I've known for years. But not untill last year did I tell myself. Then last Christmas I came out to my sister...definently made that convo harder then it had to be. She wasn't surprised! I described it like walking around with a big secret that YOU think NO ONE knows...But almost everone does. So I keep telling myself I need to trust people more. Maybe i should give a little more bacground about myself, give some perspective as to my problem. I come from an extremely religious family. Extremely... Is being conservative with that description. I haven't been a member in years, however, Im still finding myself overwhelmed with so much shame and guilt. Like finally saying the words or taking a stand about who I am is condeming my eternal soul. You get my dilemma. So enters in my most recent step towards my struggle for truth and honesty. Which gets slightly more complicated, stay with me here... This part is hard. So about five years ago I had an extremely passionate and strickly pysical affair with a close friend of the same sex. She wasn't really my first...first I went that far with. Our interactions were never planned and always rushed... Always ended with extreme boughts of guilt followed by soul crushing shame and fear. I would even go as far as apologizing once the act was done. I always took the blame... Like somehow I had forced her... I know this stems from my whole religious guilt. It gets worse... She would never aknowledge besides a quick nod and change of subject. So five years later, shes married with children... In fact were still very close friends. I cannot exactly recall when we stopped being physical, we just stopped long before her husband came on the scene. I told you all this to say this... I came out to her. It went something along the lines of... "I know this is probably obvious..." "...I'm bisexual..." She acted surprised, more not by what said but that I had said it. Everything went well from there. She assured me she would support me with whomever I decided to love. Sounds good so far, right?!? Until last weekend. We're drinking, lije usually couple glasses of wine, in enters another friend, im not overally close to. Somehow this conversation turns to how I need to find someone... The words exactly... Excuse the language "...we need to find you some p***y..." long awkward silence, other friend shifts a look between the two of us... Then "ummmm... Or um d**k..." our other friend looks at me and says... "well whatever floats your boat!". Lets just say the anger and fear that simultaneously manages to grip my chest is unexplainable. I cannot even define. I know that response from the friend not in "the know" seems positive but that wasn't the point I xan't get over the feeling of betrayal. Loyalty is so hard to come by. I guess what they say. The best kept secret between two friends is when one of them is dead. I have such trust issues... In a way she has broken what I felt we had established. We can "blame it on the alcohol" , but i cant accept that! What if its out there before Im ready? To be honest, after all thats what Im trying to be, relief and fear are the more prevelent emotions I've been dealing with... This is my first time being open about this in any sort of public forum. Insight and feedback would be appreciated! Thanks for your time...
Hi there I am really sorry your friend blabbed your business to your other friend like that. It really stinks when someone you trust shows they might not be as worthy of that trust as you thought they were. I am also sorry that people with actual experience in coming out have not found your post and offered you some advice. You might want to try reposting and changing your thread heading to include "need help" or "advice please." That seems to get more replies. I want to add one thing about your religious guilt. God is good. God is love. God does not make mistakes. If God is good, loving and does not make mistakes then God made you bisexual on purpose. He must love you as you are for you are His and made the way He wished. God, being good, would want you, His creation, to be happy in the life He gave you. Good luck to you.
Thank you for taking the time to reply, Katwat! I will take your advise. But let me tell you... Your last statement you made did help! I have been telling myself these things for years, but its hard to undo decades of repression from close minded and hatefilled teachings. I know I struggle with my own twisted self hate and homophobia. If I cant first accept myself how do I think anyone else will?
I'm just wondering if you made it clear to your friend that this was for her knowledge only? Sometimes we do need to be quite clear about that. If you did make it clear, then it's really bad that your trust was broken and you are entitled to feel the way you do. Okay, so it did bring you out to another person and that might be somewhat liberating, but it's not really the point. It's up to you who to tell and when to tell and only you can decide if you are comfortable enough for others to share the private details of your life - it's certainly not for them to make an arbitrary decision to blab. I entirely agree with katwat about the religious guilt. There is absolutely no reason to believe that our sexual orientation is incompatible with Christian belief. The very idea that God hates anyone who is not straight is beyond belief - it's a very narrow world view based around prejudice and fear of all things sexual. It's that fear of sexual issues, that unites so many conservative Christians, but a more liberal understanding can be taken.
Linco, you may very well be right! I may have convoluted the fact during our conversation this was something I was taking my time with. I did make it clear it was going to be a slow proccess and she was one of the first people I was going to be open with! I'm starting to understand one should nemver make assumptions! I've given it a bit more thought... More like given myself time to cool off and become rational... I think we may have to revisit our earlier conversation. After I've never been one to run away from my feelings! That is what makes it so hard to hide such a big part of who I am! Throughout my daily life people always comment the thing they love about me most I'm always open and honest. HA! Everyday this feels like a chain around my neck. With each person a link falls away. Thanks for thr insight! In regards to the religion end of things. I'm still so confused! I've always felt at the end of the day Gods message is love... Just much harder to grasp when the voices from my childhood scream such hatred and intolerance!
