There is a lot to read but I would really appreciate it if you did. My best friend (male 27) has recently revealed to me that he has been depressed and suicidal for the past 11 years. He never killed himself bc he thouht it would hurt his friends and family. Recently he has been doing a lot better bc he's getting in great shape, has a great job, and has a good set of friends. 2 days ago he reached out to me and one other friend saying he is feeling depressed again (not suicidal) and after a lot of emotional searching we couldn't come up with a good reason for it. During and after college myself, his ex girlfriend, his friends, and even strangers suspected he was gay. We knew he came from a strict conservative and Christian family and community and assumed that if he were gay it was just very difficult for him to come out. He did admit once that he disired women but would hookup with a guy if the opportunity presented itself. Anyways his friends and I decided that we would leave the subject alone and let him come out to us when he was ready if he was gay. Now that he is sinking into depression again despite the many positive changes in his life I think that a POSSIBLE cause is his holding onto the secret that he's gay. I know coming out should be done when he is ready but I doubt he will ever be ready on his own and in the meantime he lives in depression. I only have a few gay friends so my experience with this is limited. I am looking for advice on how to hold a conversation with him about revealing his possible homosexuality.
Honestly, what you want to do is going to be incredibly difficult without the risk of ruining your friendship completely... The only 'in' I can think of so to speak...I guess...is this: " He did admit once that he disired women but would hookup with a guy if the opportunity presented itself. " I mean you could potentially ask him if he remembers that and ask him about it and try that way, just no that he probably isn't going to be happy about it. I want you to understand something, from the point of view of someone else with a lifelong history of depression. Admitting there is even a problem in the first place can be hard. I mean it can be damn near impossible to even say "I am depressed", even with a box of pills in your hand. Admitting the true causes of it is much harder. I can tell you now I've never felt hatred as intense as I felt it when people tried to help. Not because I'm a bad person, but because the brain doesn't WANT to be fixed. You automatically cling to all this pain and misery like it's some sort of protective blanket. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate those people now, but it takes a while and I know for a fact I made a handful of people feel really, truly awful when they tried to help. The only reason I mention this is because I want to be honest and prepare you for it. I'm not saying don't help the guy, if he needs help he needs help, all I'm saying is even if the unforgivable is said, don't assume he really means it. Depression makes beasts of us.
Hi My advice would be to strongly let him know that whatever problems he is dealing with you are there for him. Just telling him that could be really helpful. If he is gay; which from what you have said it does really sound like he could be; then he may well be really stuggling to accept it. Believe it or not; coming out to one's self and accepting it is actually often much; much harder and painful than telling anyone else. I didnt come out to anyone until i was 30 and i spent a good number of years in denial; trying to force myself to be straight and every day wishing i was straight; it doesnt work and it makes you incredibly unhappy. If your friend has a family who he is pretty sure would have problems with him telling them he is gay; then this is quite a bad situation and i feel for your friend. I think the key here is to just maybe in private you could say "i relaise you have been feeling really down recently; i have noticed you havent had many relationships with girls over the last few years; i just want you to know that if you are gay; its fine; its not a big deal to me it wont change our relationship and i wont treat you any differently. If you are gay i am 100% here for you to talk to and i will help you through it." ...he may well go on denying he is gay; especially if he is suffering from a lot of self disgust...but just hearing or reading something positive can make a huge difference and it might just help him for when he is eventually ready to talk.. on the other hand if he is 100% not gay the fact that you are so convinced that he might be gay might push him into telling you the real reasons for his depression!!!!! I hope this helps Neo.
There's no easy answer to this. A couple of thoughts; 1. if you do want to help him, perhaps a letter/email would be better than a face-to-face conversation? His immediate reaction may get you nowhere, whereas his considered, thoughtful reply might open him up a bit. 2. Be very careful with language/labels. Try to use the words/phrasing that he is comfortable with. If he has previously mentioned "hooking up with guys" or "same-sex attraction" or something, go with that. Perhaps talk about "maybe not being completely straight." Basically, what I'm saying is to be very careful of "accusing" him of being gay, or expecting him to "admit" it. Even if someone has exclusively same-sex attractions, they can completely deny they are "gay" - they look in the mirror and don't see a "gay" person looking back, therefore they can't be gay. Such is the insane logic of the closet.
Get him together with you and some of your other gay friends. Invite him out for a drink and take him to a gay bar.
This is quite a delicate situation. I would just very discretely, but non-ambiguously, make it clear to him that you support gay people. You could do this, e.g., by starting a discussion about marriage equality and strongly support the cause. The trick here is not to make him feel that you suspect him being gay or confront him directly with the question if he was gay. I myself was in the closet/denying my being gay for a long time. It happened to me several times, especially in my early twenties, that friends directly asked me if I was gay. One of the guys, who did this, has a gay brother, which I knew, so his acceptance would have been for sure. But I was not ready, I became very defensive and felt cornered in these situations. One has to first accept oneself/come out to oneself before being able to admit being gay to others.
