Ok, so, a lot of people will just overlook this as being petty and such, but eh, it's getting to me. Gonna try to make this short. Anyways, For those who do talk to me online, for the most part I act happy and optimistic, always trying to be helpful and encouraging. This is far from the real me. I'm personally quite pessimistic and depressed 99% of the time. However, this attitude change isn't just online, I act happy and normal offline. This led my family to seeing me as a normal unemployed 19 year old looking for a job. However, it goes much deeper then that. For reasons I still haven't quite grasped myself, I'm quite depressed. And I'm not even sure if it's related, but I've developed crushes on people online quite fast, and unnaturally, they disappeared within a few days. I'm well aware of crushes and how they work, which is what makes me confused in this aspect. Crushes I have are normally completely deep, I had a crush on one guy for 2 years, another guy for 3 years. And those were my only real crushes (offline). So yea ; Anyways, After responding to davey's thread, I realize, I truely am not over my dad's death. We didn't talk much, but the few months up until his heart attack, we had started becoming closer, then as I stated, I woke up to my sister crying, as he had passed away while I was sleeping, and no one had bothered to wake me up to tell me they were going to the hospital. Over the past 5 years, (Yes, 5 years), I've never truely had someone to talk to. The year he passed away, I kept up a cheerful demeanor and my good grades and attendance to give my mom and sisters something to be happy about, and it worked. It was also the year I had finally accepted that I was gay. Then high school began, and all the bottling up began to show. My health suffered and I was sick every week. Naturally, it got better over time, and I had finally started feeling better about myself in general. Then naturally, the forces at work strike and give me Bells Palsy, destroying what was left of the self confidence I just spent 4 years building back up (I had barely any to begin with due to my weight). Which is the reasoning to me having Quite literally NO self confidence right now. When I came out in march, it felt like a weight had been lifted, and I was happy. Then I started thinking about dad and went back to being sad. Then my friends started drifting from me, making it even worse. And finally, a few family friends weren't very ecouraging with my coming out, making it worse by asking me why did I come out if I don't intend to start dating. (I have yet to tell them that it hurt me when they said that, as well as when they said don't tell their kids I was gay, when I consider them second parents and their kids my siblings, and they know I do.) I still don't know if the kids know, which is saying something. Anyways, yesterday I just felt horrible, so I got off the computer, and went to my room, and for no reason at all, just started crying, eventually falling asleep. I do not cry often. Since my dad died, I have cried on 3 occasions, all of which involved people who either did something personally to hurt me, or went behind my back and did things that made me HATE them, and I don't hate many people. This is why I decided I needed to post this to vent and see if anyone has any support of any kind and such. Crying isn't something I do. I used to cry all the time, but even when my dad died I didn't cry, I couldn't bring myself to. I was always called the crybaby when I was little. Then one day I just chose to stop. Anyways, sorry for venting, just needed to get it off my chest... It's amazing how hard it was to write, and gonna be even harder to press the Submit New Thread Button. I feel bad I don't help as much as I get helped on here, which has led to me not really posting as much. So... now I need to go get sleep, just hoping I don't start crying...
Hey dude! I'm really sorry you're feeling so down and don't feel sorry for venting. We all need it and that's what EC and all us ECians are here for!! I can see you're having a tough time at the moment and I really with there was some way I could make it better for you. It isn't fair. Anyway I think you should really try to talk to someone about what's going on and have someone in real life so to speak that can give you a little support. EC is good but unfortuneatly a little impersonal, although everyone on here is very supportive it's not the same as a friend/relative/whoever that you can talk to on a regular basis. Bottling isn't healthy or helpful. We all do it and it's hard not too, but as soon as you can get over the initial fear/problem with opening up you generally feel 100% better talking. Crying isn't always a bad thing and crying doesn't make you weak. You shouldn't try to stop yourself crying if that feels right as it can help release built up emotions. Are there any things you enjoy doing - like a hobby or something that you can like doing? Personally I find that I feel so much more confident about myself when I'm doing something I enjoy and feel I can do. If you can find an environment where you feel safe and at home I'm sure it will be a brilliant start for feeling better about yourself. It is pretty obvious you still find your dad's death hard so is there anyone you would feel comfortable talking to about it. The longer we keep things to ourselves the more they eat us away. I'm sure your dad would be so upset to see you unhappy and would want you to enjoy your life and live it to the full. He is still with you and always will be. I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful I just wanted to let you know your not alone and if you ever need anything just ask I hope you feel better after some sleep and remember that it is fine to ask for help. We all need it at certain times.
Myzou, First I would like to thank you for taking the time to express your feelings as you did. Sometimes that is the best way to get them out and help you sort through how you feel and make sense of how you feel. Always know that is one of the reasons that this site exists. I know that it has helped me out in many ways. Second, regardless of how people have responded to your coming out you need to realize that it will take them time to begin to process it and accept it in their own way. Remember not to put yourself down for what you did. The main reason why you came out to them is because you wanted to be truthful to them as well as to yourself. Remember to trust and believe in yourself. careandrespect
Myzou, First you need a big hug! (*hug*) It sounds to me like you have never really grieved for your dad especially since you say you have only cried just a few times. Crying is good for you! I would call the hospital or hospice in your community and see if their are any grief support groups you could attend. I went to one once and it was the nicest group of people. They aren't going to care about your appearance or the fact that you are gay. They are going to connect with you because you lost somebody important to you just like they did! I bet going and talking about your dad and the experiences surrounding his death will really help you. (*hug*)
I am glad you posted because a lot of what you wrote sounds like what I feel. I wanna say that...it's amazing how strong you masked your emotions, and I think Becky is right about those emotions finally catching up with you. and that combining with you feeling self-conscious - but don't let people get to you. There are so many people out there that work so hard to push their attitude and personality into everyone's faces to create the illusion that they have control of their life. And it's because they're tremendously afraid that something is wrong with them and they have to prove their worth. Don't place yourself below them; because you have your life to live and dealing with their crap isn't on the to-do list. As far as those mini-crushes. I've been getting them too, and I think it's because of being lonely and feeling isolated. But I'm positive that there is someone out there who would love everything about you, if they get the chance to really know you. I really hope this helps.
I tried 5 times before settling on this reply, its brief but as my replies got longer I realized how unhelpful they were so I decided to post one of my favortie quotes.: "Depression is nourished by a lifetime of ungrieved and unforgiven hurts” -Penelope Sweet I like to think it means that when you don't release some of the pent up feelings, when you push them down deeper, it crushes us and drains us. I am a normally chipper person in public and i have to be but alone in my room its different and scary. So I'm telling you this because EC is a great place.... A wonderful family. You can rant anytime you feel like it!!!
Okay don't know if i'm repeating here because i didn't look at anyone elses but man its okay to cry. trust me i know i said i feel weak but you know what its needed. all through JR High i wouldn't let myself cry and became depressed and angry. then i went into therapy and man those sessions made me cry. but then i found that was the key to releasing my anger and pain. fuck all the people who called you a crybaby okay! its perfectly natural and very much needed. you advice helped me and i'm still sorry to hear about your dad. I hope mine helps at least a little.
I know what your going through. I know about masks. Sometimes its hard to tell the real from the fake. I lost my mom three years ago. it sounds so strange. She and I we were very close especially at the end. But ever since then...I always (well even then...thats when it started) I showed everyone a happy face. Smiling, overly cheerful, mask when really I was falling apart. In all truth I fell so far that JUST barely remember those first two years afterword. Last summer though I thought I had broken through my barrier. I was truly happy. Then as time has gone on I have had a lot of ups and downs this year. But yet as my saddness grew so did my mask. The people I hang out with...you can ask any of them I generally am always happy....and their friends, whom meet me a few times...they too think the same. So I've been looking at things seeing how I can make things better. So I can stop wearing my mask. I looked at the things i was doing last year about this time...why I felt good then. And I realized I was working out-doing something for me. I was also taking care of some one- just something I do. But I was out doing things talking to people and well being human. Which isn't the easiest thing when you have to drive fortyfive minutes to do anything. So lately I have been working towards doing those things again. Slowly enough. As for my depression...its still here...but very slowly I am chiseling away at it with a tiny chisel and hammer. My mask...it is still in place. Another thing...you may think I'm nuts but thats ok because its true. when my mom died I was there and a chaplin came in and she told me that something that might help to ease the pain is to write letters to the person. In your case your Dad. I thought she was nuts. I really did. But then...I wrote a few...and in all truth I felt a little better (a little nuttier but all in all better). Don't know if I helped but i hope I did
Actually, my mom works at a place called CelebrateRecovery. She's always talked about how it's for battered women and their children, or women who went through drug/alcohol abuse. She works as one of the mediators and such, as she's been through what they went through in her youth. A few days ago, she told me and my sisters we should go to GriefShare, a branch off of Celebrate, as they have a place where you can go to talk about loss and such, as she wanted her friends to meet her children, and that we might get some help out of it. I said I didn't want to go, mainly because it'd be talking to 10+ complete strangers in person, about something that happened over 5 years ago, whereas they'd be talking about recent things, on top of the fact they're in their 30s and 40s, and I'm not even 20 yet. Yea, you sound just like me, in regards to putting on a charade to those around you. But when you get in your room where it's private, it's a whole different feeling. For no reason, I just randomly started singing a song yesterday before I went to bed (I think it was Here I am from Camp Rock), and I went to bed feeling a lot better, so I think I may start singing in my room more... Thanks for the response Lily, it does seem a bit weird, but at the same time, I do like to write, I just never really pursued doing it much (Beebo knows about it, we talked about stories we were working on). Recently been thinking of picking up working on that story again, and I'll try the writing to my dad thing, see if it helps, as you say it does. I love writing, even if it isn't related, it makes me feel like I'm letting things go, and makes me feel better even if temporary, but naturally, my 6th/9th grade english teacher told me I sucked at writing, and I lost all interest in it, despite my 11th and 12th grade teachers telling me that I should pursue it. And Davey, about the crying thing: It was sub-conscious. I didn't do it on purpose. I Just randomly stopped crying one day. When my dad died, I tried to cry, but I couldn't. When I should cry, most of the time, all I can do is get my eyes to water, which is somewhat worrisome for me, as that can't be normal. The first time I cried after my dad passing away I cried for 3 days and literally couldn't stop. I blockaided my door so my mom couldn't get in, as I don't like people seeing me when I do cry, because all of my guard is down, and a lot of people like to take advantage of that, my family included. God, I write way too much...
Tim, Sometimes we can't cry - we're just too numb to do so - and often at times when it seems that crying is what we should be doing. Sometimes we might cry for some totally random reason. That's all normal. Maybe not what you might expect - but I know it has happened with me. I was never really close to my Father (my parents split when I was young and I had just begun to 're-connect' with him when he died). When I found out that, not only had he died (on the other side of the world), but had been buried close to two weeks before I knew anything about it - I was distraught. When my Mum died (she brought me up and we were very close) I hardly shed a tear. I was in shock - numb. I thought I was coping OK - but now (years later) I realise I wasn't. Maybe I was in denial, maybe I was just bottling it all up inside - but I didn't deal with it well at all. I really think Becky (she's rather wise you know ) has pretty much nailed it. At least, from my personal, and somewhat similar, experience - I would think so. Even if you don't like the idea...I think grief counselling could help. Just my 2c - feel free to ignore it if you wish - but it makes a lot of sense to me...
I think this is the best place for you. The first 5 minutes - TOPS - will be awkward. But then you'll realize that you're in a safe and welcoming place. You've been hiding your emotions from others, but as a result you've been hiding them from yourself as well. You haven't been dealing with them, acknowledging them, and that simply isn't healthy. It might be easier in the short run, but in the long run it will catch up with you. Trust me on that. I'm speaking from experience. The support group isn't going to care that this is something that happened 5 years ago. You're still upset by it - and that's why you belong there. The fact that you're young doesn't matter. You have every right to be there. Instead of that - or in addition to that - counselling of some kind would likely help. You've got a lot to get off your chest - and talking to someone in person would likely help. We're always here for you, but sometimes that simply isn't enough. Hugs anyway... cuz I care and I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling down. (*hug*)
Tim... I'm really sorry. I've got to go to work right now, but I promise to write up a bigger post when I return. I'm sorry because I sometimes leave you on msn without saying goodbye... It's hugely jerkish... and I'm really sorry about it. Tim... :hug:
