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Carrying too much for too long.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Defender, Jul 24, 2008.

  1. Defender

    Defender Guest

    Heya,

    Over the last several years since my parents split, my mum has been relying on me for support, there hasn't been anyone else other than social workers and stuff. It has been really hard for me to carry all of this for such a long time and it continue to happens, but it is becoming too much for me and I think it is impacting on me in a big way.

    I dropped out of school when I was 12 due to: Bullying and my parents separated for the first time. I haven't had any kind of education since and I am not currently working. I am really afraid for my future because one day I'd like to get out there and have a life of my own. I feel extremely bad, upset and guilty typing about this right now, I can hear her crying in her room and there isn't anything I can do. It feels like I've had to..hm...not sacrifice, but choose to support her rather than myself and there isn't anyone to help/care for me. Yes, I'm an adult, but I haven't had anyone to 'follow' or help me out with helping her. She is a good person and does support me from time to time, but she has had it really tough and I feel really isolated and don't really know what to do about myself.

    I was seeing a psychologist, but he turned out to be a wanker. I might have to start seeing one again (forced) around August/September and I don't really think it will help. Psychologists/Psychiatrists, in my experience, seem more logical than emotional - my problems are emotional. Even my previous psychologist even asked me "Why I bothered" coming to see him if they were emotional. We do not get along very well at all, I become very argumentative because they have no idea what I have been going through. The just brush it off as an excuse.


    My anxiety is a bit better, I went to Melbourne earlier in the year, and have been able to go to the supermarket/stores relatively easy.
    I haven't really been able to figure myself out as a person because I've been so sheltered and isolated/helping my mum, I feel really stuck. I can't just say back off, because my other siblings treat her like crap, I'm the only one that is there for her.
    She knows that she relies on me too much, but I understand that she has no other choice. This isn't really about my mum, I don't think I could stop supporting her because she is all I really have too.

    I just don't know what to do with myself.

    /rant
     
  2. Lexington

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    Wow, that's a pretty tough position to be put in.

    As for therapists, yes, they ARE logical. But that's precisely why people tend to go to them. When you're down deep in a situation, it's tough to see things in a logical way. We sometimes need somebody on the outside, who is somewhat removed from the situation. Someone who knows a good deal about people, how they act, and how they react. They can listen to your problems, and advise you both how to deal with your feelings about them, and how to make the problems better.

    But the thing is - a therapist can't solve your problems. YOU need to solve your problems. The therapist is sort of like a personal trainer. The trainer can evaluate your body, and suggest a course of action to help you get into (better) shape. But it's YOU who is gonna have to do all the weight lifting, all the stretching, all the running. Similarly, the therapist can evaluate your life, and suggest some things to help make things better. But it's YOU who is going to have to implement these suggestions. And if you choose not to, well, nothing much will change. If you think this psychiatrist is gonna be a waste of time, I can GUARANTEE that it's going to be a waste of time, and you should just not bother going.

    It's true that your therapist - and myself - don't know exactly what you're going through. If you've seen me around the boards, you know I tend to weigh in on a lot of problems. And in 98% of cases, I haven't "been there". But even if I have "been there", that doesn't mean I know precisely what they're going through. Yes, I've been in love, but not with a straight guy. Yes, I've been turned down, but not via text message.

    That doesn't stop me from weighing in. Because even though I haven't "been there", I can empathize. "I am human, and therefore nothing human is alien to me." I can picture being in these positions, and how I might try to get to a better place. Yes, my experiences are different, and my scenario is hypothetical, so it might be "easy for me to talk". But then again, since I'm removed from the problem, solutions can occur to me that might not occur to people actually in them.

    That said, let's go back to you. Let's break it down into pieces.

    You feel that somebody must "be there" for your mother.
    You're unhappy with the treatment your siblings give her.
    There's nobody else in her life who can provide the care you can.
    Applying some of that logic that you're not a fan of, there's only one conclusion.

    You will be her caregiver for the rest of your life. In precisely the same role you're in now.

    You've been caring for her for almost half your life, including your entire adolesence. You've now pretty much set your niches - she can't get by with your support, and you probably don't know what to do if she wasn't there to be supported. Unless one of you REALLY wants to break out of this mold, you're not going to. This is how it will remain.

    You're more than welcome to use the same cards on me. I don't understand what your mother's been through, you can't just abandon her, all that. That's fine. But I stand by my post.

    Lex
     
  3. Defender

    Defender Guest

    My therapist couldn't empathize. He only tried to deal with the anxiety, not what was causing the anxiety, which yes, he did know about.

    Do you really think that I'm that stupid? When people have nothing else to give but generic advice, they state the obvious. I don't have anybody to help me deal with these personal problems, all I really need is someone decent to talk to that gives a damn.

    I can see things pretty clearly. Yes, sometimes we do need someone on the outside, but therapists are more harmful than good when they cannot relate. At least mine was.

    Of course I would know what to do, I wouldn't have to spend the rest of my time feeling like shit because of everyone elses problems, I'd like to have the energy to deal with my own. I'd also like to get an education, work etc. And don't tell me that I've managed to get myself into this mess. But see, I probably have it all wrong, because clearly, you can empathize.

    Seriously, don't insult me.

    Hooray. At least I am not as defensive as you :eusa_clap.
     
  4. Lexington

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    As one of my friends said, "Lex's biggest problem is that when people ask for advice, he thinks they mean it."

    If you'd like, I can have a mod delete my entire post except the first line. And I can deliver different versions of it every time you want. It seems clear you have this problem well in hand, so I'll refrain from weighing in on it further.

    Lex
     
  5. Defender

    Defender Guest

    I don't really care to be honest.
    And no, I don't have the problem(s) well in hand, yeah, I have a good understanding of it - if I had it well in hand, I wouldn't be asking for advice.
     
  6. beckyg

    beckyg Guest

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    Your cup sounds really empty right now. I think you would enjoy taking care of your mother more if you also do things for yourself. You don't have to be there for her 24/7. You can still provide support, love, and care for her while taking care of your own needs. I would suggest doing more things to "fill your cup" so to speak. Do things that make defender happy. It sounds like you are upset about your education. Doesn't Australia require kids to be in school anyway? I didn't understand that. But why not get back in school and get some education. I bet as you start doing more things for yourself, your mother will feel like less of a burden on you. It might be a good time to have a serious talk with your siblings also about pitching in.

    This happens to women alot. We spend our lives taking care of everybody else and forget our own needs and wants. Its time to do something for Defender!!
     
  7. Defender

    Defender Guest

    It is difficult to make time for myself when I am home, as all of this happens here.

    Yes, they are required to be in school. Once I was 16, social workers stopped 'chasing' me. They couldn't do anything about it. I have no idea on what I'd like to study today, and whether or not it would be a better option to study for the General Education first.
    Then there is the cost.

    The environment here at home is really negative and it is hard to do something positive, because everyone else just pulls me down, I'm outnumbered, have no space and have nobody that is like-minded.
     
  8. beckyg

    beckyg Guest

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    Is there something stopping you from getting out of the house for a short time each day? You could start with say an hour as to not totally send the house into panic and then when they learn they can live without you for an hour, try a little longer.

    I would call and check into the cost of getting your GED. It may not be as bad as you think.

    Just think baby steps and visualize filling your cup with each baby step you take.
     
  9. beyondken

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    Defender, I feel for you. Maybe with the psychologist thing try to keep an open mind; not everybody is the same and despite bad experiences you might get one whose style is really helpful for you.

    Do you think maybe you could try a short course first up? Perhaps the CAE in the city or something like that? I know they're not cheap, but if you could manage a little something that sparks your interest it could help you get the foot in the door, so to speak, and if your mum sees you making progress for yourself it might do something to lift some burden and some spirits at home. Or does your local council happen to run anything? They might not be much good, but if you keep looking around, you're bound to find opportunities to unstick yourself bit by bit.

    Remember, you've got support here.

    Hope that's some help.