1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Finding it harder to come out as an ONLY child

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by ScentedRegrets, Jul 19, 2008.

  1. ScentedRegrets

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 7, 2008
    Messages:
    117
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York City
    Hi all,

    I really want to try to make this much shorter than my usual post. I am having a very hard time coming to terms with how to break the news to my parents about my sexuality. I am an only child and I am finding that there are a few things that is making this especially difficult.

    First, I do not have any siblings to relate to or go to for support. I have a few cousins that I could talk to, but they are pretty distant. I really wish I had a sibling living under the same roof to help this along.

    Second, my parents have been talking quite a bit about what they are going to leave for me once they pass on. They are thinking about buying a very small cabin in upstate New York, where there is a lake and deep woods. Nothing fancy, really a three room house (kitchen, bedroom, and den). They have mentioned at least four times this past week alone that "this is going to be wonderful, you are going to take your kids to this house some day." And inside, I just want to scream out "I am not going to have kids, I am going to have a boyfriend!"

    This is so incredibly difficult. I have the impression that I am going to shatter my mother's well-being. She is the type of mother who would do anything for me, and actually means it. She always says she wants me to be happy if nothing else. I do not want to destroy her, or put her through these tough times. About two years ago, we were having a conversation and she admitted that she suspected that I was gay. But I told her I was not, and I do not know - is this wishful thinking (that my kids will go to this house), or is it her trying to bring me out of the closet? I've never had a girlfriend, and I have recently noticed that I do carry myself a bit differently than most other guys my age did. And reflecting back on high school and college, even more so. Not feminine like acting, but just different - laughing differently, different interests, etc.

    I am not really too concerned about my father - I know that coming out to him will disappoint him very much, but it is not like things aren't already awkward around us to begin with. He was distant in my upbringing for 23 years so far, what's another 23 years of distance?

    My real concern is my mother. Every time I come to tell myself that "this is the weekend I tell them" I just get these feelings like I am really letting them down. And something tells me that either my mother already suspects it, or I will tear her apart with the news. And I just can't for the life of me figure it out.

    Ahhhhhhh I just want to scream!!!!!!
     
  2. Alexander

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2007
    Messages:
    176
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Red Hook NY
    (*hug*) I can relate. :frowning2:

    I've always been the model child in the family so I'm wary of telling my parents because I don't want to let them down, and I know they will feel that way.

    Do you have any close friends you can talk to? You need to talk about this with someone you trust. (There's always EC as well :grin:)

    If your mom is the type of mom who wants you to be happy above all else, she might be disappointed at first, but she will accept you in the end.

    I can't offer you much more than that but my support :slight_smile: good luck.
     
  3. Davo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 14, 2007
    Messages:
    454
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Scotland
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm sorry that you feel you're in a bad situation. I can't really relate because I'm not an only child, far from it, but I can empathize with what you're going through. All you really can do is plan what to say on that dreaded day where you come out to your parents. If your mother is torn apart by the news, you just have to explain that this is who you are and you can't go against that just for the sake of having children.

    From what you've said I doubt this will be the case. She sounds like a very loving mother, she wants you to be happy. The fact that she's questioned you on your sexuality before suggests that at one point she was preparing for you to come out, so I don't think you telling her will shatter her world. Good luck anyway
     
  4. DylanBoy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2008
    Messages:
    17
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York
    Gender:
    Male
    hey, so the grass is always greener. i just came out to my parents this week, but i asked them to keep it a secret because i can't imagine breaking the news to my brothers. but i will soon - my parents took it surprisingly well and convinced me that from their point of view, i'm the only one in my family who has a problem with accepting who i am.

    i think that if your mom admitted to you that she's wondered if you're gay before, she's had time to think it through and will be quicker to come to terms with it than she would be if she were in denial. and her comments about kids are probably more giving you the benefit of the doubt than wishful thinking or pushing you out of the closet. (imagine if you were straight and your parents told you they didn't think you'd have kids bc they thought you were gay --> therapy!).

    also, she may accept that you're gay and think that you're going to have kids still through a surrogate or adoption. hope this helps!
     
  5. Helen

    Helen Guest

    I can sort of relate, I only have a little brother who doesn't really understand the whole concept of different sexualities yet, so I *was* pretty much on my own when I came out to my mum. I agree with DylanBoy, your mum will have had time to already think it through, if she already suspected it before.

    You say that all she wants is for you to be happy. Just make sure that you assure her that you *will* be happy once you've come out. Also, it shouldn't shatter her dreams of grandchildren like it used to, because of surrogates and adoptions, like DylanBoy also said, so yeah, I think it should be okay. She doesn't seem like one of those mothers who's trying to make you into her perfect idea of a son; those ones are far more difficult to come out to.

    I hope everything goes well for you. Good luck! ^_^
     
  6. ScentedRegrets

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 7, 2008
    Messages:
    117
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York City
    Aww, thanks! I do have my two best friends, who I am fully out to, and we have already discussed this. Their stance is that I don't have to tell them if I don't want to - it is my choice. One even hinted to me that he thought I was going to ask him to be the one to tell them for me. Believe me, that would be a last resort. This is my responsibility, not his, and I don't want to put him in that spot.

    I think I am trying to pull everyone's general consensus together and see when and how I should tell them. Man, this is sooooooo tough! :bang: Thanks again!
     
  7. ScentedRegrets

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 7, 2008
    Messages:
    117
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York City
    First of all, thanks for replying to me :icon_bigg

    My mother is the very loving type, which in my opinion is why this is harder on me. I know that she will accept what I tell her, and love me for who I am. But I just feel that I will be letting her down, and I feel that some part of her will be destroyed. She tried so hard to have more kids, and she really wants her grandchildren. I know adoption and surrogacy, but that was not what she had in mind. Not to mention, my father's response to that would be "sure, screw up the life of another kid."

    I don't really care about letting my father down - 23 years without a real father figure, what's another 23 years the same way - plus, I turned out just fine - good job, a handful of good friends, and a *somewhat* happy life. I am just really concerned about destroying a part of my mother, the person who raised me and dedicated everything to me.
     
  8. ScentedRegrets

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 7, 2008
    Messages:
    117
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York City
    Congrats! Good work - in the case of my two best friends, the grass WAS much, much greener once I told them the truth!

    Good point. I think she will come to terms with it quite quickly. But that honestly doesn't change the fact that I think that a small part of her will be destroyed by the news. I am just sooo worried that I am going to shatter a part of the woman who has dedicated everything to her only child, me. I don't really care about doing that to my father - was never there for 23 years so what is another 23 years after the revelation. But I genuinely care about the well being and happiness of my mother.

    LOL :lol:
     
  9. ScentedRegrets

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 7, 2008
    Messages:
    117
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York City
    First off, thanks :icon_bigg

    I think my mother will be okay with it. I just feel that this will really hurt her for a while. As far as her trying to make me into the perfect son, you're absolutely right. She genuinely wants me to be happy, and she tries very hard not to be controlling. But subconsciously, she can be very controlling. Like six years ago (lol) when we were looking at colleges, she really fell in love with my second choice college. She literally convinced me, very creatively, that her choice was the right one.

    I really do care about her, and I just don't want to hurt her. The way I see it, either I hurt her by crushing a part of her dreams for the future, or I hurt myself by continuing to live a lie and be destined to be single until I move out or to live a completely secret life once I do move out and find a boyfriend.

    Jeez. I need to go out and clear my head. I was thinking of going to the library, but I think I am going to go find a new pair of jeans.
     
  10. Miles D

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2008
    Messages:
    786
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    San Diego, CA ⇒ Great Barrington, MA
    I can relate, because I am the only daughter, mommy and daddy's little girl, but I'm transgender and want to transition to male. Once they find out they have two sons, I worry they'll freak.

    But just because you are gay doesn't mean you won't have kids, and even if you were straight, some people just don't want kids. You are your own person and can choose whether or not to have kids or not.

    I think you should tell your mom that you don't want kids (if you really don't) before you tell her you are gay, or when you tell her you are gay then tell her you want kids (if you do). Because the two (sexuality and children) don't necessarily go hand-in-hand.

    But your first priority needs to be YOU and your needs, not her, no matter how much she loves you and you love her. Don't go crazy worrying about her possible reactions.

    Good luck =]
    -Miles
     
  11. Trumpetplyer23

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2008
    Messages:
    533
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    O-H-I-O!
    I'm an only child. My parents' relationship has always been rocky. My mom always tells me "Don't become depenedent on no man, not on anyone. Make sure you can take care of you". She always talked to me about marriage and stuff. Quite frankly, even if I can get married (fall in love with a dude or same-sex marriage becomes legal), I don't even know if I want to get married. It just seems so fake to me, I don't know why.

    I know for sure I don't want kids, but my mom keeps saying "don't have sex until you're ready and make damn sure you don't get pregnant". I'm not even thinking about having sex right now. I'm certainly not thinking about kids. I'm 14 (I'll be 15 next month) and we have talks about sex daily.

    So, advice, here it comes. Your parents will love you no matter what (usually), you're their son. If you think they'll be fine with it, then that's good.

    Plus, when you become partnered, and you want kids, you could adopt, choose a surrogate mother, etc. There are ways of having little brats, I mean kids, not just the conventional way.
     
  12. beckyg

    beckyg Guest

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2007
    Messages:
    6,656
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    Middle of Oregon
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Sometimes you have to go through something tough to get to the other side. I bet you would find it hard to find a PFLAG mom who would wish their child straight because we have so much FUN having gay children! Our lives are more enriched and more satisfying because we have gay children. So my suggestion would be to tell your mom about PFLAG! It will not only help her cope and get through those stages of grief but it will also help her to see the gifts of having a gay child.
     
  13. Jim1454

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2007
    Messages:
    7,284
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Toronto
    As I see it, you have a distant relationship with your dad, and you're going to drift away from your mom too over time if you keep this from her. You're feeling uncomfortable already - and that's only going to get worse.

    The fact is, you're gay. You're unlikely to have children of your own. That isn't going to change, no matter when you tell her. While she isn't going to be happy / over joyed - it is a part of her reality that she is going to find out about sooner or later. So... for the sake of your relationship with her, it sounds like you're ready to be honest with her.

    I'm guessing it will bring you closer together than ever. Good luck.
     
  14. ccdd

    ccdd Guest

    I think that a lot people - whether they think their parents will be supportive or not - worry about disappointing their parents, and shattering their dreams. I am a similar age to you, and whilst I think that my parents will accept me, I worry that inside they will be upset and disappointed, and will have to work hard to keep on a happy face for me. This isn't about me worrying about how they'll react in front of me, but me worried about how they'll feel inside, and the effort I feel that they will make to put on a facade that all is ok.

    I think that this is maybe where you are with your mum? You clearly love your mum very much, and it sounds as though she loves you too, and would accept you, but that you're worried that you might really upset and crush her, however outwardly accepting she might be.

    But what I would say is, similar to Becky, is that sometimes you have to go through something tough to get to the other side. I am all for waiting until you feel ready - don't ever come out unless you feel ready - but essentially you have two choices:

    - to come out
    - to never come out

    And do you know what? Aside from forcing yourself to live with a woman, the only one that offers grandchildren at all is the first.

    And the thing is, in a way, if you think that your mum might be really upset and shattered, the sooner you come out the sooner the healing can begin. That is something to ponder, even though I think you should always wait until you feel ready. It is definately something that I have begun to think about - that as a family we can't begin to deal with the issue until I come out. And I think that it is the same with you: whilst coming out might be terribly, terribly painful, it is only then that your mum will be able to mourn, and from there, to heal.

    From the sounds of it, I think that your mum might have an idea that you might be gay. I too have in the past been asked and denied that I'm gay. The fact that she has asked you shows that it has crossed her mind, and the fact that you have not had a girlfriend will not have escaped her notice. Her comments on children may in part be prompted by her wanting you to contradict you, and say that you probably won't be having children. Although obviously, you know to what she might think best. But what I mean is, it is clearly something she has considered, even if she does wish she could have grandchildren.

    And children are possible when you are gay - and even though you say that adoption and surrugacy isn't what your mum means by grandchildren (which I think is a common feeling), once you come out to her she will be able to begin to mourn the naturally-conceived grandchildren that she has dreamed of. Infertile people who adopt, for instance, often have to grieve their never-conceived natural children before they can even consider the idea of adoption, but your mother can't grieve these grandchildren until she is made aware that they are not a possibility.

    I don't know whether you ever want children yourself, but essentially, either you will not have any relationship or children in her lifetime, in which case she does not get the grandchildren she wants, or she is given time to grieve and eventually you are both (and your then-partner) are in a position to consider alternatives, should you wish to.

    What I am trying to say is that ultimately you should not come out to your mum unless you are ready, but that is sounds like she could suspect. In any case, she could still grieve a lot (even if she accepts you totally), which will be painful for you both - but this will hopefully be overcome in time. And although you feel you don't want to upset her, the fact is that you cannot offer her what she wants (if you are right in believing that she wants natural grandchildren), and she can only begin to grieve this once you come out to her.

    It sounds as though she wants your happiness above everything, and although it could be very horrible and painful, by not coming out you are letting her live in an illusion that only you know will never be a reality. But by coming out you shatter her illusion - which might be terribly painful - but enable her to build one upon a future that is possible.

    I know that it's a really difficult situation (and I am sitting here thinking that I should take my own advice!), but when you are ready to come out, try not to think of the immediate unhappiness that she may feel (which might not, in fact, materialise), but try to focus upon how you can rebuild your lives afterwards.

    I hope this helps somewhat, and welcome to EC :slight_smile: