OK. Here goes. I’ve been putting this off all day. But now the house is spotless, my bed is made, ironing is done… time to bite the bullet. Here’s my story. I’ll try not to make it too long because I do want people to read it. I’m 26 and I’m a little embarrassed (OK, a lot embarrassed) to say that I’m still hiding away in the closet. I mean, I’ve known for a long time that I’m gay, I’ve just never admitted to it. I’ve never been with a guy before, never been with anyone actually! I’ve had a few female friends who’ve been interested, but I’ve always spun the “You’re a great friend, but I don’t feel that way about you,” line. God, looking back now, how gay does that sound? Not enough obviously because I’ve never been asked. Not by my friends at least. Why haven’t I been asked? Have they never wondered why I’m 26 and haven’t had a girlfriend?! Posting this is a HUGE step for me, because I’ve never been any good at sharing my feelings or emotions with anyone (including myself), which I guess is how I’ve managed to end up still in this situation at my age. I’m actually really surprised at how easily this is all coming out and unless I’m careful I can see this being 10 pages long. I knew back in high school that I was attracted to guys rather than girls. Let’s just say if I was flipping through a store catalogue I wouldn’t give two glances at the ladies modelling bras but always found myself lingering on the pages of guys modelling underwear. You’d think that would ring alarm bells in your head, but somehow I convinced myself that it was just a phase and things would change (I’m sure I’m not the only guy to have done that). I mean, I couldn’t be gay. I’m normal. And normal = straight, right? (Rhetorical question - I know the answer to that now) Anyway, I guess as I was going through uni I started to realise that phases don’t last that long. But rather than start to acknowledge my feelings I pushed them onto the back-burner. I had always been really studious and it was much easier to bury myself in my study than deal with my feelings. And besides, most of my friends were single, I could be perfectly happy just being single and pretending I was straight. Plus, despite my physical attractions, I didn’t feel comfortable with the stereotype of what being gay meant (or what I perceived it meant). When I finished uni I moved out from home into a place with two friends (females – it seems my whole life my closest friends have always been females). I had just started a new job and again I threw myself into that, happy to remain single and pretend to be attracted to women. It was probably around some stage during that year (3 years ago now) that I think I finally came properly to terms with the fact that I was gay. (Late bloomer) But the thought of ‘coming out’ never really crossed my mind. I guess I thought it was something I should have done earlier and I’d missed my chance. “I should have done it by now, but since I haven’t I’ll just wait.” What was I thinking? That it would get easier the longer I left it? And despite the fact that I knew I was gay I hadn’t been with a guy so I guess I thought I’d just wait until that happens. But of course I was never going to meet a guy while I was hiding myself away in the closet and so the cycle continued. That’s pretty much the way it stayed until about 6 months ago, when probably the person who I would consider my best friend (female, again) got herself a boyfriend. See, although there was never any attraction between us (well, not from my end, but I knew she had a thing for me at one stage) she was like a pseudo-girlfriend. We were the only two from our group of high-school friends not to have partners and so we tended to do a lot of things together. We’d turn up to parties together, go to the movies together, even went on an overseas holiday together last year. But now that she has a boyfriend I’ve been thinking more and more about my situation. I’ve had a couple of occasions over the past 6 months when I’ve really fretted about where I’m at and I’d have to get out, go on a big long walk to try and gather my thoughts. But suddenly in the last week its like a light has just been turned on in my head and I just can’t seem to stop thinking about it. It’s the last thing I think about when I go to sleep and the first thing I think about when I wake up. Everywhere I look I feel like the world is trying to tell me something. I’m reading messages into song lyrics and finding signs everywhere. I’m sick of biting my tongue when I’m with a female friend and she comments on how hot some guy walking past looks. I’m tired of feeling unbearably awkward when I’m with some male friends and the topic turns to women. I’m just sick of pretending. It’s exhausting! But, I sort of feel trapped. I’m a little scared of telling my family (I guess that’s normal). I’m also scared to tell my friends, but you know what, I’m scared in a different way. Its not their reaction to being gay I fear (as I said, most of my friends are female and it seems females love having gay male friends), it’s the “Why didn’t you say something years ago?” reaction I fear. I’m so unbelievably embarrassed that I’ve tried to cover this up for so long. It’s funny, I said before that 3 years ago I thought “I should have done this sooner, so now its too late.” Now I’m wishing I had done something back then - it wasn’t too late. I guess if I leave it now, again, I’ll look back in another 3 years and think, “I should have done it then, it wasn’t too late, but now it is.” This’ll go on forever if I keep this up. I’ve been reading other posts on this site from people 6, 7, 8 years younger than me and thinking “Gee, if only I’d accepted my feelings back then.” Anyway, I’ve only discovered this site in the last week and was impressed by how friendly and helpful everyone seems. I really needed to get all of that off my chest, and I do feel better for it. I don’t know that I’m asking for advice, but more hoping for someone to tell me they can see where I’m coming from, or that they’ve been in the same situation, or even just tell me a joke, to make me laugh. I know its long, but if anyone has read this any comments would be more than welcome, in fact, greatly appreciated.
Hey Chuck, its ok! I still haven't told anybody('cept on this site) and I don't think its weird at all. Plus (to answer the retorichal question[I think i can do that]) nothing in this dang world we call home is normal anymore!
Welcome to EC, Chuck! Reading your post I found myself nodding at several places. Although circumstances are different, the thoughts you expressed etc are very similar to how I felt. I also came out when I was 26. It certainly isn't too late, although I know too well the feelings that you have wasted the last 10 years. You can't do anything about the past though, so think about the future instead. That's what you can control! I realised I was gay by the time I was 16. I had done things with boys at boarding school since I was 11, but of course I thought it was "just a phase" and something that a lot of lads do. Well a lot of lads at the school did, and most of them turned out straight. The realisation came when I got a major crush on a guy that I saw every week at the railway station, when I was 16 or 17. I never spoke to him of course, as he was with his school mates. I realised then that I was gay, but spent the next 10 years denying it. Just like you, eventually the pressure builds up to the point where you can no longer hide it and have to face it. Just as you described it as "a light turned on in your head". There seems to be a point where the logical part of brain decides that the emotional part of the brain has been stalling on this for long enough. The logical part takes over, comes to the only possible conclusion. You are gay. Have you been reading this thread by Xequar? He is 25 and his thread is a sort-of blog of his coming out process. Xequar has been coming out to friends, work colleagues, family etc. It is not necessary to do that straight away though. Do it when you are ready. I think your next step should be seeking out some gay friends. I don't mean potential partners (though don't rule that out) but friends. I'm sure one of our Australian members can point you in the right direction there, if you indicate roughly whereabouts in Australia you are. We have quite a few Australian members, including two of the moderators. I had several gay friends, including one very good friend (a lot of people thought we were partners, though we weren't) which really helps when you are coming out to friends and family etc. The support of gay friends at this time is great, whether to sit down for a serious talk or to go for a couple of drinks and some fun. You may well find that when you do get to telling family and friends, that it isn't that difficult after all. Although they won't have said anything, I'm sure they would have noticed the lack of serious girlfriends and started to wonder. That was my experience. Though the fact that you seem to have had a lot of female friends over the years could have been enough to make people think you just weren't ready to settle down. I am so pleased you have found this site and felt comfortable to express and share your feelings here. This is a great community and I am certain you will get plenty of support here.
I don't believe it's ever too late to come out until you're six feet under! There are many LGBTQblabla people that don't come to acceptance of their sexuality until way past your age. 26 isn't that old, really! Just be grateful you aren't married to a women with two children. As for me, I've been having gay crushes even before kindegarten.. I didn't really think much of it then. During middle school I basically denied it, but as I went into high school, I realized it was a pretty neat thing and embraced it. Like you, I've never been with anyone, and I've had a few female friends who were interested. People have asked if I am gay, and unfortunately, I am guilty of lieing half of the time. I'm a bit tired of being in the closet though, so I'm promising myself not to lie to anyone anymore about my queerness. Haven't really come out to my family, but they could figure it out by theirselves if they really knew me. I'm sure we all can relate to you somehow! So, don't be afraid to come out if it's not about being gay that bothers you. It's not too late at all. It's easier to come out to a female friend first, which is what I did. I was nervous, but the process of coming out became easier and easier for me. I'm half in the closet myself, but the door is creaking open as every day passes by. I hope that everything works out for you!
LOL! Worthy must have read some of my posts! Because I AM one of those guys that is married with two children and only now at 36 coming to the realization that I am gay. So from where I sit, you're getting around to this 10 years earlier than I am! You're LUCKY! (as much as you might not feel like you are at the present.) I could also relate to many of the things you said in your post - I had just written this morning in response to someone else the same thought about friends reactions - not that they'll be freaked out about you being gay, but that you hadn't told them sooner. I have to believe that they'll also understand that as well, once you've had the opportunity to share with them a bit of your journey... I'll also admit that I hadn't 'been' with anyone either at the age of 25 or so - men or women. Only I didn't realize why! I didn't see myself as gay, but I hadn't ever developed a serious relationship with a woman. Then I was 'set up' with my wife to be, and she essentially took the lead, and I went with the flow because that's always what I thought I would do - get married, have kids, etc. But I wasn't happy - and didn't know why. This unhappiness lead me to suffer through depression and eventually act out sexually with men (without going into details) in a really unhealthy and negative way. I haven't told friends and family either. My wife is now aware, as is my therapist. I think moving and separation from my wife is enough to deal with at the present time, but I'll also have to come to terms with sharing my 'news' with friends and family. I would also agree that having a gay friend to talk to would be really helpful. I've found it to be. Where did I find a gay friend without coming out? I posted an ad on Craigslist in the 'strictly platonic m4m' section. It worked for me - I got several really positive and supportive responses, and I'm chatting online or talking on the phone with 2 or 3 of them now. It helps. Good luck. Let me know if you want to chat more. This was an equally long post - but I hope it helps. Jim
Thanks for the comments everyone. It’s been really great hopping online and seeing people responding to my post. And I feel much better now than I did a week ago, knowing there are other people who get it. I guess until I had posted this, I hadn’t fully accepted my sexuality for myself. In reality I’d known for a long time, but I hadn’t acknowledged it (isn’t it funny how we think we can actually fool ourselves). A week later, even though I haven’t told anyone in the real world (yes, I know you all are actually real people), I feel more like me than I have in a very long time. :icon_bigg Thanks.
