I don't like people too much. I grew up with no friends, they never accepted me. Perhaps because I was (and still) a nerd, or because I was never outgoing. Regardless, I now feel a deep loneliness. I know that I am gay, and it has been killing me for months. Part of me wants to embrace this, but the other part tells me it isn't right. I just want some peace...
Hi I'm really sorry that you are feeling lonely. I know how that feels as I have spent a lot of my life feeling that way as well. I know it can be very hard to like people especially when a lot of them give you a lot of reasons not too. The main thing you need to know is that yes, a lot of people are jerks but there are also some really awesome people out there. You say that you are a nerd. I do not know what your particular definition of a nerd is but most "nerds" that I have ever met have been into some pretty awesome things. What are you interested in? Are you a computer person? Into comics? Gaming? What is it that you enjoy and why do you define yourself as a nerd? Don't worry about the people who do not accept you for who you are or what you like. Find other people who share your interests and can appreciate your enthusiasm for whatever it is. As for being gay, admittedly this is not an issue I have personally had to deal with. However my daughter is bi and she has been handling everything very well. Her view on it is that the people who have problems with her being herself are not people she needs in her life anyway. The people who love and accept her for being herself are. I don't know your home life situation so I can't say "just openly be yourself" without knowing if it would cause problems with your family. I do think that you should learn to love and accept yourself, gay, nerd, or whatever else you feel yourself to be, and embrace yourself as being just fine as you are. No one else should dictate the things you are interested in or the people you are attracted to or love. Those are all very personal things and you are the only one who you have to answer to on them. "..I know that I am gay, and it has been killing me for months..." Why? You are who you are, that is a beautiful and perfectly normal thing. "...Part of me wants to embrace this, but the other part tells me it isn't right..." There is nothing wrong with being gay. There is something wrong with denying yourself peace and happiness for something that is not your choice. "...I just want some peace..." Accept yourself. Love yourself. Respect yourself. One of the biggest steps towards a happy life is to stop being your own enemy. Stop fighting your happiness. Enjoy what you enjoy. Love what/who you love. Be your own best friend instead of your own worst enemy. Hang in there. It does get easier.
Loneliness is a painful feeling that eats away at us and can drag us down into a really low place, so you've done the right thing by saying how you feel. It's only a start, but it's a positive start. When we are young, it can be difficult to make friends. If you are not seen as one of the 'in crowd' you can find yourself isolated from people, and without that regular human contact and experience of building and developing relationships you can find yourself in a bit of a cycle that gets harder and harder to break. Is that how it feels for you? Coming out as gay is a process with no time limits, so don't be too hard on yourself right now. At 15, it might not even be the right time. Self acceptance is the first wall to cross in the coming out process and with you saying it's "been killing you for months" you might have a bit of a journey ahead of you. Again, you've done a positive thing by joining this forum as there are people on here at different stages of the process who share the same/similar fears to you. It's a good place to reach out for support and try to make friends. I've been amazed by the amount of positivity on here, so don't undervalue online contact and join in where you can.
Love the Majora's Mask shout out in your sig, btw. Great to know that you kids are still into it. Look, the first few months of coming out to yourself can really suck hard, at least in my experience. Combine that with your friends situation, and it's no wonder you're feeling lonely and disheartened. At your age, not only is everybody (including you) prone to blow everything out of proportion, but also many are just in a really annoying phase. It can be difficult to make friends at fifteen, for sure. I would try to join youth clubs outside of school for people with common interests. It's what I never did when I was your age, and I really regret it, since I missed opportunities. It helps to be proactive, but I know that's much easier said than done :icon_wink.
