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I started a relationship with all the best intentions

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by lennie213, Apr 5, 2014.

  1. lennie213

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    I really love her and she loves me but it is only an emotional connection. We have been going out for 3 years now and have never had sex. One night when we were drunk I told her that I was asexual and that sex really didn't interest me. She was shocked but admitted that she loved me enough for us to stay together. We have recently admitted to each other that the relationship will not last much longer due to our sexuality differences.

    I have now come to the realisation that I am gay but the situation I am in is far too messy for me to even consider 'coming out'. I am in a tightly knit group which contains many couples and we are all great friends. I have holidays planned with them this summer and on a superficial level I am very happy. My parents approve of my life choices, I have a large circle of friends and am getting on well with studies.

    My housemates are all straight and obsessed with getting with girls. I have become very good at lying and joining in but a small part of me finds it horrible. I seem to form an attachment to guys very quickly and end up becoming obsessed with them - This is bad for my girlfriend as she does not get the attention that she deserves and it puts a strain on us. I get quite jealous of my male friends forming friendships and get envious when they mess about with each other and I don't feel included.

    I feel like my life is one big mess and I'm not quite sure what to do. I have moments like this when I am drastically unhappy and need to get my point across but then other times I am really happy. I know the lifestyle I have at the moment is a very short term solution but I am not ready to come to terms with my sexuality and love the comfort of this relationship - selfish as it is.

    Let me know if anyone feels the same?
    Thanks.
     
  2. Destiel

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    Hey there!

    Now what your going through is hard, trust me I know. If you're surrounded by a group of people who all are straight and in relationships its very intimidating knowing you're gay and not knowing how they'll take it. Now regarding your relationship, if it isn't working and you know you're gay now then I would end it before one of you gets hurt. It may be hard but it is best to end it before things get really upsetting and you can still stay friends.

    As for your sexuality, do you think you're friends would be fine if you were gay? I mean, it shouldn't make a difference! If you are really good friends with them it shouldn't matter that you're gay. I know its scary, I've had to cut friends from my life who were not okay with my sexuality, but if you come out you need to be prepared to do that if you need to.

    If you still aren't ready to come to terms with your sexuality you can stay in the closet as long as you need to. Adjust to your sexuality and maybe befriend someone who is openly out and can be a good person for advice during this hard time. Never come out until you are ready, don't pressure yourself to do something you are not comfortable with.

    Your relationship may seem like a security blanket but I wouldn't drag it on too much further. If you break it off clean and nice I imagine you can stay friends and she can continue to be a supportive friend in your life. Since she already knows your Asexual and she is okay with that you can always go to her I imagine to talk about it, and maybe if you feel comfortable you can go to her as well and tell her you are gay when you are ready to.

    Keep a happy mind set and try not to stress to hard over everything. When you're ready to come out and fully accept yourself you will do it, until then don't rush and just have fun and be happy.

    I hope I helped! (*hug*)
     
  3. Gates

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    Here's a potentially stupid thought but have you considered telling your girlfriend that you're gay? Depending upon her personality, it may make her actually feel better - obviously after 3 years you would have no sex life since you like guys! Again, it depends on her but if you felt comfortable doing that, she might be your biggest ally if you wanted to come out because it would make both of you look good, you for "trying" and her for innocently thinking that she was the problem. You'd get to come out and you'd both be free.

    Just a thought...
     
  4. lennie213

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    Wow, firstly thankyou for the response guys - I checked this thinking that nobody will have replied and it really means a lot to me.

    Destiel - I think what you are saying is right. I am really not ready to come out yet, I have barely come to terms with my sexuality and am not really ready to label things yet. This summer will be the last time I am in such close proximity with all these guys and I feel afterwards would be a great chance for me to take a step back and really think about things. I am moving to a new place next year which will give me a chance to start a fresh and hopefully not make some of the same mistakes I have made this time round.

    Gates - I totally agree that telling her would be the best thing to do but I'm not sure I can tell anyone just yet. I feel so guilty for lying to her for the whole of our relationship and she deserves so much better than that. She's an incredibly strong and independent person and I feel like although staying with her to feel safe is selfish I still make her happy and am helping her.

    Do you think it is sensible to plan a fantastic summer with all of my friends and enjoy spending time with them and then plan to become more distant next year when I move away. This will give me some time to process everything and find out who I am without a girlfriend and at the same time will enable my girlfriend to move on as she will also have space. It also allows me to keep up the friendships over a long distance and I can reflect on the quality of the friendships and one day tell them the truth when I am ready.

    I feel a little bit ridiculous coming up with a plan like that, but I am thinking it is the best for everyone including myself at the moment?

    Cheers for your advice,
    :slight_smile:.
     
  5. lennie213

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    I just had a terrible day - The only thing keeping me going is knowing that next year things will be totally different! Feeling very trapped and very alone.
     
  6. greatwhale

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    Hey lennie213. welcome to EC!

    I know intimately what you are going through, only I never questioned my orientation when I got married and endured a bad marriage for 20 years.

    Honestly, you seem to be wanting to have your cake and eat it too. This whole summer plan thing looks good on paper, but I suspect it will only prolong your misery and it would be very unfair to her. Remember the difference between guilt and shame, guilt is feeling bad for what you have done whereas shame is feeling bad for what you are.

    The latter is forgivable (albeit there is no reason for shame), but prolonging a relationship with the intention of breaking up...well forgive my directness, but this is truly blame-worthy.

    Instead, you might consider that this summer could potentially be, for you, a new awakening and an opportunity to discover the delight of same-sex relationships. Would this not be better for all concerned?
     
  7. lennie213

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    greatwhale,
    It is interesting talking to people who have had similar experiences - i am sorry things lasted as long as 20 years for you and hope that you have managed to find happiness? I would be interested to know a little bit more about your story if you are willing to share?

    I totally know what you are saying - I know what i am doing is wrong but I just feel for the both of us that now is not the time. There is a lot going on and I feel I am of great support to her. I feel that staying together is the support that both of us need at the moment and the fact that we have acknowledged that our relationship won't last maybe means that we are both feeling it will end this summer...

    This whole situation has just sprung up in my head recently and has been something I have never thought about before. I am so confused and really not ready to make rushed decisions about who I am/what I feel...

    It is great to have this method of getting things off my chest and I really appreciate the responses. Just being able to type this stuff and hear about others experiences has made me feel less lonely already, so thankyou. :slight_smile: