With time, I feel more and more likely that I will come out sooner rather than later to someone. It doesn't feel like an actual decision either, it seems to be involuntary instinct to almost blurt it out. Several times I've said to myself "I might just well come out next time I get free time with that person". I don't do it and soon after just back out. I'll explain why that is below but it relates to the title of this thread. This isn't great really and still saddens me, however I do feel it's progress. My first query for everyone here, especially to those who've already come out, did you experience or find what I mentioned above happen at all? I really haven't done much toward convincing myself to coming out, it's seems to becoming more of an instinct? Next is why am I backing out... Quite simply, I feel I have too much to lose. I only really have two or three friends. Two of those I've never met because they're online friends in my games I play. IF for some reason coming out would lose those friendships, I would be absolutely devastated and I can't even imagine how much of an emotionally difficult situation I'd find myself in. I don't have many friends because of my quiet and passive nature, but this is why it's so important for me to keep my current ones. One of the main reason I feel I can't come out to two of my friends in particular is because I can't for the life of me seem to find out their views on LGBT. They could be completely supportive and honored to be trusted as the first one to be told, or alternatively storm off in disgust never to speak again. I just can't risk that second option happening. I know many at this point will say to me "Well if they do de-friend you for it, they're not worth your time etc etc" and I completely agree because I will no doubt say this to some of you guys on here sometime if you face something similar! But the fact is, I would rather stay really good friends & not come out than coming out and lose them at this stage. I've tried so hard to probe the subject but it seems so easily brushed off and I can't think of a way to ask without basically coming out myself on the spot. I hope you guys can understand my dilemma and it's no doubt a common reason for why many of us don't come out earlier, but I'd welcome any advice :help: Thanks a lot
I can't say I fully understand your situation but I have a similar problem. My daughter is bisexual. There are only five people on this planet who know. She has told me, her father, my mother, and her two best friends. It is her business who she tells, when she decides she is ready to tell them, how she tells them, etc. As her parent I would certainly never tell someone without her permission or against her wishes. As my own person I have the issue of being the parent of a bisexual child and would like to have an understanding friend to discuss my thoughts and worries about it with. Again, I would never talk to anyone without her permission but I also have looked at my friends and really THOUGHT about them. There is not a single person I know outside of the people who already know that would be understanding or supportive or in a couple cases have the sense to keep private business private. It is very frustrating to have an issue that is important to you and not feel like you have anyone in the world with which you can safely discuss it. I joined EC because I was terrified of saying or doing something (or failing to say or do something) that would mess up my daughter's happiness or self confidence. I know that my lack of confidence in my friends and our relationships have made me really begin to resent them. I know that one friend would blab my daughter's business to the world at large because she does it with her own children's private lives. I know another friend supported that jerk Phil Robertson from Duck Dynasty when he was attacked by horrible liberals because he "used his freedom of speech" to say horrible things about LGBT people. I know all of my and my husbands family members other than my mother would be complete idiots about this. But those are FACTS. My father-in-law is a raging jerk on far more topics than LGBT. The majority of hubby's family are as well. FACT Since you do not know for 100% certain how your friends feel about LGBT issues my suggestion would be to work even harder to find out. One fairly easy thing to do since they are online friends (communication via facebook? twitter? anything like that?) maybe you could post links to news articles related to LGBT issues and just offer an opinion. If another jerky person in the spotlight says something crappy about LGBT people then post that with a comment about how idiotic people like that are. It offers your friends the opportunity to voice their opinion and then you would know. You would put out your support for LGBT community without having to fully step out and say "I am Gay." I understand not wanting to lose your friends. I (even though I am highly frustrated with them) do not completely want to lose a couple of mine. I have been friends with the blabby one for over half my life and the other is a very nice person even though she is so conservative politically that she can make me heave. I know for a fact that if either one of them said or did anything directly negative toward my daughter I would have no problem whatsoever of telling them where to go and how to get there. Since neither have done anything and all the negatives still live in my head as possibilities instead of as realities I can't really get upset enough to want to end my friendships. It is confusing, frustrating, annoying, hurtful, and is building up a lot of resentment in me. I do hope you can tip-toe your way into finding out how your friends feel. I really hope they will turn out to be supportive people. Hopefully your fears will be eased and you can safely come out to the support you deserve.
What you describe is one of the biggest reasons why people stay in the closet. It's the great fear of the unknown (unknown reactions from others) and it traps us there and can eventually suffocate us. I think you're feeling a bit suffocated now. I've only been on this site for a short time, but I can see real value in what it's about. The good thing about EC is that it gives every person in your situation an opportunity to make like minded friends in a totally safe and secure way. You can get advice, help and support and make new friends, if that's what you want. I did the big 'coming out' thing with my parents, sister and best straight friend some years ago. It was entirely engineered and really daunting too. I set up a time and place for an important conversation and my stress levels were off the scale. Although they reacted well to the news, it didn't make me feel any better or more confident about 'coming out' in future, so now I don't. I just tell people when it crops up in the course of a conversation. I don't try to engineer it to happen, I just bide my time and say it with complete indifference at the right moment. I'm not sure that's the same as "blurting it out", but I just can't stand the coming out thing. It doesn't feel right or good for me. Try to build up your circle of friends, if you can. I'm sure there are people on here who will chat to you, if you give them a go (me included). If you have more friends to lean on, you will have less to lose when the time is right for you. Best of luck!
I find it also helps to think of what you will gain too. You may lose some friendships, some things may not go well, but usually the people who remain are closer and experiences richer as time progresses. At least in my experience.
I agree with rainmustfall. I found that I became much closer with some of my friends that I first came out to. I also got that "instinct" to come out, that you're talking about, and for me it was a quick process, at least with my friends (haven't told my parents yet). I understand your fear of loosing your friends, I still haven't told all of mine for that exact reason, that I'm afraid of their reaction. Anyway, what helped me was to find one person I knew would react well and lean on them for support during the rest of the process. Maybe you can find someone like that in here if you're not sure about your current friends. I wish you good luck and hope that things look up for you. Hang in there!
Coming Out is something you must be at peace with in your company. In my own situation sometimes I find it easier to come out to females as a gay man. I just was texting an acquaintance who kept on insisting she never really knew me so she can't offer advice. I think in coming out sometimes we are just looking for a response like sympathy or approval, and yet that does not complete the description of my character as a femme. The truth is I am gay man who was previously bisexual and I sill have reaching out to do with gay men before identifying myself as gay to other women. In my experience it is a good idea to let family know but taking ownership of your gay identity may mean making choices of who is accepting, and what you are expecting to gain from coming out. While I believe coming out has always been a lesson to me in self searching it is crucial to use your judgment you may be confiding your feelings in people who are not making themselves available to you
Thank you katwat, you've taken a lot of time to post a reply, I'm grateful for your thoughts & sharing your position which has similarities to mine in some respects. The communication between my online friends is via a game, League of Legends. When playing this we're on teamspeak, so there's actual no social networking really involved sadly. I do own a facebook account, but I never use it. I regularly visit and sometimes post on twitter, so I like your idea. The only potential problem I see with this it would be seen as "quite unusual" that I would post or 'retweet' an article regarding LGBT leaving an opinion, mainly because most of my tweets are about sports or games. I don't really often share my view on many things, I can't help but feel people might sorta say "Wonder why he's looking into that stuff" It may sound I'm looking for excuses not to, but it's just my gut instinct honestly. Maybe I'm just being too over cautious and paranoid. But thanks for the suggestion, because I will consider this if it comes up and seems appropriate. Thanks again for the supportive comments. Hi there Linco. I feel this maybe some of the best advice I've received, thanks a lot for taking the time to post. I completely agree than any coming out I do will also be completely engineered. Plus I can't imagine I'd be looking forward to it too much. My goal is to get to the point as you describe of 'when it comes up in a conversation'. I think during my first post "blurting it out" was a poor description. I don't think I'd ever get to the stage of just all out saying "O ye im gay btw" without slowing bring the subject up nor would I choose to. I used blurting it out really intending to emphasise my point of I really feel ready to tell someone if not for my concerns. I have always been awful at making friends, you have no idea :icon_sad: I was a loner at school, I never have plans during weekends and although people at work 'like me' they still prefer others there. I guess the easiest way to describe it is that I'm nobody's best friend. It sounds horribly harsh but it's probably just about right. It would be great to make and talk with more potential friends here online. As mentioned I regularly skype with when on my online games. I have the same concerns about coming out to them as with the real life one. The only thing as a little drawback is the lacking of knowing someone in real life who is LGBT is really holding me back, as much as receiving support from you all has really really really really helped so much. It's still nice to have an arm around your shoulder. Ultimately Linco though you're right, with more friends it would soften the blow if they took it badly. Sadly I must either look like Kogmaw (LoL reference, google it :roflmao: ) or I'm just boring and/or do something wrong that makes people dislike me. Thanks again for your thoughts, appreciated & welcome any others
I've been thinking, if I were to come out - who would it be to? I've narrowed it down to 4 possible options... Maybe I can get some thoughts from you guys of who might be best? Person 1: Lives abroad. Really, really supportive person. Makes themselves available to talk if I have any problems. We have exchanged private thoughts previously when we want to 'lean on one another's shoulder' to seek advice etc. Sounds perfect right? The issue - Catholic and I really would be gutted to lose this person as a friend if they took it bad. Person 2: Work Colleague. Seems fairly level-headed and I feel would be trustworthy. I don't really know anything about this person outside of the office though. Issue: I'm not sure coming out to person 2 would really achieve much. I don't know them personally at all really even if I do speak often to them at work. Definitely straight (not necessarily an issue but maybe a point to make) Person 3: My best friend. I'm not really sure if this person considers me their best friend, but I consider them my best. Seems to trust me and quite often texts and sometimes meet up to see a movie or such Issue: Don't know views on LGBT, tried really hard to subtly find them out to no avail. Additionally, I'd love to think it would be safe, but I couldn't be 100% certain he wouldn't tell any of his close friends despite requests. Person 4: Online friend. This person is really funny and is very talkative. He is really obsessed with talking about girls & especially how much he loves his GF (appearance & personality) despite this, he's not a very big-headed person. Speak to him around every 3 days on skype and play a lot of online games with him. Issue: Not 100% sure about his views on LGBT, but appeared generally ok when it got vaguely mentioned once. I really can't be sure. Also, naturally with online people, you don't actually fully know who is the other side I've tagged this to my previous thread, because I mentioned above how really limited my friendship circle is. I've basically my main three friends above and don't have many more who are worth mentioning. I'd really appreciate to know how you guys see it.