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Should I or shouldn't I come out to my friend (complicated situation)?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by ALilConfused, Apr 11, 2014.

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  1. ALilConfused

    ALilConfused
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    This is the same guy talked about in this topic:

    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/famil...ell-another-friend-he-loves-him-platonic.html

    I've been going back and forth on whether or not I should do this.

    Why I'm thinking about it:
    1. He used to flirt with me back when we knew each other.
    2. Doesn't seem to have a problem with gay people.
    3. Even if nothing happened between us, it would still be kind of a wall between us for me to pretend to be someone I'm not.

    Why I'm afraid it might not be the best idea:
    1. Despite number 1 on the other list, he identifies as straight.
    2. I've flirted with him a bit in the past as well, so it might make things a bit awkward.
    3. He's in regular contact with some of my family members and I don't want him telling them.

    What do you think I should do?
     
    #1 ALilConfused, Apr 11, 2014
  2. TJ

    TJ
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    What is the #1 reason you're thinking of coming out to him? Are you hoping that a relationship might spring up? or are you two very close, and you think he should know?

    You also mention that he used to flirt with you back when you knew each other. Do you not talk anymore?

    The main thing comes down to trust. If you trust that he'd not tell anybody and you think it'd be good for him to know, tell him.
    If you don't regularly see him anymore and you wouldn't really benefit from telling him, I don't see any inclination to tell him.
    Just my two cents.
     
    #2 TJ, Apr 11, 2014
  3. ALilConfused

    ALilConfused
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    Maybe both. I mean, I had a pretty big crush on him when we first met and I'd be surprised if he wasn't able to tell that, but it feels like we have more of a brotherly relationship now (a close friendship). Either way, it feels weird for me to keep secrets from him.

    Sorry, I meant to say "back when we first knew each other" (as in, the first year we knew each other). We still see each other very frequently.

    I think I can trust him (I feel safer telling him than anyone else, I suppose), but I'm not the kind of person who trusts easily (probably due to being closeted and paranoid for so long). I know that he probably wouldn't backstab me or anything, but the small possibility of it makes me worried.
     
    #3 ALilConfused, Apr 11, 2014
  4. Holdingb

    Holdingb Guest

    I'm going to say the thing you're going to hate to hear, but, it really is up to you. We can't gauge how your friend will react because we don't know him as much as you do. You can come out, and he sounds like he would be perfectly fine with it, if you are worried that he will be repelled because you used to flirt with him, just tell him that it means nothing and you wanted him to know. If you make clear you want things to stay the same, and he is a close friend, he should understand!

    However, like TJ said, you wrote "when we knew each other." It does make it sound as if you don't talk to him too much, but if I'm taking it the wrong way and you two still hang out, then I would say go for it. That's my advice, still, you should re-evaluate yourself and think of why you're holding(b) back and think if any of them are legitimate reasons not to :slight_smile:

    Good luck if you do, and if you don't I'm sure you'll be just fine!
     
    #4 Holdingb, Apr 11, 2014
  5. TJ

    TJ
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    It is ultimately your choice, as Holdingb said, but I think you'd be alright to tell him. If you both are good friends now and you'd gain something by telling him, I definitely think you should!
    See what happens! :grin:
     
    #5 TJ, Apr 11, 2014
  6. SwimScotty

    SwimScotty
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    It's entirely up to you. Personally, if you think that he would take it well, I think you would be fine to tell him. From what you've said, I don't think it would do much harm. Just because you two flirted doesn't inherently mean that everything will get awkward if you come out to him.
     
    #6 SwimScotty, Apr 11, 2014
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