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Coming Out As Bi to Gay Partner

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by straddletheline, Mar 30, 2014.

  1. straddletheline

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    (Sorry for the redundant post, but I posted this in the wrong area before)

    I know there must be people out there like me...

    I've been involved and living with another man in a loving relationship for more than 30 years. We are partners and best friends. Like many couples who have been together for as long as we have, our sex life has dropped off to...well, it's pretty much over...with each other anyways.

    We have a partially open relationship; meaning, we are allowed to have sex with other people if it's only sex. We both know that sex can be only sex. Rarely do we ever talk about it, but it's not a huge issue and nobody get's bent out of shape.

    Now, here's the rub...

    I've been secretly having sex with women since we met. When I first tried to bring up the subject of bisexuality many many years ago, he basically told me that I was afraid to admit that I was gay. He, like many of my gay friends, doesn't believe bisexuals exist. He sees me as strictly gay...period.

    I always hear of stories where someone discovers late in life that their gay, but, for me, I'm now just coming to terms with my bisexuality and the fact that I'm actually more attracted to women than men. What the hell?

    I want to be honest with my partner about how I feel, but it's really uncomfortable. Whenever the subject comes up, like after watching a movie with a bi character, he just thinks they're freaks. He holds onto really negative stereotypes of bisexuals. I want to be free of this secret. I remember when I came out as 'Gay' and how liberating the feeling was. Now I want to tell him that I'm Bi, but I'm deathly afraid.
     
  2. BookDragon

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    Feel free to tell me I'm a complete idiot for this response (or be nice about it, whatever) but here's my perspective.

    You want to tell your partner you're bisexual, and he doesn't think it exists.

    Personally, I consider that to be HIS problem, not yours. If you tell him you are bisexual, just state it as a matter of fact, you have DONE your part. It's up to him what he does with that information.

    Now here is the part I am not sure you will agree with.

    Honestly, you've been in a relationship with this guy for 30 years, and you have been having sex with this woman.

    If your partner doesn't believe bisexuality exists, then he is either going to maintain that you are completely gay or he is going to think you are completely straight.

    He can't really argue that you are completely straight...I mean you are in a 30+ year gay relationship...I mean how much more gay can you realistically get? So I don't think you have much to worry about there.

    Now if he insists you are completely gay...well, he's a bit stupid, but basically fine. At least you know he doesn't think you're going to leave him for this woman. Sex is sex, right?

    I mean you will have told him, really it's his problem if he doesn't believe it, isn't it? Part of me, I guess, just feels like if you try and PROVE that bisexuality exists it just causes problems...
     
  3. straddletheline

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    Maybe I overstated and simplified his beliefs...and, in the end, it's really almost impossible to speak for someone else, so maybe I should have written that part differently.

    I'm afraid he'll think I'm going to leave him...and maybe there is some justifiable fear there as I'm now much more sexually interested in women then men.
     
  4. BookDragon

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    But he satisfies your romantic interests, correct?
     
  5. straddletheline

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    He satisfies some of my romantic interests, but not sexual interests.
     
  6. BookDragon

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    I'm trying to skirt around the question in my head but I guess what I'm getting at is this.

    How much of you concern that he will think you are going to leave him, is based on things YOU think? What I mean by this, is just how confident are you that you're not going to.
     
  7. stocking

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    From reading this I realized that biphobia is a powerful thing