I don't have anyone to discuss this with, and I think I need a community where I can be open about all of this. My history: I was raised in a conservative Christian family. Homosexuality is considered a phase to be prayed through, a sin to act on, and described as the devil moving in. Nothing new to some of you, I'm sure. I knew that I was attracted to women starting in about junior high. But I was (and am) still physically attracted to men, so it was pretty confusing for me. In any case, I never said a word about it! I was married to a man at 20 years old, and thought none of that mattered at that point. I would just be hetero then, right? Of course not. I still felt a lot of conflict about my orientation and felt I needed to come out as bisexual to my husband. He was shocked but very accepting. However, he knows that I am more attracted to women than men and he gets very jealous of that. 7 years later and I'm still struggling quite a bit with my identity. We have 3 kids at this point, and I love my husband very much. But I don't feel bisexual. I identify as a lesbian in my head. I couldn't quite figure out why bisexual didn't seem right to me, because I still find some men physically & emotionally attractive (certainly less often than women). My husband is included in that. It finally clicked for me just yesterday that I am NOT, however, sexually attracted to men. In any way. I'm am absolutely attracted to my husband, but not sexually. I don't even know if I could describe how I've been making love to someone under these circumstances, but we have. In any case, the only people that I am attracted to in every way are women. I don't know what to do now. I wish that I could let the sexual attraction thing go. There is SO much more to a relationship than that....and we have a decent relationship in other aspects. I feel very shallow, but it's really eating me up inside. Part of it, I believe, can be attributed to his views on sexuality. He has very conservative ideas. He is very against fantasizing, and even masturbation which seems very archaic to me. I feel incredibly guilty when I have a sexual thought involving women because I know he would be upset about it. Unfortunately, my sexual thoughts don't involve men, so every bit of my sexuality causes guilt. He is very liberal in most other ways, but his parents are very sex negative and it rubbed off on him. I love him, and I want to be with him. At the same time, I have fantasized about starting over after a divorce and living in the open.....on a recurring basis since we first got married. I feel horrible about that. I feel like I'm leading him on at times. I want to be who I am, but am afraid that it can't happen in a marriage. At least not in my marriage. Even if I do come out, and attempt to be open but stay with him, how do you tell someone that you've been making love to for almost a decade that you aren't sexually attracted to them? It didn't devalue the "making love" in my mind. But I would be devastated to hear it myself, so I don't think I could do that to him. Do I stay quiet and keep truckin? I feel as if being in an opposite-sex relationship pushes my self esteem extremely low. I don't feel like "me" if that makes any sense. That doesn't seem like a good reason to hurt someone I love though. If dealing with it silently spares him the hurt, that has to be the right thing to do, no? TIA
Hello valerie, welcome to EC. Thanks for sharing your story. I can relate, I have been with my boyfriend for a long time and only recently am coming to terms with my sexuality. I have known for as long as i can remember that i am only attracted to women, but i kept pushing it to the back of my mind whenever those thoughts surfaced. I recently decided that I'm done trying to fight it and ready to see where it might take me. I came out to a friend first and after talking with her and talking here i worked up the courage to have the conversation with my boyfriend. Now he knows how i have been feeling and we talk much more openly. You and your husband need to have a real talk. This is something that has been causing you internal conflict for a long time, sounds like you are getting closer to being ready to deal with it. If you do talk to him about it just make sure he knows how much you love him and how difficult this has been keeping a secret over the years. Take your time though, don't rush things. Keep talking here too, this place is awesome. I know all about the guilt, makes it difficult to enjoy anything. Even though i am only sexually attracted to women my boyfriend and i do have pretty good sex, but i just feel like it would be more fulfilling with a woman. I usually feel like something is missing from it and the attraction is what's missing.
I feel like I'm reading my own story here (minus the kids). I was in a hetero relationship/marriage for almost 10 years before I finally got up enough courage to tell him how I felt. It was an awful time... I really feel for what you're going through. Guilt can very easily eat you up inside, it's so toxic. I felt like the parts of me that made me "me" were slowly dying because I was pretending to be something I knew I could no longer pretend to be. Denial can only get you so far, you can't lie to yourself forever. I know you said you are afraid of hurting him but the bottom line is, you have to be happy too. You can't put your own happiness aside for the sake of not hurting someone else. Life is just too short for that. If he loves you he would want you to be happy and fulfilled too, even if it means you aren't with him anymore. You are right that sex isn't everything. But it sounds like his conservative views would make it difficult for you to even explore anything "non-traditional" while you are still with him. My ex-husband tried to give me a little space to explore possible experiences with a woman but I knew it would never have worked. He didn't understand that I didn't want the male fantasy version of two women together... I just wanted to be with a woman, full stop. Some couples can make it work, but there has to be a lot of openness and lots of honest communication about expectations, etc. I wish I could tell you what to do, but only you know your relationship with your husband and what you are/aren't willing to do at this point. But if you continue to keep it all to yourself your relationship will start to suffer anyway, whether you want it to or not. I'm glad you found EC and hope you continue to post. There are a lot of supportive people on here and many of them can related to what you are going through. (*hug*)
Thank you for the insights. It's ironic, because those are things I've said to people in the past, and in my own situation I can't seem to see the forest for the trees. That is going to be a really hard thing to get myself to accept. I'm sure I'll stick around here because I know this won't be a quick process. Thank you again, so much. It's so helpful just to know I have a place that I don't have to lie by ommision.
This might be too personal of a question, but what is the difference between being physically and sexually attracted to your husband? How do you know you're not sexually attracted to men? I'm just wondering because I'm trying to figure out stuff regarding my attractions and our situations have some similarities. Maybe if you're not comfortable posting it you could message me?
I don't mind answering at all. It's probably hard to describe though. For me, on a man, I have only ever been attracted to 3 things. First, I am attracted to beautiful eyes and certain styles of dress/grooming (both of which can apply to men and women). The ONLY attribute that I find attractive exclusively to men are muscular arms. The rest of a man's body has never been attractive to me in any sense. Shirtless men? I've never understood it. On the other hand, when I am attracted to a woman, I don't think there is any part of a woman's face or body that I don't notice. That is the physical attractive part. So, already, I am more physically attracted to women, without sexual feelings. As for the sexual attraction....I can think of those 3 attributes on a man I find attractive all day long and never feel a sexual attraction to him. It does not turn me on. So while I notice it, and even find it attractive, it doesn't go further than that. I can think that his arms are sexy in the colloquial sense, but not to the point that I would want to have sex with him. Does that make any sense? On a woman I'm attracted to, there are PLENTY of things that turn me on and would make me want to be with her in that way. Also, I cannot think of a single time I have imagined a man in a sexual thought. If I find myself fantasizing, it has always been about women, for as long as I can remember. Just in the past couple of days, I've tried to force myself to think of a man in a sexual way and as a turn on and I can't do it. Not even with my husband. When we do have sex, I can get turned on enough just because I am being touched, but I can't fantasize about him and be turned on, does that make sense?
Hey Valerie....after reading your story, so many of the things you said resonated with me. I have been with my husband for almost 10 years and we have two children together. While I have always fantasized about being with women, I simply brushed it off as normal curiosity that a lot of women have. My marriage was good, but I always felt so unfulfilled. It was just one of those things that I couldn't put my finger on. I knew *something* was missing from my life, but I just couldn't tell you what. I used to get so angry at myself because I would think, "Here I am, I have this man who is a great husband and father, he's attractive, he's intelligent, he has a great job. We have a beautiful home, two beautiful kids; essentially, the perfect life. So why am I still so unhappy and discontent?" I know women who would kill to have the life I have. And it made me feel so ungrateful and guilty. Sex was a huge issue with us. Like I've said, my husband is a very attractive man, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with the way he performs in bed. But I could never, EVER get excited to have sex with him. Sex was a chore and hardly ever enjoyable for me. But truly and honestly, being gay was something that had never, ever crossed my mind. Not even remotely. So with all of this background, you can imagine how blind-sided I was when I met a lesbian at my new job and ended up falling head over heels in love with her. Long story short, we ended up having an affair (not one of my smarter judgment calls), and my husband found out. My world has basically been torn upside down since then. I feel, without a doubt, that I am a lesbian (M always said I was). And honestly, it explains SO much in my life. Some of the things you said, about being physically attracted to men, but not sexually attracted to them, makes so much sense to me and I understand exactly what you're saying. I, too, have tried and tried and tried to enjoy sex with my husband....and I simply can't do it. I always thought it was because I just had a low sex drive, or that it was normal for women to feel that way about sex. But once I met M, it was literally mind-blowing and I was like, "What the hell have I been doing my whole life?" Right now though, I am really struggling. I don't want to go through a divorce...and I know my husband doesn't either. We have been in marriage counseling since October, and while it has helped our relationship in some ways, we had never really addressed the big elephant in the room that was my sexuality. I honestly think he thought that if we just ignored it, that it would go away. He has made it very clear to me that he will never be okay with me going outside the marriage or being intimate with someone else (my affair essentially ruined any chance at an open marriage). I feel so trapped. I don't want to break up my family for what I feel (and other people will surely think) are selfish reasons. It's certainly not about just sex....M and I had such an emotional and physical connection....it was like nothing I had ever experienced with a man. But the thought of living the rest of my life and being completely unsatisfied and unfulfilled literally makes me bawl my eyes out. It nauseates me. I am terrified....absolutely petrified, of giving up my nice, cozy, heteronormal life. I am so worried that if I leave my husband, that I will truly regret it. But I also cannot continue to feel the internal struggle that I feel about wanting to be with a woman. Okay, so I know that I've rambled a bit. But I just wanted to let you know that you are certainly not alone in your feelings. If you ever want to chat, feel free to hit me up. I literally have no one to talk to about this, which has been really hard for me. So it would be nice to talk to some women who understand what I'm going through. Take care.
