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My brother's gay too...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by digsy, Jul 24, 2008.

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  1. digsy

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    ...which is great! But here's the problem. Having see how my parents reacted to his coming out, it just makes me coming out that much harder. My parents weren't TERRIBLE: Dad was pretty okay with it, but he (like me) doesn't like to speak about his feelings that much, so he just kind of acknowledged it but didn't really want to discuss it. My Mum had a fairly hard time (and still does) dealing with it (my brother came out nearly 2 years ago, but he's been living overseas since then so they haven't really talked face to face). My bro's sent Mum PFLAG brochures and my sister and I have tried to talk to her and encourage her to go, but she seems to think that she's fine with it all and doesn't need any support.

    In the 2 years since my bro came out, I'm the one who has been sitting at the dinner table listening to Mum speak out against gay adoption, how uncomfortable she feels, whether or not she should tell her friends, etc. Quote: "We shouldn't tell the grandparents, they've been through enough in their lives." I realise that I'm making Mum sound pretty bad, and she really isn't - she definitely loves my brotherm, but she's from a very conservative upbringing, so she's finding it very hard to reconcile the two. The thing is, I feel in some way guilty/dishonest for having sat there while she explained how she feels about homosexuality, all the while thinking that I'm straight.

    So now I'm battling with coming out to my parents myself. Of course my brother knows as well as my sister, and they're both awesome and supportive. My best friend is also gay, so that's a big help too. I've given myself a time limit (I want to do it before my 21st birthday, in September) and now I'm constantly beating myself up over how and when I should do it. I was considering writing a letter, but then I thought speaking to them might be best; then I was wondering if I should wait til my brother comes home from overseas, or if I should just spontaneously say it at dinner or something. Oh, and there's an extra dilemma: the other night when Mum and I were talking, she said something like, "I wonder when your sister will find a man" (jokingly). I said, "Maybe she'll find a woman." To which Mum replied, "That wouldn't be fair" (i.e. it wouldn't be fair to Mum to have two gay children). Sooo that kind of throws an extra spanner in the works.

    Realistically I know that my parents love me and will love me no matter what, but I'm dreading that look of shock and possibly sadness that I know will be on my Mum's face when I tell her. I know there's no miraculous answer you guys can provide that will solve all my problems, and I know that the only option is to just do it, sooner rather than later - I'm going to have to one day. I think I just need a place to vent though, and after lurking the forums for a few weeks I figure this is the place to do it!

    Vent over!
     
  2. Vampyrecat

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    Hi Digsy.

    sounds like you're in a similar situation to my friend's brother. Two gay brothers out of three boys.

    I would think that you're getting yourself extraordinarily worked up. You said your mother coped with your brother coming out, and that you have the support of your brother and sister.

    a solution which presents itself to me, is to call a family meeting for when your brother comes home, so you can have people around you who know and love you and who will help your mother through this.

    Another solution, regarding the letter, if you were going to write it, it would have to be very detailed so she knows exactly what's going on and why you're coming out to her now rather then earlier, etc etc. Leave it in a place where she'll find it and be able to read it privately.

    If you need any more help, feel free to PM me. :slight_smile:
     
  3. Louise

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    In your mum's shoes, which I am not, I would prefer to be told one on one or through a letter, not amongst loads of people. If your mum is ashamed to have one gay son having two isn't going to make matters any better.

    You sound a lovely caring person, but you cannot live your life to make your mum happy, you owe her, of course you do for giving you life, for giving you all her love, for educating you, etc. But the debt you have to your parents has its limits. You own them respect and kindness and that's about it.

    I think you are just going to have to take the bull by the horns, sit down with your mum (alone) and tell her very kindly that you do understand how she feels about homosexuality and that this is in no way against her but in the interests of honesty you have to tell her that you also are homosexual. If you think she may feel this is unfair then tell her yes it is unfair but you didn't chose this anymore than she did, it is just the way it is. Unfortunately life is unfair that is one of the facts of life no one wants to face up to but is horribly true.

    I'm not going to lie to you, yes she probably will be hurt and disappointed but this will pass, especially if you stay in the same country and you get to talk to her about it and help her to come through the stages of grief which are normal for parents when they find out one (or more) of their children are gay.
     
  4. Lexington

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    How do your siblings feel about the whole thing? It might be worth getting their take on your mother.

    Lex
     
  5. Mind Freak

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    Well maybe the next time she brings up gay adoption and stuff you could just ease her mind and like try to prove your point without blowing your cover and accidentally coming out.

    And then you would have made it a little easier to come out I guess...
     
  6. Willywilly92

    Willywilly92 Guest

    Yea like u should try to kinda like throw soem subtl hints into ur conversations. like the other day i was watchin tv with my mom and this herpies commercial came on. she was like "See now, thats wat ur gonna get if start kissin girls (she still thinks im her little baby)" and then like an idiot i said "WEll do u want me kissin guys?" holy hell i thought hell was gettin rdy to break loose but she ws like "OK, nvm" and she paused and i was thinkin i am such a dumb ass! but then she looked at me and said "watever makes u happy." that made me feel better about tellin her and maybe u will be able to tell ur mom without actually tellin her, u know?
     
  7. beyondken

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    heee, that made me chuckle. it must have been such a relief there was no big 'reaction'.
     
  8. buffy2392

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    I read the whole thing............and sounds like mission impossible............i really hope you get a welcome reaction but sounds like it won't. Im not out yet...........but i think i have time. Best of luck.........(Tell them to suck it).......hahahaha joking
     
  9. Antrioss

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    Well, Digsy, looks like you have a serious problem on your hands. I, myself, haven't mustered up the courage to talk to my parents yet. I suggest you tell more people. I've noticed that telling more people makes it so much easier, knowing that not everyone will hate you.

    You do face the problem of (possibly) not carrying the family name. Maybe that's why your mom is so upset about. Since she refuses to even accept help, bring it to her. Try to support her, help her overcome her fears (if any). Maybe then will you be able to finally tell her the truth.
     
  10. digsy

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    Haha yeah I should just go all Kathy Griffin on their ass. "I'm gay, suck it Mum!" Not quite sure how well that would go down, but it's probably worth a try.

    Thanks for all the advice guys...can I just say (side note!) that these forums rock - I've never seen a troll on here, everyone's so helpful and supportive, and I am incredibly impressed with all the younger people who've had the courage to come out to their parents. I'm hoping to tell my parents this weekend, so we'll see how it goes :confused: I think I'll tell mum privately and then tell my dad straight after. Who knows, they may even surprise me and just be incredibly supportive!
     
  11. Antrioss

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    I think the reason why we're so supportive and understanding is that we've all been in the same boat. We know how it feels to be scared, to be vulnerable, to feel alone. I kinda find it in my best interest to help give people extra confidence in their coming out experience. It's so scary, I'm still going through the process myself; but I feel like a million bucks after getting it off my chest.
     
  12. MOS KONIG

    MOS KONIG Guest

    I'm relieved to see that I'm not the only person in this situation.
     
  13. digsy

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