My mom called me today to invite me to eat dinner with her and my dad and brother. Some of you may know the problems I'm having with my dad, well my mom, always the one to try and fix things says: "I don't think your dad would admit it but I think he misses you" The problem is that I know exactly what dinner will be like, my mom will start talking to me about what is going on in my life and eventually something comes up that would make my dad stand up and go into another room and only come out to tell me that he loves me and to have a safe trip home. This something could be my mom asking about girls or something simple that would make him think about my sexuality. My mom and I are very close and she is comfortable with my sexuality so being the nosy but loving mom she is she just wants to make conversation with me since I don't see her very often. I know my dad doesn't like that I'm gay and we have talked about it so many times I've lost count and finally just decided we can't change each others opinions. I thought I could just act like it doesn't bother me but it does. Why can't I spend some time with them without my dad doing that? So I don't know if I want to go today or not, I've gone enough times to know what will happen. If I tell my mom not to talk about things that can make him do that she tries to make sure she doesn't but there is always something small that you wouldn't think about that makes him react the same way. Should I go? Am I just being a bitch if I don't?
I'd say go. But before you do, call your mom and voice your concerns. Tell her "It seems like every time I get together with him, we manage to steer the conversation in a direction which makes him really uncomfortable, and he leaves the room. And then I feel guilty for some time afterwards because of that. I don't mind coming over, but I want to make sure that that doesn't happen again tonight." I think that'll help get her in the right frame of mind. And if you hear her starting to nudge in some "no-no" direction, immediately put on the brakes. Say, "I don't think we need to talk about that tonight." And ask your brother what he's up to. Lex
Honestly, it's up to you. You might have problems with your dad, but why should you let that get in the way of hanging out with the other members of your family (ie: mom)? Maybe you could ask your mom to not bring anything up about your sexuality at dinner, to just talk about other things besides that. Another thing, I don't think it would make you a bitch if you don't go. I have a very strained relationship with my father and I often avoid spending time with him, it doesn't make me a bitch or a bad person, I just don't like being around him. So, to sum this thing all up, just talk to your mom about her not bringing up your sexuality in front of your dad and if she can manage to do that, go to dinner. I think that would be best for you.
I think that you should go. If you're Mom does bring up girls at the dinner table or whatever, you could just say something simple and drop it. Then if later she still wants to talk about you and whats going on with your life you could talk with her seperately. Hope this helps:icon_bigg
It just makes me mad that I can't have a casual conversation with my mom without my dad getting mad. It's like "oh going over to my parents today, better watch what I say and hide part of who I am" It's hard to be around my dad anyway, it's awkward and forced and he says a handful of things to me while keeping this look on his face that plainly says he doesn't feel comfortable around me. He used to smile and laugh and joke with me and he doesn't do that anymore he isn't the same dad I used to have. I really think my mom begs him to let me visit. Believe me I've had plenty of conversations with my mom and I think that is why she tries so hard to keep my dad and I talking.
The fact that both of you are showing up to these things is a good sign, though, I think. He still needs to get used to the fact that you're still you. Yes, there are some topics you're going to have to avoid, at least for awhile. But as time goes on, he should start easing up. If he doesn't, you can at least you tried. Lex
he has known for a year and 8 months seemed accepting and then just recently over the last month or 2 been very unaccepting it was like he just flipped a switch. I'm going to go but I know what will happen I just hope it will be different this time. Hopefully no mention of things like you're going to burn in hell (always a classic now that is one that makes me laugh!) I'm moving even farther away in a few weeks so it will be even longer inbetween visits then. So I guess it wouldn't hurt to put up with him again I just wish he would be more civil. Thanks.
I went and my dad just ignored me from the start without any mention of anything that would make him uncomfortable. I think I'm just going to give up on him ever changing but overall I had a good time with my mom so I'm glad I went.
I'm glad about that. Even though I am not out to most of my family (neither immediate nor extended), I still often times have disagreements with certain members of my family. I have one uncle who always treats everyone like they're an idiot with zero intelligence. I have an aunt who thinks that everyone is out to get her. And working in Personnel, I know what it is like to interact with different personalities. Honestly though, I really do respect that you went today. I think that was very important. I do not think I would have had the courage to go with those feelings. In fact, these very feelings have kept me in the closet as far as my parents are concerned. Being an only child, my mother has said many times that she just wants me to be happy, and that everything she does is for me. My father on the other hand, has only said he loves me once, and I think that he would be far less accepting of me - and I fear how awkward everything would be once he knows that I am attracted to guys. It'd be a lot like everything is a disappointment... he always jokes around with my male cousins, "oh, I'd love to take her out for a weekend of hot passionate sex..." that kinda thing. Sorry to ramble on. Congrats again, and I am glad you had a good time!
You made the right choice in going but I'm sorry that things didn't go well with your father. It doesn't sound like there's going to be much change in the near future, all you can do is give him more time and see what happens. I'm glad you had a good time with your mother though.
