So, I've been following this site for 2 weeks, this is my first post here and I’m officially coming out as bisexual now…on the internet. It is the first time I take this off my chest! I’m 22, male, and I know this since probably 15, but I guess things took their time to set. I’m a very sensitive, shy and anxious person. My parents are both very kind and comprehensive and I feel like they truly love me. However, they are Christian (I’m Christian too), sometimes they judge people by their looks/actions, they care a lot about me (although they are a bit controllers), and I don’t know exactly what are their thoughts about the LGBT people, but I can’t imagine them supporting them fully…and I’m afraid the environment at home gets ruined because of me… I’m still dependent on them because of my studies, I live with them and I don’t have (never had) a boy/girlfriend. I honestly feel like they don’t have a(n) (in)formed opinion about this, and if I got an immediate opinion it would be something in the lines of “men and women were made for each other” because that's the education they have. Ironically, my mom, which is the most sensitive person I know (also very spiritual) just told me the other day that sometimes she feels like I hide something that doesn’t let me express my feelings and that I should relax more and not care about other people’s opinions, since I just have to be me and not be afraid of it. Yet if she sees a video of two women kissing on the tv or sees a LGBT parade she feels disgusted... I have some friends, and I think all of them would accept me. One of them is bi as well and I decided I should come out to her first. I will be 23 soon and I’d like to do it with a little more freedom. I was supposed to do it today, but I didn’t have the guts to do it yet…that’s why I decided to do it here first. Suddenly I feel like I’m not prepared to deal with this yet, like – wasn’t I supposed to have already accepted me? I want to come out, but I don’t feel ready to answer intimate questions or talking about boys with others – even talking about girls can be awkward… It’s probably stupid but that’s what I feel, lack of confidence... I guess I’m still a bit afraid of other people’s thoughts, although I know I shouldn’t…It also happens that I’m feeling strangled by this secret as time goes by…I want to love someone and be loved in return so bad and I’ve been through a few depressive episodes because of this loneliness. Maybe coming out could help it? Do you think I should wait until I’m totally prepared to deal with the reactions? Even my bi friend? My problem with this is that I think I will never be totally ready, and I don’t want to do it so late since I’d like to be free as soon as possible and I’m afraid it will be harder for me to find my soulmate once I start working. Also I’m afraid I might deeply disappoint my parents, and I don’t want to, I love them... I just want to love and be loved in return… It means a lot to me to have someone to talk for the first time Thank you so much for your time and patience reading this! :icon_wink PS: I'm sorry for eventual English mistakes!
Hi Jack, and welcome to EC! I'm wondering what kinds of things your Mom does to show that she is disgusted by the gay stuff you mentioned earlier, it could have been nothing. Sometimes when you are a closeted gay person, you feel like everything is a sign of people suspecting or of homophobia. I would have thought that if anybody knew it would be my dad, I guess he missed the time when there was an iPad screen on my bed with me asleep next to it with a profile saying my name CJ on it and it said "Safe online community for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender people coming out". Just because people are Christian doesn't mean they are anti gay, my parents are (I say this because I am agnostic and just haven't told them yet) Christian and everybody in my house agrees that homophobia is a big problem that shouldn't be a problem.
Hi, welcome to EC! I'm glad you've accepted yourself and are able to say it even if it is on the internet--sometimes even typing it can feel hard while you're still processing things! The best advice I can give you is to not rush out. That is the advice that a lot of people here have given me as well. If you do not feel prepared to answer questions or you just don't feel comfortable, don't rush it. You are bi now and you will still be bi in two weeks, two months or two years. It will always be there, so there is no need to pressure yourself to come out if you do not feel ready. When you come out is totally up to you. I totally understand feeling like you'll never be ready, but you will know when the time is right because you will feel the need to do it and it will feel right--like something that you need and want to do. I hope that makes sense. I've only come out to a handful of friends, but this is how I've handled things. Best of luck! <3
Thanks to both of you :icon_wink I guess I should wait a bit longer then... I was thinking about this the whole day and I think I'm getting a little depressed again, feeling lonely and needing "freedom"... I also concluded that I might not feel confortable telling any of my friends about this secret without my parents knowing first. It's not like I tell everything to them since I do have private stories with my friends as well, but this is very private/intimate and I can't imagine having enough confidence to tell others if I don't have their support first. I don't know if I should do it though, since I have a friend that's Bi too and probably most of my friends would support me... About the girls kissing, my mom is like "eww" and "thats gross" and just doesn't look anymore or changes channel if it's on the tv... She's also against adoption for same-sex couples. We once discussed that during dinner while watching the news, and I told her my point of view along with some arguments (proven facts and other reasons to my thoughts), but even when she runs out of arguments she acts like she still sticks to her opinion... That's why I think my parents are not informed about LGBT...particularly the part that they didn't chose to be that way and it's just another feature along with so many others, and so they have the same rights as every other human being... Any idea of how I can slowly make them understand this without being too obvious about my orientation? Also, to the ones that already came out, does coming out helped you to know more people and eventually a partner you love? Thank you once again for all your help, I truly appreciate it :icon_wink
First time I came out I was 13-14 I think, I had only two friends at that time (both of them boys) and I just told them and they were completely ok with it. Somehow that didnt helped me at all, I was exactly the same I was before cause they were guys you know? And they were ok with it but I could see their faces whenever I talked about boys and the way they felt like awkward and that didnt helped me at all. After almost two years I came out to a friend (girl) and then to another friend, and that went by until all of my friends (all of them girls) knew it. THAT was the moment that I felt the change in my life. When you have this circle of people you trust and that you feel good with its just another level of freedom. Since then Ive met lots of gays and someday I guess Ill meet my partner, I just havent met the right person yet but thats something for another thread
Well, I've got a head fresh full of thoughts about responses, seeing as I came out to 4 more people today. Anyway, yes, coming out does help. And, I would agree that your mom is just uninformed about homo- and bisexuality. It might help her if you just came out to her, she doesn't seem to have that bad of a reaction. But worse case scenario, I've got a couple arguments that you can use. 1. People aren't total dumbasses, nobody in their right mind would choose to live a "lifestyle" that so many people would hate them for. 2. If they go all bible-quotey on you, try this one. The Old Testament says that gay sex is a sin, but it also says that about eating pork. 3. The New Testament says that "homosexual offenders" go to hell, the word that they translated to "homosexual offenders" means men who are attracted to young boys. So basically, gay PEDOPHILES. Not gay people.
Thank you So my parents noticed I'm upset during these past days. It had happened before, once, but since it was at the same time as another bad personal event, this "problem" got hidden. Now they just keep saying they love me, that they are the best friends I could have, and that they just want me to share what's wrong because it won't affect anything and maybe they can help me. I just keep saying everything's fine, yet they don't believe it (I'm a very bad actor)... I might say "something's not right, but I don't want to talk about it" and hope they respect that, although I want to come out and take this off my chest (but also don't know if I'm prepared).. Has something like this ever happened to you? They might talk to me again about this tonight...
Hi Jack! I also first came out on-line (on another forum). After that, I attended a local coming out group where I could try out how it feels like to openly talk about my being gay (Maybe there's a LGBT group at your college?). Then I told my mother, brother and later all my friends. Outing myself was not an easy, but a highly rewarding experience. I didn't loose friends, but many friendships grew even stronger! And my self-confidence improved significantly. So all in all it was a very positive experience. I only wish I had found the courage to do it earlier (It happened last year when I was 35). From what I read in your messages, I have the feeling that your parents are not more homophobic than average. Let me give you an example: Some of my totally accepting hetero friends did not believe me when I told them that they are also affected by homophobia. Therefore I had them do the following mental experiment. I asked them to close their eyes and envision a scene with a hetero couple kissing, and then to describe their thoughts and emotions, which were of course mostly positive. After that, I asked them to close their eyes again, but this time I wanted them to envision a scene with a gay couple kissing. They had to admit that this second scene caused some adverse reactions in them. One of these friends, who happens to have a PhD in psychology, confirmed that a non-influenced, non-homophobic, natural, neutral reaction for a hetero person would be something like "OK, they love each other, but it doesn't really interest me/turn me on." In the end these very accepting friends had to admit that they are also affected by homophobia, but they promised to work on it :eusa_clap So, to cut a long story short, I wanted to tell you that even if your parents do not like to see gay people kissing (for the moment), it does not mean that they would not support/accept you. From your descriptions I have the impression that they love you very much and that they are very interested in your life and well being, so I have the feeling that it would be the opposite: that they would accept and support you. PS: You must be from a German speaking country (like me): the English word eventual and the German word eventuell do not have the same meaning, they are "false friends" :icon_wink
Thank you! I came out to my parents last night, you can read about it in my other thread I didn't know that :eusa_doh: I'm from a latin country though :icon_wink What I meant with eventual is casual/accidental thing. Sorry for my English!
