-feed of secondary education and more importantly, for the aftermath of being released from this feed. We educated, informed, questioned and amused each other often to the height of giggledom. Even with the securities that having these people close to me gave, I had to feel certain that my nature was natural and acceptable first to myself before others. What got me over this hurdle was feeling past what was going on in my boxers to feeling intense notions of romance and empathy towards men I was attracted to. Realising that what I initially thought was some sexual perversion to seeing that it was just the orientation of love I have within me. Reaching this conclusion and being satisfied with it was a huge milestone. Though I hadn't made it that far by the time my close friends knew. It was our collective imminent departure to Australia that brought me to tell a best friend in the first few hours of 2012, and it took a few hours at that. Sitting in my car outside his house, both knowing I have something to say, but I can't get the words out. Song after song plays but he waits patiently as I shake and my heart races. I start but hesitate and the moment is lost again and again. He is a person I have such a bond with that any apprehension or recoil from him would destroy my sense of worth and self-esteem. I finally speak, 'I'm gay', as he now impersonates in a somewhat camp fashion. Relief pours into the car, I see it in him first as it passes to me. He thanks me and we are both shaking now though neither of us know why. A long discussion ensues and and the sense of justice in being true to myself brings a cheeky smile to my face. Twenty-one and a half years, a secret finally shared, and on my terms.


    Thanks for reading :slight_smile:
     
  2. StillAround

    Full Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Washington State
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Great story, Lucas! Thanks for sharing it with us here. (*hug*)