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How to lower the protective shields?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by a1rborne, Mar 25, 2014.

  1. a1rborne

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    Hi there! In some of my other posts you could read that my coming out last year went very fine. Despite of coming out to a large number of friends (>40!), I did not get a single negative reaction. So my extreme fear of loosing family and friends was totally in vain. Coming out was important for my mental hygiene, my self-confidence and my well-being. It was a very positive experience for me. So far, so good. But...

    In my mid teenage years I gained quite a bit of experience with two neighbour boys. But, after realising what society thought of gay people, I lost my courage and went into the closet. I started to suppress my being gay. I thought that I would just have to fall in love with the "right" girl in order to make these feelings go away. Of course, the "right" girl never came (the right boy neither :icon_sad:slight_smile:. Because I felt so vulnerable, I started to raise massive mental "protective shields". I didn't let anyone get close to met - I maintained a virtual safety clearance all around me. And up to the present day I kept these shields up.

    Now that I came out to myself, to my family and all my friends last year, I feel that this shield is hindering me from being open to easily get to know new gay friends, from having affairs and worst of all from finding a boyfriend. :icon_sad: :bang:

    Before coming out, did you also raise a "protective shield"? If yes, how did you manage to lower it again and open yourself for new experiences? Do you have any tips and tricks for me? Many thanks and (*hug*)
     
  2. FrenchKid98

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    Hey :smilewave
    I cannot really give you any tips on how to get rid of this mental protection but at least I can tell you you are not alone (*hug*)

    I'm younger than you and I only came out to one friend and trying to come out to another but I also have this mental "shield" that you are describing. I am not shy at all with people I trust but if I am not in my comfort zone I feel like everyone is judging me and am very self concious and scared of what people think of me. With this mental shield I created like an outside world behavior that I adopt every time I'm not in my comfort zone and it is making me very stressed and axious as this shield activates my fight or flight adrenaline response very often and way too much.

    Sorry I couldn't give you tips but now you know you're not alone :slight_smile:

    (&&&)
     
  3. StillAround

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    You're definitely not alone... How about LGBT support or social groups? They're a good way to meet people socially. Eventually, the shields may lower all by themselves.

    And there's always the option of counseling... (*hug*)
     
  4. a1rborne

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    Haa! A bit more than a month ago I really felt lonesome and desperate to open up and lower my shields. And then, only about two weeks later, I kissed a guy for the first time in nearly 20 years. And then, another two weeks later, it happened again and now I really have butterflies in my stomach (!)
    I think I took a big step forward. During the last year I opened up quite a bit to my family and friends. And recently I tried to be even more open, talked to them about my innermost feelings, fears and hopes, and was rewarded with incredible and very intimate discussions. I'm very happy at the moment, but there is still some headroom :lol:. Brené Brown is really right with her theory on vulnerability.
     
  5. GreenMan

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    That's awesome. :grin: