Over the past few weeks I have decided to come out as gay almost a year after I accepted my sexuality. So far I have come out to two people (one of them being my sister, so that's one important person that I've told) but I still have to come out to my parents. I have a good feeling about my mother's reaction as she has always been the voice of tolerance with regard to homosexuality, but I am incredibly anxious about telling my father. He is homophobic. I could go on at length about his complex views, but to summarise them, he doesn't have a problem with homosexuality per se, but always "looks down" on lesbian and gay people (he doesn't believe in true bisexuality or a true sexual spectrum) and has no problem insulting them behind their backs in the worst way possible (curiously, he does know some gay and lesbian people personally, and then he will not insult them, but rather form an ambiguous judgment about them, almost as though they have proven themselves to be "normal" despite their homosexuality in his opinion). Anyway, I just wanted some advice on whether I should come out in a letter or fare to face. My mother I could probably do face to face if it's the right setting. I'm worried (especially with my father) about controlling the situation to prevent a spiral out of control and I thought a letter would allow me to "soften the blow". The last point about my father's views are crucial in my opinion for him to accept me. I know that he holds me in high regard with respect to my academic successes (the greatest of which is my offer to study medicine at Cambridge) and I thought I could use this show him (in written form) that being gay isn't the only part of who I am and that I will continue to be academically driven (which is a very important thing for the whole family, myself included). I probably do not make much sense, but essentially my question is: considering my father's views and his possible reaction, should I come out face to face and hope that it unfolds favourably or should my coming out be scripted in the form of a letter where I can unfold the news in a favourable context, even though I will not be there when the bombshell drops (so to speak)?
Hiya John, Sorry no one else has replied yet. I am going to offer an opinion but there are people with actual experience at coming out that will have more informed ones. If your thread gets dropped down the post page before they get a chance to answer please repost and maybe change the thread header to show you need advice or help. It seems to get people's attention more that way. My advice is coming from having read a ton of posts of other people in similar situations to yours and what advice they have gotten. Coming out is YOUR story so you need to make sure you do it in a way that you are comfortable with. If you feel your mother is the safest parent to come out to and that you would fair well telling her face to face maybe invite her to lunch or just a drive to a park where you can get some alone time. By removing the chance of your father overhearing when you are not prepared for him it will help you to relax and will offer your mother time to process without concern for how he is reacting as well. After you have talked with her perhaps you should ask her advice on which way she feels your father would react to your news best. You want to make sure to give him time and space to process as well. If he is homophobic he might need more room to wrap his head around this. However you chose to do this I hope your family and everyone else you come out to give you the love, acceptance, and support that you deserve.
Hi John I think you've answered your own question... You know your parents better than anyone on this forum and if you feel a letter will soften the blow then that is the route you should follow. If you feel guilty about not being able to do it in person, you might consider outing yourself using both, i.e. Sitting your dad down, telling him you have something important to tell him but that you are finding it hard to express it in words and that you've decided to put it in a letter for him. That way you can still controll the situation and you've manage to do it in person. It sounds like your parents are level headed and I'm holding thumbs that all goes well for you!!!
