Okay, here I am, post numero uno (I'm seriously so good at spanish...lol) I don't feel like my story is inherently much different from many other peoples'. Like others, I knew from the second that puberty began that I was different from my peers. I was constantly interested in guys in my class and around me, and only had a very small passing interest in females. Growing up, I excused it as "hormones" or "just a phase" and ignored it all the way through high school. Later in high school I would convince myself that I was just "picky" with girls, and was only ogling over dudes because I wanted to "look like them". By my senior year of high school I had quietly accepted in the back of my mind that I was bisexual but would simply repress the gay part, and embrace the straight part head on. That being said, I didn't really let myself think about it much. I just repressed it at every opportunity and lived my life out as a straight man (albeit one who had never had any sort of physical / romantic encounter with a female...ever..) This year has been my second year of college and I have finally began the coming out process. I originally came out as bisexual, but I've kinda rejected that label due to the fact that I have been physically attracted to maybe like two girls ever, and I don't think i could ever have a romantic emotional bond with any. I have an incredibly supportive group of friends who stand by me no matter how I identify. I am so grateful for this. I have had the opportunity to go to gay parties and meet people and have a good time. But despite all of this...I don't feel "confident" or "secure" in my sexual identity. Guys will hit on me while I'm at a party and I will be flattered at the moment, but I have trouble seeing myself dating any of them. If they contact me outside of a party, my first thoughts are how to get away. I fantasize about a relationship, but I don't know if I will ever be "comfortable" enough with myself to really try dating people. I know a few LGBTQ people who seem to have come out of the closet and been able to really "seize the day" and embrace their new life with relatively little...inner turmoil. I seem unable to consistently have confidence in the fact that I am attracted to the same gender. I don't know how everyone else's experiences have gone, and whether you might have some advise to shed. Sorry for totally just vomitting text on this forum (in my first post no, less) but I truly appreciate anybody who read this mess
What it seems to me, is that you aren't comfortable with who you are, on the inside. This is a common ailment, due to the social Stigma of falling under the LGBT banner some people take longer then others to accept the fact that "Hey I love guys" or "I don't feel comfortable as a guy" so as a self-fulfilling prophylactic you push these homosexual relations away, not by your fault, but by Societies Stigmatic wiring of it. My advice to you would be... maybe look at yourself in the mirror, and start saying "I'm gay, and it's ok!" or "I am a guy who Likes guys!" or anything that makes you feel comfortable with being attracted to the same sex. I know it sounds lame or w/e but it should do the trick... keep doing it until you feel comfortable enough to shout it to the world!
I never experienced turmoil with my sexuality, but I do hold vast amounts of apprehension and insecurity when it comes to who I am (moreso my appearance than personality). Although I don't feel consistently confident in my skin, there are days when I tell myself: "wow, I don't look half bad!" I'd like to think that small steps mean something. We don't always take giant leaps, or keep a consistent pace-- but as long as we're making progress, whether through tiny footsteps or handprints, that is what matters. Perhaps trying something small each day or week might help. Looking at a gay picture, visiting an LGBT FaceBook page, watching a lesbian film-- anything to expose yourself to the idea of a same-sex couple in the hope that you might grow more comfortable with applying the relationship in the film to your own life. Just a thought, at any rate! Visiting an LGBT center, marching in a pride festival, talking to a gay friend, etc. are also good ways.
I think you hit the nail on the head. I mean, I am comfortable in theory. But when it comes to "putting myself out there" and either expressing my sexuality to those I don't know well, or (god forbid) trying to date, I suddenly lose any comfort or confidence. I guess I have this unrealistic expectation that after seven years of sexual repression I'll have myself totally figured out. I got to parties and get disappointed when there isn't anyone there who I find attractive, and sometimes that causes me to "second guess" my sexuality completely. I know, it's completely stupid. Thanks for responding though, I really appreciate it. *nods* I mean yeah, and I have probably been getting better over time too (but just don't appreciate it). Thank you for sharing your experiences though, it seriously does help to hear that I'm not the only person in the world with problems (of course haha)
