I have fought for nearly everything that I have in my life. At six years old almost died but I was too stubborn to stay down. Then again at eight, ten, and twelve. After I got to a "normal" level of health. I fought my father and brothers for beating the crap out of me. I fought to stop the verbal abuse from them and the rest of my family. Then high school comes around and I meet this girl and suddenly, "Woah! Audeamus! Look what YOU'VE been ignoring all your life?!" So I chose to ignore it because I just couldn't handle another (metaphorical) battlefront at the time. There have been many, many (not an absurd amount) girls that I have been attracted to/have had a crush on that I have just pushed to the back of my mind. I have been ignoring it yes, but I have not been in denial. I know that I am a lesbian, and I accept it to a certain extent (this is why I have come here for advice, y'all just need to know the whole story to understand where I am coming from). Now, the plan was to just ignore it and go ahead with the whole husband, white picket fence, and children plan. After awhile, something unidentifiable changed (perhaps moving to college? perhaps going on a three year leave from college and being away from people my own age? idk) and I am now at the point that, I look at women and think "could you be my future". I am shy by nature and the idea of going up to a woman that I am attracted to and flirting, terrifies me. Not because I know I will turn red (because I will) but because I know it could get back to my parents, my siblings, my extended family, my friends. And that is something that absolutely cannot happen. In part, I think it might be leftover shame? My whole goal as a sick kid in a dysfunctional family was to build my own family. Marry a good man from a big, kind family, have my own children and teach them all that I was not taught. Yes, I can still do that with a woman. But I guess the urge to go out into the world and say "I came from YOU but look what I have built" is still there. I have read that blog/forum post/whatever on coming out and the thing that really stuck out for me was "listen to your instincts" when it comes to coming out to family/friends. My instincts tell me to run as far and as fast as I can and do everything possible to make sure they NEVER find out. I know what my family and friends would do if they knew, and that terrifies me to the point of sickness. I am ostracized enough for what I have been through. I do not know if I have the fortitude to go through yet another war to be who/what I am. I guess my question is, Is it even worth it? Or should I stick to my plan to pretend? :help:
You are the only one living your life, knowing your dealings with people so you can only answer that question. I am only out to my best friend and my online gaming buddies. To be honest in real life I don't give a damn if anyone knows so coming out wasn't a problem but... My mother stopping me from coming out. When I was a teenager I stand up for LGBT people when mom and her friends discussing a newspaper article. I said "Everyone can be gay. Even I can be a gay". She told me she will kill me with her bare hands if I were a gay. I am not afraid of her or anything she can do me physically, she is half of my size for starters. What keeping me down is making her upset. She raised me and my brother all by herself when dad passed away when I was 10. We, my brother and I, did terrible things and she paid the price for them, both economically and emotionally. Maybe in these days she will be more tolerant and understand however she has to come out to all relatives, friends etc. She cares what they will say while I only care about her and don't want her to live rest of her life in shame. Anyway in short, I know it is a hard decision to make but take your time and don't rush. You are the only one who can give the best answer to your questions. Keep in mind whatever you do, you are not wrong or alone. We are here and ready accept you as you are. Hugs.
I've had this same problem I am wondering if it's worth it a friend ofmine brought up that guys are becoming more girly and not manly enough and that gays can't procreate started making me second guess my lifestyle as being into girls and wanting to marry girls and have natural kids
I was afraid someone would say that. Sometimes I wish someone would just tell me straight up what to do in this situation. However, I am contradictory enough that I would go in the opposite directions. I know what I want. I want to be happy. Coming out would make me happier then I have been for a long while. I would feel peaceful, free, and less weighed down. For about five seconds before my Father grabbed the shot gun and my Mother grabbed the baseball bat and chased me all the way to the airport. Here is my dilemma: If I do come out, I will have that moment of happiness (and a good chance at finding a wonderful woman to love and have a family with) before everything comes crashing down and I lose everything. I will then have the whole situation to deal with in another place. If it does not go well there. I will become depressed (I know myself well enough to know this). I will also become depressed between meeting new friends and telling them. If I do not come out...secrets like this weigh on a person. At this point, I am merely living day to day hoping nothing happens this day or the next day. I am weary of it all. But I am safe and I have a bed to sleep in and food in my belly. If I become too weary I am worried about keeping up the whole "Hot or Not" facade with my mother regarding guys on tv, guys on the street, etc. I rarely talk to my Father so he is not as worrying. Ugh. ---------- Post added 21st Mar 2014 at 04:05 AM ---------- Gays can procreate. Lesbians: invitro Gays: surrogate I want to say to you that I don't think you should let your friend's opinion make you second guess your lifestyle but that would make me a hypocrite. Ever think your friend isn't being a very good friend?:eusa_naug
Only you can decide what to do, I can't tell you what to do...... I know this sounds awfully cliche but listen to your heart buddy.
You are right Aude, Those secrets/role playing weighs heavily on you. If you think you can support yourself and erase your family if things go very wrong, go for it and come out. I decided several years ago, if I will find the guy who I can share rest of my life I will come out to mother at that instant. Now there is no pressing issues for that. This is why I keep telling people they will know their exact coming out time, all those guides, advices written by author's experiences/what they witnessed in life. Every family/society has different values and dynamics. Probably this is what they called "instincts" I call it careful planning.
That coming out plan sounds promising, White Knight. After careful consideration, I might have to steal it. After moving for a normal, non suspicious, reason of course. I only plan for things that can be controlled. I truly don't think this can be entirely controlled. Although I will be trying my damnedest to do so.
Do what is right for you.There is no right/wrong thing to do in this situation and whether you do/do not decide to come out I respect that.I have a pretty weird history myself and can easily not have been here today.I have gotten through it by realizing this: No1 knows everything.You and only you,know what is best for you in the end.Sometimes the problems themselves are the solution.Sorry if that sounds vague.
That's where I'm at too but I'm way happier with the same sex but ill tell you one thing I have had very little negative experiences after coming out most of my friends have come out of the closet after I did in fact if more people came out of the closet then there wouldn't be a closet to come out of anymore and people could just be themselves
Hi there, and welcome to EC! I'm glad you've found us here. There are MANY of us here who would tell you that trying to 'fake it' over the long haul is almost impossible. Something has to give. Usually it's our own mental health and happiness - and that in turn affects those around us - the spouse we took out of convenience, the kids we had with that spouse, etc. They all suffer as a result of our unhappiness. So I would discourage you from trying to fake it just to spite your parents. You'd be creating another disfunctional family situation - which was the opposite of your intentions. If you really do fear for your safety, then coming out now may not be right. Making plans to remove yourself from your current situation is what you should be focusing on. Move to a more accepting place, and make new supportive and open minded friends. Build a support network for yourself - because we all need that in life. THEN consider being more open. Yes - the thought of going up to someone and flirting with them scares the heck out of most people. It looks easy on TV and in the movies, but in reality, most people (99%?) do NOT meet their significant other by walking up to them and delivering some kind of clever pick up line. We meet them through normal circumstances - at work, in a club or sports team we joined, through a mutual friend, or through a dating site where you can interact with like-minded people. And you'll do that once you're out to yourself and comfortable being out to other people. When that point in time might be is unique to your situation. Everyone is different. If you're carrying around a lot of shame and trauma from your childhood and familiy of origin, getting some counselling might (would) also be helpful. Having an unbiased professional to talk to about our challenges can be very healing and empowering. Somethign else to consider. Good luck - and again - welcome!
Urgh. Jim, the logic you use! So answers to what you were saying: 1) The whole "fake it" plan never came out of spite. I got over the need to spite my parents quite a few years ago. It originally came out of need for normalcy. (what society views as normal anyways) The overall goal was to blend into normal society. However, I do see your point and I never really thought of how bad it could become for all involved in that family experiment. (To be fair, I didn't think longer term then the need to keep my head above water) 2) Plans are being made. Just taking longer then I thought. 3)The supportive and open minded friends bit is going to be the hardest for me. I have known that since the beginning. I am terribly shy and just all around bad with people. I don't really pick up well on typical social cues. Although the club/sports team/work etc. option you talked about (in relation to relationships:eusa_doh sounds like a good idea for friends or funtimes. I have been pretty hermity lately so I might have to get back in the social game. 4) A friend once told me that I was constantly flirting with strangers, boy and girl. I thought I was just being nice! I don't think she really knew what she was talking about though. 5)I have done the counseling route. Many different times to many different counselors specializing in different things. I have even done it recently (University offers free counseling). I go in there with a plan of things to talk about and then I end up faking the normal happy person thing. I don't even realize I'm doing it until hours after the appointment! Even after I know what has happened and I make a plan, write it down, etc. for the next appointment, the same thing happens! The counselors eventually tell me to stop coming because there's nothing wrong with me or "nothing they can do to help such a well adjusted person" *facepalm* So no idea what to do regarding this anymore. Thanks for the welcome.
