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Walking away from my loving and supportive family cause I'm gay

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by ssspro360, Mar 19, 2014.

  1. ssspro360

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    So, recently I have been coming out to people that I am a lesbian. It's def not easy but I have this amazing girlfriend who has been there every step of the way. She asked me the other day if I would introduce her this summer to my parents as my girlfriend and I told her that when I come out to my parents that will be the last time I will ever talk to them. She looked absolutely shocked and her jaw dropped. My family is super close knit, not religious at all, we are spiritual, but not religious. They are the most supportive family ever. All my friends say my parents are the most amazing rents they've ever met and so on and so on.

    I come from a family where everyone is perfect. I was even perfect. I was a pro snowboarder who lost their career to an injury but its okay cause after my snowboarding career I became a Division 1 athlete on one of the number 1 cross country teams in the nation. I won a Pac-12 title, always had the best internships, was everyones friend, super good at everything I put my hand to. Thats just who I am. I work my but off and am a complete perfectionist. My family is also perfect my mom has that perfect rags to riches story and my dad was a non-profit lawyer for people with disabilities you might as well call him ghandi. As you can imagine everyone else in my family is perfect. Not only that they are the most loving family ever. But we have all had these roles that we wrote for ourselfs of how life will be. And me being gay was NEVER in that plan. Because I come from such a hegemonic family it intimidates me that I am gay. No one else in my family is gay and I know that being gay isn't hegemonic at all infact its the complete opposite, and also far from perfect. I feel as though when I come out my parents will be nothing but supportive and loving but I don't want to be apart of my family if I can't be perfect. I never want to speak to them again because I know I will have let their plan down, not only their plan but my plan as well.

    I've told a couple of people that when I come out that that will be the last conversation I ever have with my family and they think it is weird. Even if its not I know my relationship with them will suffer and will never be the same. I feel so alone with this thought and feel like I am not good enough for them or me. I feel like this is just one more flaw that is added to my plate and I do not have time for an environment that I will constantly realized I am flawed in.

    Does/has anyone else ever felt like this? Or known someone else that has felt like this? I could really use some advice or something.

    Thanks.
     
  2. StillAround

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    I think many of us have felt this. But from everhything you say, your family will be accepting of who you are.

    And what makes you think that, because you're gay, you're not perfect? Where does that come from? How about seeing a therapist for a while to explore this notion of perfection?

    (*hug*)
     
  3. ssspro360

    ssspro360 Guest

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    Well its been studied and proven that gay people don't make as much money as straight people do and don't hold as high positions as striaghts. If being gay fit into the realm of perfection why would coming out be a big deal? Why wouldn't society just accept gay people? If being gay was in the realm of perfection then you could get married and civil rights in every state. I strive for hegemony and perfection. I don't want to be flawd. In fact I don't think anyone wants to be flawed.

    I know my family will accept me but at the same time like I said before why should I have to deal with an environment where I personally don't feel my best? I live across the country from them in an environment where I do feel my best. Life is too short to have toxins and if that means losing my family, even though my mom is my best friend, I'd be okay with it.
     
  4. BMC77

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    I'll echo this.
     
  5. ssspro360

    ssspro360 Guest

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    I'll echo this as well.
    Can you attest to this not being correct?

    Seems like you guys are missing the ball here.
     
  6. BMC77

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    As for perfection...

    People aren't perfect. Everyone has flaws of some sort. The best we can do is live our life the best we can. Doing the best we can with the cards dealt to us.

    Yes, society has issues with LGBT people. But that is changing, and changing rapidly. Not that many years ago, there was ZERO marriage equality. Now it's becoming reality, state by state.
     
  7. GayCJ

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    Just because you are gay doesn't mean you are flawed. Maybe it's true that gay people don't make as much money, ON AVERAGE. Ellen DeGeneres came out as lesbian and 5 years after got her own show.
     
  8. ssspro360

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    ok so I'm not perfect. I'm super close to it though. I'm good at everything I've ever done. And everyone always describes me as that girl that will get anything she wants some one said that to me just a couple of days ago. But what I want is to be hegemonic. I want hegemony. I don't want to be seen as second class cause of who I like to fuck. And thats where my problem rolls in my entire family is the definition of hegemonic except me. Do you now understand why I feel so out of place and don't have a desire to want to be apart of that any more?

    Don't get me wrong here. I am extremely close with my family. We're a group of loud italians from NJ theres not many people if any at all who don't like us. I just don't think it'd be healthy to stick around though. I also live 1600 miles away from my family so its not like I see them very often. Which, honestly is helping me walk away better

    ---------- Post added 19th Mar 2014 at 01:23 PM ----------

    I also hope to never EVER be compared to Ellen degeneres ugh! Shes so old and sooooo socially awkward its painful to watch! And just proves more and more every day that white people cannot dance well haha
     
  9. silverhalo

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    Hey first of all it's tough being gay and telling your family. The thing is no one is perfect and those that appear perfect are just good at hiding or ignoring their flaws. Its not about being perfect, everyone is dealt a different hand in life, so what can make people near perfect or at least heading in that direction is to be the best person you can be, it's about so much more than how much money you make or how up the hierarchy you sit. One of the hardest things for me when I realised I was gay is that I felt like I was letting my family down, but in reality my parents didn't feel like that it was in my head.
    I think the thing that will most disappoint your parents is that they will lose you, rather than the fact you are gay.
     
  10. ssspro360

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    But how do I fit into a family that is so hegemonic when I'm not? Even if I don't walk away totally our relationship will never be the same. I think for my own self I need to walk away. I need to be able to be free and be myself and not always feel hindered. Do you get that?
     
  11. silverhalo

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    Yeah I definitely get that. I'm not saying you have to live close to them or see them every day. I just think you need to see what happens, and go with it. Sometimes families surprise you. I do think you are right it is important for you to be yourself and to be free to express yourself but what I don't want you to do is make the decision before you have seen what happens.
     
  12. Valkyrimon

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    If your family is so perfect, then don't you think they'll do everything in their power to make you feel as welcome as possible? I appreciate it's difficult for you and perhaps you won't be able to fit in with your family. But you have so far, right? Your sexual orientation won't change that. It might be awkward at first, but things will become more open. Giving up before you've even tried is not a hegemonic trait. If hegemony is what you really want, then perhaps it'd be best for you to give it a shot. A relationship with your family where you can be truly honest with them and be true to yourself sounds closer to perfection to me than one that could not adapt to a gay daughter.
     
  13. ssspro360

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    Oh I am absolutely sure that they will adapt to having a faggot for a kid but for me I want to be free I don't want to have to be the one that they keep a secret. And infact, I know that they would keep that a secret. And I also know that walking away from them would absolutely completely break there heart apart. I realize what I am doing is selfish and cruel but I need to be alone. I can't be in an environment that keeps pushing to be better. This is the best I can be and usually I use the motivation to be better but it's not like im just going to magically turn straight. I also feel like I'd look week to my other relatives and that I wouldn't just be their cousin or aunt I'd always come along with "oh thats my aunt, shes gay though" I have no time to waste on being in that environent.
     
  14. setnyx

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    no family is perfect. you may be surprised to learn some imperfect things about other family members that they didn't want you to know. there is nothing wrong with you because you gay. it's society that puts those thoughts in our heads. just like it told us being black was wrong, being a woman was wrong, short,fat, poor. society is wrong but it is catching up. look how long it took women to get the right to vote. no need to be ashamed of who you are and distance yourself from your family, to save face or to punish yourself. you'll be punishing them as well.
     
  15. ssspro360

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    Being fat is still wrong though......

    How am I punishing myself if this is what I want?
     
  16. Clay

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    I think your strive for perfection is the real problem here, not your orientation.

    There's always going to be someone better than you, it doesn't matter who you are or what you do, and being gay doesn't change that.

    You shouldn't pretend your family is perfect and that you coming out will change that. They're not perfect, and it sounds like they'll love you no matter what, which is fantastic. Don't plan everything you want to do after you come out, like not speaking to your family, instead cross that bridge when you come to it.
     
  17. ssspro360

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    no way my family is totally perfect its fucking awesome too there such good people its unreal not to be cocky or anything but everyone is way succesful and good at everything they do. Like every sport i play im a fucking baller at. And I know theres always some one better than me! Thats the most cliche thing you could ever say haha. Its cool I'm stoked when people beat me at something it keeps motivation going and its way humbling.
     
  18. Clay

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    Well like I said, your stive for perfection is the real problem here. You need to stop believing they're perfect.
     
  19. ssspro360

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    Perfection or no perfection the real term would be that they are hegemonic. A family full of hegemony and a child like me. It doesn't mix
     
  20. Uranian

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    This.

    And.... perfection does not exist imo.