So before you read this there are two things you must know. I know being gay is genetic and is NOT a choice. Also I am the hypocrite and am extremely disappointed in myself. Well my older sister and I were running together. She asked why I haven't come out to anyone except her. I gave the truthful answer of I'm not ready and it's not really their business anyways. Then she asked about the parents. I do not want to lie, so i tell her the truth. "I don't want to burden them with it." WTF? Why do I feel like this. I know they will love me no matter what, but still. The few reasons I can think of is that may dad will be upset that he wont really "have a son" and I don't want them to worry about me. That said, why are these ideas even in my head. I know my parents have been nothing but supportive, so it definitely didn't come from them. My dad has a saying. "If you wouldn't suggest it to your best friend, you shouldn't suggest it to yourself." (I had really low self-esteem and would sometimes put myself in isolation/not eat. never physical stuff though.) I would never tell any of the gay people i know that the knowledge that they entrusted to me is a burden. In fact, I am really happy that they trusted me with it in the first place. So why can I not shake the feeling that telling my parents will break our relationship. If you need to know, the reason this is prevalent is that I have not had a significant other in 3 years (I'm closeted) and my mom thinks I'm a drug addict or something because of it. mom logic. So thank you for any constructive feedback. I do not mind if you have harsh things to say to me because i know this is unacceptable thinking.
@BucKeTz - Stop beating yourself up! I know it feels like a setback, but you have done nothing wrong or shameful and I have no harsh words for you. Coming out is not an exact science that has to be ordered in a certain way. There is no right or wrong way to come out and it's a journey with highs and lows. Along that journey you will have setbacks, near attempts at coming out and all manner of other things. It's part of the process though and if you let us in on it we'll try to help you out and give you support (not harsh words!). At the moment you are in that place where so many of us have been, the place of "what if's". You kind of know how your parents will react, but "what if" they don't? It's the "what if's" that keep us behind the closet door. Not a good place to be and it does have a detrimental effect on self esteem. I'm sorry you are finding it so hard, but I can empathise. Bit concerned that your Mom has concluded you have a drug problem, or something quite serious, but I've been there too. I know it will be super hard for you, but might it be worth giving that closet door a good kick now to allay those concerns? When I came out to my parents why Dad cried (with relief) that I wasn't 'fessing up to an addiction. Mad logic isn't it?... but I think it demonstrates that there are worse things you can tell most reasonable minded parents. Good that your Sister is on side - I really hope you will be able to find a way of telling your parents.
My daughter and I are close. We are practically conjoined twins close. After she came out to me she cried in relief. She said it had stressed her and worried her that I wouldn't accept her. I have never NOT accepted anything about her but it was still a big enough, important enough thing to make her fear that I would change how I felt about her. Coming out is HUGE. You are opening yourself up to people and risking being hurt by their reactions. Even when you are close to people and think you know they will be loving and supportive you are still taking a risk so of course you are going to have misgivings about doing it. If it is huge to you, might it not then be huge to them? If you stress over it, might they not then stress? Don't beat yourself up for worrying. Do be thankful that your sister is supportive. Do really, really think of all the other things in life that your parents have been kind, loving, supporting and accepting of. Give yourself permission to be nervous. Give yourself permission to wait for your own time. One of the things you said was (dad will be upset that he wont really "have a son") Your father will still have a son. He will have gained the knowledge that his son can come to him and share important things with him. Your mother will be assured that you are not an addict. If you are as sure of their support and acceptance as you seem to be then you will benefit as well. You will have the stress of worrying over if/how/when to tell them gone. Good luck to you.
I don't see much wrong here. If anything, it shows that you care about their well being/feelings. And I agree with the quote your dad said, but your parents are not your best friends, nor friends-just parents.
Oh BucKeTz, It's not unacceptable! It's really normal. You're pretty sure that they'll be accepting, so that's not the problem. You think your dad will be disappointed that he doesn't really have a "son?" He'll still have a son, it'll just be a gay son! The more likely dilemmas are, first, that they'll worry that you won't have children of your own. But there are many ways around that dilemma. The second is that your life may be harder because you're gay, because there is still prejudice in the world. And they'll want to help. If they are accepting, all they'll want is to help make your path in life easier. That's what all loving parents want for their children. And they don't see it as a burden or a duty or an unwanted responsibility. They see it as a purpose in their lives. All that said, we all come out in our own time. No two situations are the same. So tell them when you're ready, and not before. Reassure your mom that you're not doing drugs. Offer to take a drug test if they don't believe you. Ease her mind if you can. See a therapist for a bit to get a better handle on things. It. Will. Be. Alright. (*hug*)
Your thinking is not unacceptable at all! My parents have been supportive but it took awhile for them to process everything (I came out to them as bi last fall and as gay a couple months ago). Here's some things that I told them that may help you, as best as I can remember them. But tell them to yourself first because it's most important that you believe them yourself. I know my mom was worried about me drinking and being risky and promiscuous. I basically told her "Yes there are gay people who do drugs and have risky, unsafe sex. But it's not in my character to do anything like that. If I was going to have a lot of drunken promiscuous sex I would've done that in college, but I didn't because that's not who I am." During a conversation with my dad, I said "Everything you've taught me about being a man was not in vain at all. Working hard, being honest, providing for your family, making your spouse feel loved and appreciated and protected...all of that is so important and true for me no matter what gender person I end up with." And in response to their being worried: "I know you're worried about me. That's your job. But I'm comfortable enough with who I am that I feel ready and willing to share it with you. That tells you how ok I am with it." I hope this helps. It's hard when you feel like you're going to disappoint or worry your parents. You're not being unreasonable at all.
Like everything you had to say to your parents there, really helpful stuff for anyone else going through the coming out process.
