I've been mostly happily married for 14 years. A few years before I met my wife, I fooled around with another guy for about a week. The drama was too much and it ended quickly, but it was the encounter when I finally knew for certain that I was bisexual. Up to that point I'd only had sex with women, but occasionally would find myself interested in men, only unable to admit it. Enter my wife, we've had a great marriage, very stable home life, 2 wonderful kids - and then there's me who keeps having these waves of urges and sudden attraction to certain men. My wife knew about my encounter with another man before we got married, but I thought it was a phase and was happy to finally meet a women that I felt comfortable to be with and attracted to. About 10 years ago - before we had kids, she discovered some gay porn on the computer and confronted me. I pleaded with her to give me another chance, that this is a phase and I can get past it ... and over time she did forgive me, and we eventually move well past that point to a much happier space in our lives. Yet inside, I was still finding waves of desire towards men would rise and fall and just confusing the hell out of me. Anyways, last night we finally had the talk and I admitted I was bisexual and that I'd been thinking of possibly cheating on her with another man. She is hurt, she is confused. We both slept horribly last night. Yet I feel a sort of personal solace that this admission is finally out in the open. I don't know where this is going. Part of me feels so strongly that I just want to save my family and sacrifice anything to do it. Another part of me feels a release that with just saying those words and talking about it openly, I feel that regardless of the outcome, in the end everything will work out the way it should. This is all new to me. I don't join forums or put myself out there like this. But this seems to me like it was the right thing to do - and now we can openly discuss what this means and where do we take this from here. I'm open to any advice anyone can offer who has been in this situation. Nobody else knows about this other than my wife yet. I'm not sure exactly where to take this next other than I want to talk to a counsellor and have us both try to understand more about ourselves and the possible future of our relationship. I don't want to end 14 years of marriage on a whim, but after this much time, my attraction to men isn't going away and I'm not sure what to do next.
Oh wow. I'm not sure how much advice I can give you, but let me just say congrats! It takes a lot to be so honest and I'm so happy to hear that you, well, part of you feels relieved from saying the words out loud. It can definitely be a weight off your shoulders to finally say it, right? I can't say I've been in your position, but I think ultimately, your next step forward would just be more conversations with your wife about what would be best for you, for her, for everyone involved. Again, I can't really compare our situations, but I can say that I recently got out of a long term relationship with a man. One of those reasons for the break up was, well, that I wanted to be with women. There were many other reasons as well, but our situation was very complicated. Life's like that. There's no simple answer for anything, but my former partner and myself spend a while, a couple months, really, having conversations about us individually and as a couple and what we wanted and what was best for us. It wasn't a one conversation kind of deal. We talked a lot and we took breaks from seeing each other to sort our own thoughts out. Be as honest with yourself and with your wife as possible. If you feel like seeing a counselor will help - go for it. Just try communicate as clearly as you can. Sometimes it can get really hard to communicate - and that's okay. You've made a big step and making the next one is going to be a process. I hope my post has helped somehow. I hope you can find the support and advice you're looking for here! Best of luck with everything, all right?
I think the big question is whether you are monogamous or not? Being Bi simply means you are attracted to either sex, it doesn't mean you have to have relationships with both to live a fullfilled life. If you where straight and told your wife you where thinking of cheating on her with another woman would that be ok??? I think not and likewise it wouldn't be ok to cheat on her with a guy... It's really got nothing to do with your sexuality unless you are gay and stuck in a straight relationship. I think you should ask yourself weather you love your wife and what it means to be married to her. If she is the love of your life, your soul mate, why screw that up? Unless you're not happy in your marriage and are looking for excuses to end it... Being attracted to someone else while in a relationship only means you find someone else attractive too, doesn't mean you have to act on that attraction. I think many straight men are attracted to other women while married, doesn't mean they act on that attraction as they're already in a committed relationship... The same rules apply to you. You can find others attractive, even say wow he or she looks hot to your wife but it doesn't mean you have to go out and take a test ride if you know what I mean. Seeing a therapist will help you put things into perspective, and that's propably the best move you can make right now... You owe that to yourself and your family. At least seeing things from another perspective helps to clarify things and I'm sure it will help you emensley.
Agreed, it's important to recognize that physical attraction to others doesn't mean as much as a committed relationship where feelings are involved. I was going to ask why she was so annoyed to find the porn before I read the part about you confessing to wanting to cheat on her. It's healthy to feel sexual urges, but not so much to betray the trust of a monogamous partner. You need to decide if your marriage or the unexplored possibilities with men are more important to you. There's no right answer, only you can decide. Please don't try to have both though because it sounds like your wife does not want to share you with others.
