Questioning myself sexuality for the first time...

This is my first ever attempt at opening up about my sexuality to anyone... I'm honestly pretty terrified writing this... anyways, this is my story.

My dad grew up in a fundamentalist christian family in Dallas Texas, and when he refused to go to a catholic university his parents withdrew their offer to pay for his education. He came to Canada and works as a retoucher (photo-shopper) and met my mom, the tree hugging hippy, when he was like 25. My dad came out as gay when I was 12 years old, and even though him and my mom are now separated he is still a major part of my life: both him and my mom still get along pretty well. Their was never any question of child support for me or my younger sister, my dad was always not only financially supportive but also worked hard be around me and my sister as much as possible growing up. I think he felt guilty of taking so long to come out, and felt like my mom was a victim because he didn't come out sooner. I can't imagine what it would be like for your husband to come out as gay... but my mom has been very supportive, kind and open about it. I know she was really sad when it happened but now my dad and his new boyfriend (who is really nice, and very openly gay) come over for family dinners often and he has become a member of our family. Overall, i think lucked out.

I was born a boy. Growing up, my parents enrolled me in alternative schools, and I was really a left-wing, and was always comfortable, even proud, of who I was, no matter what that meant. When I was younger... even when I was like 13... I always had this feeling that I was different, more feminine then the other boys in my grade. I grew really long hair and I loved hanging out with girls... I sometimes painted my nails and played all women's shinny (pick up game of ice hockey, no goalies) with a few of my friends. I put my hair in a pony tail and wore a visor and helmet so I kinda looked like a girl :eusa_danc

I totally crushed, and fell in love, with like 2-3 girls between the age of 13-17. I dated a few girls, straight, as a man.

When i hit puberty, late (like 16), my great life started taking a turn for the worse... I started smoking pot all the time. Then i started selling pot. Then i started doing MDMA (ecstacy) like 2-3 times a week, and started selling that also. I felt horrible being sober, but at the time i thought i just liked partying... now i'm pretty sure i was running from something. The life i chose at first started earning me a lot of credibility at school, and I think girls liked the fact that i was a really open, politically correct guy who also sold pot and knew how to party. A lot of girls were really into me, and honestly i had an amazing time up until maybe a few months after my 17th birthday.

I started hanging around a lot of homophobic people, mostly because I was selling so much weed. Drug dealing led me to be surrounded by a lot of alpha males, most of which were homophobic. I started feeling less and less interested in women, and when i did, I felt like i was aroused by them in a really gross way... like i enjoyed a sense of power over women sexually. I was never abusive, but I was aroused by something that certainly wasn't love or connection. I felt like love and connection didn't exist any more. I secretly often fantasized about being a woman during sex... I never thought of myself as trans or gay, and I thought this was just the way it was. I never really admitted that to myself that this was what i was doing, but looking back it certainly was. After awhile i stopped enjoying sex all together and eventually didn't even want to get in bed with anyone.

I became extremely depressed and suffered from chronic stress. I felt like i was constantly seeking the approval of others, and i had no identity. I blamed myself, I told myself that I was weak and beat myself up endlessly for not being what other people wanted me to be. I stopped doing selling and doing drugs, and withdrew socially, but the feeling just got worse.

I'm 20 now, and am extremely self concious and have little confidence. Over the past maybe year or so, I have very slowly started to feel better about who I am, but I'm still suffering from chronic stress and depression. I have started playing poker as a part time job, and am making very good money doing so. I think this has helped me develop a sense of self-worth and helped me reclaim some of my identity. I'm a really good poker player, and I really think the game has helped me be proud of who I am in a strange way.

I was on the bus to the casino to grind out another session, and for some reason... I don't know what happened... but i looked around the bus and realized the reason I was so self-concious was because I felt like i needed approval from everyone around me. It was like a permanent need I had to be accepted... and I and felt this way since I was 17. I don't know why, but for some reason I allowed myself to let go of that feeling, just a little bit, for the first time in three years. I allowed myself to just say fuck it and feel the way I wanted to feel without worrying about what the world tells me I should feel. I realized that i needed approval from everyone because I felt like everyone around me disapproved of who I am. I found myself checking out a few guys on the bus... I felt free too look at who I wanted to look at... I don't really know how to explain it. I started thinking more and more about why I felt the way I did the past three years and I kept trying to let go of all the expectations i set for myself. I tried, for the first time, to admit to myself that maybe I wasn't straight. It felt like a huge relief, and a wave of mixed emotions, kind of flooding over me. I would retreat back my default thinking... the stress and need for approval would come back. But when I challanged my sexual identity again, the wave of mixed emotions (relief, stress, fear) would come back.... I wrote a poem about being gay and posted it online last night. Then I watched brokeback mountain and cried (lolololol)... I feel like I really want to explore this because I have been running for three years and I don't want to run anymore.

I don't know if i'm trans, gay, maybe just confused and straight... but i don't want to run from who I am any more. Aside from that poem i posed last night, this is the first attempt i have ever made in expressing that I may have a sexuality other than straight, and even here I'm doing it annonimously online, and I will probably delete my history even though this is my personal computer... but i think admitting to myself that I may be gay, or even trans (please god no) is a huge step... I'm starting to feel better. In fact, I feel really good right now... wow!

Thanks for reading this guys! If i ever do come out, it's a very very long way away. But I think i'm taking some really good steps here, and whatever happens, I'm at least glad i'm exploring my options. I posted this because I wanted to share what i'm feeling, but if you guys have any comments or anything you want to ask i'll try my best to answer... I think it might help!