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I hate myself

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by noname, Jul 24, 2008.

  1. noname

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    I hate myself for turning my life into such a mess. I'm 19 with the soul of a 90 year old and the mentality of a 12 year old. I have no one at all I can trust. I've tried to be a part of the community but I can't. I see gay people and my fears seem more and more justified. My generaliztions about most gay men have all proven to be true. At home I'm like an outsider because they know even though I never told them. As much as I hate to admit it, it ruins things for me. I kiss a guy and see my parents face. What's the next step? Therapist? I've tried and it's way too expensive for me to afford. Youth organization? Been there and disliked it. Club? I feel lonely as hell and don't even feel comfortable being alone. It's like I'm damaged for life. It's just become my personality to sit back with hate while everyone else is doing their thing.
     
  2. Mind Freak

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    Poor kid.
    Maybe you just haven't met the right people to talk to?
     
  3. tylerksub

    tylerksub Guest

    I dont think any generalizations are true..Stick around here your find someone your grow comfortable with and the rest will follow.
     
  4. Mirko

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    First of all, hi and welcome to EC!

    You mentioned that "It's just become my personality to sit back with hate while everyone else is doing their thing." I would encourage you to try changing it. Maybe what you are feeling is being caught between two worlds that just don't seem to add up. What I mean here, from your post it becomes clear that you are not out to your parents/family and at the same time, you have had problems with being able to relate to the gay community.

    I think what might work is if you take it slow. Take one step at a time. Given that you are not out yet, there is a possibility that at some level your fears of coming out to your parents and how they might react interfere with the other side of you that wants to explore. Often these feelings of withdrawal, not 'fitting in' and not wanting to be a part of anything, are a part of inner homophobia, which is very normal to have. At some level we are ready to move on and wanting to explore other things and sides of ourselves but at the same time our inner feelings tell us differently. It might simply mean that you just need a bit more time to accept it all. Your inner homophobia perhaps leads you to validate your generalizations about gay men, and thus hinders you from forming different view points. Try to take a step back and take it slow. Whenever you are faced with a 'new' situation ask yourself if you are ready to take that step. It does not matter what that situation is, whether it be kissing a guy, or coming out to your parents/family. There is no rush with anything. Take your time.

    Don't hate yourself. I am sure you will be able to turn things around. Don't be too hard on yourself. You have not damaged your life. It seems to me that you have not met the right people with whom you have something in common and can identify with yet. Everybody is different but there are people with whom you will be able to identify with. With time it will happen. Don't give up on it.

    What was it that you disliked about the youth organization? Maybe another one or another club or support group might be more along the lines of what you are looking for. Maybe it is just a matter of finding the right club or support group. Given that you are feeling lonely I would encourage you to try to join a different support group in your community. They are very welcoming and I am sure you will be able to identify with some its members.

    You mentioned that you are 19. Are you going or planning to go to a college/university? Most, if not all, colleges/universities do have counselors who provide services free of charge to students. I think it might be worthwhile to look into that. Talking about your feelings that you are currently experiencing might help you getting to the root cause of it.

    It might take some time but I am sure you will get there. Please don't hate yourself or think that you have damaged your life. You have not. Life deals us all kinds of roadblocks and hurdles, but once we have overcome them, we will be stronger as a result.

    Please, continue to post. I am sure writing it out will help you. Stick around on EC, and you will get to know people on here.

    I hope this helps a bit. If you need to talk or vent please feel free to pm me at any time. EC is here to help.
     
    #4 Mirko, Jul 24, 2008
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2008
  5. Chris

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    I think that you should talk to some of the peeps here! Maybe get out more, live like it's your last day! make use of your time here!
     
  6. Étoile

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    I know how it feels to believe you don't belong where you think you should. Been there, still getting over that. I think you should eliminate those pessimistic thoughts from your head because if you believe 'It's just become my personality to sit back with hate while everyone else is doing their thing.' then that will become your personality and you'll be more miserable and even lonelier.
     
  7. Lexington

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    Welcome to EC. :slight_smile: Ast has given you a lot of food for thought, and it's worth chewing on. Feel free to hit us up here anytime you have a problem, or just want to vent. If you'd rather not post "in public", feel free to send a Private Message to Asteroid, myself, or any of the other Advisors here. Just click on our names to the left there, and select "Private Message".

    Hopefully, we can help get you to a better place.

    Lex
     
  8. -Michael-

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    I think you've come to the right place.

    EC can really help :slight_smile:

    Good luck,
    Henson
     
  9. EM68

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    Welcome. EC is the right place. About a month ago I was so upset, confused etc. about my sexuality. Use the forum to vent and seek advise. We are all here to help each other. (*hug*)
     
  10. Endlessnight500

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    I understand where you are at....I mean I was there a very very short time ago...I'm also 19... If you need someone to talk to PM me...Having people to talk to openly is probly the most theripudic thing there is... Please don't hate yourself. Find people to talk to here on EC...It will help alot. I hope to hear from you. Be safe, and get in to know the GBTL comminity. There are SO many "normal" Gay people...Not everyone is the Steriotypical Queen or Dyke... I wouldn't Put myself in that Catigory at all. I like sports...Playing them anyways, I'm not really into watching them...I like the physical Contact :grin: But I also like Cars...I dont mind getting dirty, and personally, I don't like Fems... I like guys who act like guys like myself...no offence to anyone. But if I wanted to be with a girl I'd be with a girl :grin:
     
  11. Please don't hate yourself! You won't get far if you think that all the time. Try to be more positive and try to do the right things so that you can tackle all your obstacles. I know it's not easy, trust me. Just remember that everyone here cares about each other, and if you ever need a place to come chat, you can do it here.

    I'm not so sure what therapy would do for you (depending on how you feel). But if you think that it might help you, then go for it :slight_smile:

    Good luck! I hope that everything turns out ok!