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idea for coming out to parents.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by MaddogMJ5, Apr 11, 2014.

  1. MaddogMJ5

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    I think I'm going to send them a message saying "Hey, dad/mom, I just wanted to let you know that I'm bi. I don't want ANYTHING to change, and I don't wanna mention this ever again. Don't bother responding to this message, I just thought you should know."
    I do NOT do well with face-face conversations about these things. I just wanted your opinions on this, before I do it..... Or don't.
     
  2. BookDragon

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    Personally, while I understand WHY you're writing your message this way, I think it's a bit cruel to do so.

    It's true your sexuality is your concern and ONLY your concern, you are the only person who should ever be able to have a say in what you feel, BUT "I don't wanna mention this ever again. Don't bother responding to this message" is just mean.

    Sure, I don't know how your parents will react or even what sort of people they are, but saying it like that is just inflammatory. If I got that message from my future child, it wouldn't matter that I would be 110% supportive I would still be upset about the tone of the message.

    If you really want to avoid a discussion, then try something like:

    ""Hey, dad/mom, I just wanted to let you know that I'm bisexual. I thought I would let you know. I am completely certain about this."

    I'm not saying you need to tolerate them trying to tell you that you need to change, you don't. BUT you do need to let them ask some questions, the last thing you want is to forbid conversation and let them continue with any misinformation they might have about bisexuality.

    My mum, for example, accepted my news completely but assumed you needed to love 2 people at the same time, couldn't possibly have a stable, committed relationship and also thought it was OK for straight people to display affection publicly but not gay people. I wouldn't want to think she still felt that way about me. You don't want to find out later your parents have been thinking that way about YOU because you decided to forbid them to talk about it.
     
  3. MaddogMJ5

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    Alright, I understand. I'm gonna find something better to say. I'll update if I have/do anything.
     
  4. MaddogMJ5

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    Also, they have absolutely no reason not to accept me. That's not the problem.
     
  5. Holdingb

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    Only problem with it is that you are being a bit too up front with them XD They're going to ask questions- so the whole "do not respond thing might not be applicable." And so you'll have to answer until they are content if you want things to truly stay the same. Also it being through message and not in person, it can be a bit impersonal and hurtful to your parents because they'll pull the "well we're your parents" card, making them bitter on the subject. If you insist on no face-to-face talking, then at least be able to express some emotion through your messages giving some anecdotes of your journey of bisexuality and such. Even then be prepared for at least a little of actual talking as you will probably be asked to talk about it with them for at least five minutes.
     
  6. MaddogMJ5

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    Alright, I have a completely different letter thought out. My dad found a yellow sticky note that I wrote a couple weeks ago saying "Need to go somewhere, mental hospital sounds good" & "need to figure out my own sexuality". I completely denied that it was mine, even though it was. So, my letter will say

    "I just wanted to let you know that the yellow sticky note you found was mine, I am bisexual.
    I was gonna tell you earlier in a letter like this, but I didn't. Also, all of it was true, I'm still
    cutting myself.
    -Matthew"

    I also wanna add something else, because I want help with my cutting and things, but I don't know how to put it.

    I have a perfect opportunity to leave it for my dad in about 2 1/2 hours when I go to mom's house. Please help, I don't know how to finish the letter. I don't have much time.
     
  7. mbanema

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    If you have a great opportunity to do this tonight, please take it. You'll feel so much better to get this off your chest and if you're cutting yourself you could really use the help and support from your family. Believe in yourself and make it happen.

    Whatever you say to get your message across is the right thing. The only thing I might add is "I love you and I really need your help right now."
     
  8. MaddogMJ5

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    I wanna do this so it can finally be over with, and I can just relax (after I freak out for a couple weeks, wishing I took it back). I just don't what to add. Thanks, for the suggestion.
     
  9. mbanema

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    You don't have to worry about saying everything right now -- you don't have to add anything if it's not coming to mind. The important thing is to say something and I think you have the courage to do it. :slight_smile:
     
  10. MaddogMJ5

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    I GOT IT!!!

    "I just wanted to let you know that the yellow sticky note you found was mine, I am bisexual. I was gonna tell you earlier in a letter like this, but I didn't. Also, all of it was true, I'm still cutting myself, and I need some kind of help. Please write a letter in response, thanks.
    -Matthew"
     
  11. mbanema

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    Perfect! Make sure your dad gets that tonight. :slight_smile:
     
  12. MaddogMJ5

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    I'll try, but I'm just SOOOOOO NERVOUS!!! I know I'm gonna regret this as soon as I walk out the door. But, I gotta do it sooner or later, and everything will be better afterwards, just maybe not immediately. Thanks for your help and support! *hugs*
     
  13. MaddogMJ5

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    Alright, the letter is wedged in the door of his car that's in the garage. My mom just picked me up, and I'm on my way to her house. No going back now :slight_smile:
     
  14. Tectonic

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    Well done and good luck!
     
  15. JohnB

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    I'm usually someone who just let the pieces fall where they may, you never know what you will get.

    I saw a video on youtube, a short film where a kid wanted to come out, so he wrote a coming out letter to his mom, but he was scared and kept it in his pocket, and then at the dinner table it fell out while he was getting something to drink, he heard his mom pick it up and ask what it was, then she read it and all he can do was sit back down and await her response.

    IMO, just do it and just await for whatever to happen, you cannot change anyone's response, but you MUST allow them to give it, it is good for the human condition. Just wait for it and take it in. Parents are only worried and scared about their child's well-being. Gay, Bi, or straight, they will ALWAYS worry about the choices we make whether it be professional or personal, they always have fears of what will happen to their child. IT is nothing personal to you, it is who they are. You still have your health afterwards.

    Imagine a family member told you something you never knew about them, something big like their sexuality you never knew, but they tell you to not respond and leave it. You wouldn't feel good, no one does. Seems unfair, you had a lot of time to think about it, to come to terms with it, but your parents will JUST be hearing about it. Give them time or whatever and take the response.

    Just saiyan.

    ---------- Post added 11th May 2014 at 10:42 PM ----------

    Good luck.
     
  16. MaddogMJ5

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    Read some of the last posts, I changed the letter, and already left it.

    ---------- Post added 12th May 2014 at 12:32 AM ----------

    Thank you!!! *hugs*

    ---------- Post added 12th May 2014 at 12:50 AM ----------

    I'm regretting that letter SOOOO much right now. I dont wanna go to sleep. If I go to sleep, I'll just fast forward to after my dad already knows. But, there's nothing I can do anyways. :cry:
     
  17. BookDragon

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    Fingers crossed!
     
  18. mbanema

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    I'm sure this waiting period is excruciating, but you definitely did the right thing. Good luck; I sincerely hope you get the love and support that you need. :slight_smile:
     
  19. MaddogMJ5

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    Thanks you guys! :slight_smile:

    I just got home, it's about 8am. My dad has already left for work. The note didn't end up on the garage floor, so I assume it didn't just fall, and that he read it. I'm gonna go back over to my mom's house at about 5:15pm, so I don't even know if I'll see my dad today, I hope I don't, I'm WAAAAY too nervous right now. Anyways, I gotta get to school, I'll update later.
     
  20. MaddogMJ5

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    My dad got home at about 5:00pm. but my friend was over there with me, so I think that stopped him from saying anything. My step dad picked me up about 15 minutes later to go to my mom's house. I'm hoping he leaves a letter for me to receive in the morning. This wait is KILLING ME!!!