I have been on this process of 'coming out' for a few years now, longer than I have known this site. I didn't even fully accept myself, build a support network, or even explore my thoughts when I broke up with my current GF years ago; I did so simply on the realization that these feelings would not go away and they unbalanced our devotion to each other. It's been over 3 years since that night when I revealed my innermost self and I feel like I've learned a lot but still feel trapped. Reading my bible and building that personal relationship with Jesus is beneficial; it helps me explore a spiritual side of myself I never thought I needed, yet it rigidly prevents me from seeking the happiness I truly desire. I feel exhausted from all this theological research. I've read every argument there is on homosexuality; affirming and condeming, secular and evangelical. I never considered myself deeply religious, and I'm naturally skeptical of most biblical claims I was taught as a child, but I feel compelled to learn as much as I can as to defend myself against my own family, who no doubt will see only disappointment in me. I read your stories here of 10-, 20- and 30-year marriages being dissolved and families being shattered and it breaks my heart. My family loves my GF; her family loves me. Our friends love our union, and our story is ready for marriage, kids, and that white picket fence. Yet it still feels like a choice; in choosing honesty, I am choosing not to honor her over myself; that sounds inherently selfish and unbiblical. I promised my GF that night that I would be completely honest and transparent with her, and have gone back on that promise several times when telling her the truth would only result in devastation. This is the source of my guilt; when I sneak around and write posts like this, I feel like I am deceiving her deliberately. It keeps me from reading books, seeking people, helpful resources, therapy, all because they affirm my 'condition'. She wants me to be completely open with her, but she doesn't accept this more than it's something to work past. Why can't I tell my 'best friend' what I am feeling and have it be okay? A part of me believes what the church tells me, that same-sex unions of any kind were not God's design or somehow not most desirable. Yet the facts that I never chose this nor can change my orientation is immutable. It feel like I am searching for loopholes to make my sin acceptable. Everything is so 'clear' outside the Christian theology that homosexuality is normal, yet so 'clear' inside it that it hasn't been for millenia.
Hi. I completely understand what your going through. I was somewhat in the same situation you were in questioning my faith and question on whether I was being sinful or not. The bible has been a around for a thousand years and translated into different languages and people changed the verses to mean something else. If you research the bible in its original language and that takes a highly educated person to do that you will see the bible never condemned homosexuality and mistranslated by man. When Jesus died on that cross he did so once we believed in him we are saved from our sins and may enter the kingdom of God. That is what it truly means to be a born again christian. You cannot get the truth from a minister or and church cause over the years they made church of hateful and angry brainwashed fundamentalists. There are so churches that preach I was talking about and they love gays just as they love everybody else. Are you financially independent on your parents and do you still live with them. If not I would wait to tell them anything until you fully live on your own because of the safety risks involved. It sucks to have homophobic family or even family that doesn't seem to understand the challenges we face. As far as coming out goes there is no certain age or time you must come out at. Come out on your own terms when your comfortable and safe. What your girlfriend's views on homosexuality. If she is accepting maybe you can come out to her if you trust her. I think either way it is not fair to you or your girlfriend to stay in this relationship and it if keeps continuing there will me even more pain down the road. For the reason I would strongly suggest breaking up with her and continue to work on your self. I am praying for your success in life.
I think the affection of your family for your GF, and her family's affection for you, are some of the sources of the pressure you feel to live a heter-normative life. That affection is seductive in a way; It's warm, and it's comfortable, and sometimes, maybe it seems like it would be enough. But the affection is rooted in a lie, the lie that you are straight. Getting married to your GF, having kids and a white picket fence--those are choices. And saying that your story is ready for those things--it is just a story, isn't it? Being gay, not at all. In choosing honesty, you would be honoring her as equally as you honor yourself. You would be removing a lie that lives between you, allowing her to find a man who can love her as she deserves to be loved. I don't see that as particularly selfish or unbiblical. Quite the opposite! You use the word "devastation" as though it would mean the end of life. But it would begin the process of living a life with integrity, for both of you. Yes, there will be a lot of pain in the process. But do you want to inflict that pain after 10 or 20 or 30 years together? If your GF doesn't see this as more than something to "work past," to overcome, she's denying the immutability of your sexuality. (Because, honestly, you certainly don't sound as if your sexuality is at all fluid.) And that means that she's not willing to have you be completely open with her if it means that you are completely open about this. So who's being dishonest here? It sounds to me as if you're each enabling the other to live a lie. It seems to be working for her, not so much for you. I guess I'd ask you this. Is exploring your "condition" here on EC, with a therapist, in support groups, in books, wherever, is a source of guilt for you, where does that guilt come from? If it comes from within yourself, as a result of religious beliefs, or societal and family expectations, then you need to explore that (most likely with a therapist). If you feel the guilt as something imposed on you by your GF, then maybe you're in an unhealthy relationship. You call it "my sin." What makes being gay a sin? A few passages written a 2-3 thousand years ago, and translated, reinterpreted, and cherry-picked over the years? Lots of Christian denominations do not believe that homosexual acts are sinful. And they read the same bible you do. Your religion tells you that it's not God's design, but science tells you that while your sexuality may that of a minority, it is not abnormal in any way. Faith and science are separate realms. One requires belief without proof, the other demands evidence (proof) regardless of belief. You say you've read the stories here of marriages shattered after 10 or 20 or 30 years. We didn't make them up. Time and again, you've read that we eventually had to choose integrity rather than continue to lie to ourselves and our partners. We never intended to hurt our partners--we all believed we could "make it work." But none of us here have succeeded. Otherwise we wouldn't be here. (*hug*)
She feels it's an abomination, she hates how accepting society is, she sees it as man loving his sin more than God. My coming out made her more anti-gay, and she gets disappointed when I don't pray, read God's promises, or come to her or our pastor when I am weak and feel broken. We've dated 5 years, she's known most of that time, we pledged to work through it, but I feel worse trying to change. Although sex with her is great when it happens, I'm pretty sure that I'm gay; all the signs point that way from when this started, what I'm attracted to, what gets me off, my sexual history, my relationships, it became literately ridiculous NOT to think I'm gay. I agree with the science; I cannot change this. What I struggle with is, what does it mean to change, does change just mean "daily repentance", is the lie "you can't change" or "you must change", and if I even want to, and what THAT means. Apparently not. Devastation is what happens when I tell her the truth. Every time I speak my truth the pain it causes is unbearable, and we end up still together, just convinced that my heart is wrong, or my feelings are not of God, or I'm selfish, or somehow don't love her or know how to love, and I say I'll try harder. She feels this can change because it has to; God doesn't curse someone with an affliction that he condemns. Anything short of conversion means that I haven't taken all of the steps necessary to rid myself of this, or I am rushing God's work, or with more commitment this struggle becomes easier. I can't point out statistics because those are "of the world" and by looking them up means that my heart doesn't want to change because we "love our sin so much". All of this sounds so ridiculous when I type it here, but so real when I talk to her in person. Thank you for talking with me. I haven't been able to get this out for months; I'm almost in tears writing this.
Hey hey no crying or I will cry as well. I tried to reply several times to you but as I am brought up as a Muslim my point of view a bit different than yours. However as gay people, religious people and their merciless prejudice hurts us all the same. God know everything, past, present and future, right? So when He created me He knew what he was doing. Maybe I am dumb but saying something is bad but keep creating it again and again sounds stupid even to me, the dumb guy. In our belief God descended people in tongues and color so they can overcome that challenge. Maybe Gay is new challenge. All religions ain't about doing things by the way of a book of doubtful origin (not meaning God ain't send those books but they smell heterosexual male superiority very strongly. I trust in God but sorry I don't trust in goodness in all humans). In my belief God sent those books and prophets to show us ways to be better human. They try to live by a book and don't care who they hurt while doing that. I am trying to be best human I can be and make God proud of me. Show Him that I am not a wasted resource and will try to use his gift... open minded personality came with my gayness... to my best ability to defend those who can't defend themselves. They can think women are lesser beings, they can think followers of other religions are evil/heaten, they can say lgbt people are abomination... I say they are all human and they deserve equal chances and compassion from me unless they outright evil. Anyway I hope I didn't offend anyone but seeing people suffer, especially my people makes me see everything red.
I know your scared and your facing their nerve racking decisions but continuing this relationship will only destroy you. You have been brainwashed into thinking your feelings are wrong, sinful and sending you to hell and your relationship is not out of love but control. Your girlfriend see this "weakness" and is using it to control you and it is only working in her favor. I would strongly urge you to break up with her and you don't owe her anything. You don't even have to say I want to accept myself as I really am or anything like that. You need to work on yourself and finding a way to lead a positive life. God loves you and his heart breaks that you feels this way because you are not wrong. I will continue to pray for greatness to come into your life and I hope something good can come out of this.
