Coming out at 30

I came out at age 35. In the meantime I got to know people who came out even later. And, sadly, there is quite a number of gays that never find the courage to come out. I never had girlfriends. People mostly expected me to have a girlfriend in the late teens and early twenties. After that, they got used to my being single. Most friends were surprised, but not shocked. All >40! reactions were exclusively positive and supportive! I would not have believed this! My fear was totally irrational. Through coming out I realised how large my circle of friends actually is. Some of my friends later told me that they felt like bad friends due to the fact that they did not expect me to be gay and did not think about that. Most friendships got deeper, they appreciated that I let them closer to me.
I first came out to my mother (my father is no more alive), then brother, then friends. Initially, I did not have the courage to say it in a conversation, so I sent my mother a text message saying I'm gay and that I wanted to visit her and talk about it the next day. Some people might find this impersonal, but this is how I could overcome my fears, and the result was very positive! And then, with the friends, it was mixed. Some of them received a lengthy email, others heard it from me directly. Both ways worked well, but I found it to be easier to send a well formulated email. When I came out in a conversation, it helped to have one or two friends with me who already knew it. This way you have allies on your side.
So, I hope this is answering most of your questions. At least it is an example that a late coming out can also work out very well!

All the best (*hug*)

 

I came out at 36 to my best friend, via a text message one day. For me, too, this was the only way I could gather up the courage to do it. I did apologize to her however for needing to do it in that way. She was understanding...both of the method, and of me. (Accepting, too.)

This was my best friend of over 21 years. A true keeper, in every sense of the word, obviously.

More recently I made an attempt to come out to my mother. I sort of opened the door to the idea, I guess, by sharing a link with her about some different orientations and words for them. So far, she has not picked up the invitation I offered to talk about what I meant when I said I "recognized myself" when I read that link page. But, neither has she acted weirdly or strangely around me, since. *shrug* So, I guess I'm not sure how that's going. (Remains to be seen. Little comments I've heard her make here and there though hint to me that she's struggling in the denial stage or struggling to accept it, privately, perhaps, at the moment.)

---------- Post added 12th Apr 2014 at 10:59 PM ----------

Also I know what you mean when you say sometimes you can't believe you're thinking about doing this. That's exactly what I thought & felt before that initial coming-out text to my best friend.

It's a sense of, "Am I really going to do this?? Once I come out to *1* "real life" person (not a solely internet friend), there's no undoing it...I can't change it back again." And knowing that your life as you know it might change radically and forever. And asking yourself if you're ready - or if it would not just remain easier to never do this?

It's a terrible feeling. :icon_sad:

But, what I am glad of, in life, is that "truth wins." It really does. And truth is better.

I can't tell you what an exhilarating and relieving...well, RELIEF...having gotten through that first coming out was, without having my whole world crash down.

My advice is simply to come out first to the most unconditionally loving person in your "real life" where you think the absolute best chances of success/acceptance lie.

And barring that (if you don't know anybody), come out to someone you might encounter in your day-to-day life who you know is out. I think I actually came out to an out gay co-worker, come to think of it, before my best friend. So..."practice," in those sorts of safe ways, if possible. It'll help build your encouragement & confidence, and feeling that maybe the whole world won't end, after all.

And eventually, you'll get there. That is the way it's happening with me.

Be kind with yourself, patient with yourself, and loving with yourself. And seek all those support resources...like here.

 

Hiya. Yes I am 33 now. So far I have only come out to my mum which I did at 32. I told my mum because I knew she would be accepting. As I always advise, you should come out to someone you trust to accept you first, so you have a pillar of support.

My wife and I recently separated (although we are still best friends) and I have 2 kids. Anyway, I've not come out to my ex-wife yet, not out of fear, but I'd like to find the appropriate time as I know she can be a bit fiery and I have a lot on at the minuet and can't be doing with unnecessary distractions. Also, it's not that being bi had anything to do with our marriage finishing. I also will tell my dad in due time. Other than those in my immediate family, I don't care who else knows. I will probably tell them all soon and may also come out at work if the conversation happens to arise.

Anyway, for me, I think the reason I never came out as bi before is because it was never something I had to deal with. I first got with my partner at early 20's we married and had kids and were together for 13 years. She was also my first girlfriend. As I was in a long term relationship I never thought of or explored my bisexuality and I guess always thought of myself as straight. However, becoming single forced me to have to re-examine myself and I finally accepted to myself I was bi (which accepting it to yourself is the hardest thing). I think looking back in reflection I always knew, based on my behaviour and feelings, but as I said before I never had to deal with it before so was almost in denial.

Anyway, fast forward to now and I fully embrace my sexuality. I feel a more whole person and better for it. I will hopefully be able to come out to my ex and my dad soon. I think they may be shocked, but you know, they'll just have to deal with it.

Happy days

 

Ive come out at 28 so it's never too late i came out to a close friend first

 

I'm in a similar boat. I'm 33, I've dated men for the majority of my life because...well...that's what you do in my family. You go to college, get a good job, get married and have babies. It was a very gradual coming out process for me (both to myself and to others). All that I have left are my parents/aunts/uncle. All my friends, cousins, co-workers know. Also, I have been in a loving, committed relationship with a woman for 8 months. I know it bothers her a TON that she hasn't met my parents and we spend so much time with her family. She says she doesn't want me to come out "for her" and I don't want to do it just because of our relationship. However, it is putting a huge damper on things and I know it's time to sh*t or get off the pot.

My parents occasionally go to church and are pretty far right winged republicans. However, my Mom was talking about their house cleaner the other and mentioned "her partner." It sort of opened the topic and she said she doesn't see anything wrong with it. That everyone should have the right to love who they love. That was very comforting. Then, I asked her what she thought Dad would do if someone in our family was gay and she said "oh, I think he would freak out."

So...here I sit. Still in the closet with my parents. Anyone in the same or was in the same position? Advice would be lovely!

Thanks!

 

I am not in my twenties, actually Im no where close, but the easiest way to came out in my opinion, the way i came out, is via text. It is not the best way, and maybe not the way you should do it but, it is easier to just send all your feelings at once and give the recipient time to process the news. The scariest part of the thought of coming out to me was having to look at my mom as I was doing it, not knowing how she would react to my shocking news, but this made it easier and made me more prepared of how to act when I was around her. Good luck with your journey.

 

I tried to come out in a conversation aboutLGBTQ rights when I was visiting friends two weeks ago. I lost my nerve. The next day before I left to drive home, I bought them a book (Daring Greatly by Brené Brown) as a gift and came out to them in a card attached to the book. I thanked them for being such great advocates for LGBTQ rights. Also let them know they were the first people I had come out to and hoped that they realized how much their friendship meant to me.

Good luck! Everyone is different. For me, it was three years between when I first seriously thought about coming out and now. (I have some anxiety issues that slowed my journey.) Definitely check out Daring Greatly. It helped me to understand my shame and fear.

 

Just came across this thread again! Glad to hear the book helped, and that you have had the courage to come out to some friends. Rock on!

 

Hi! This is an excellent topic, thanks for bringing it up!

I'm 25 and have been thinking a lot of the same thoughts. I've "come out" to my best friend, and that's about it so far. Though, I'm pretty sure there are people in my life who know me well and will be saying a variation of "I wondered" or "I figured" when I come out to on a larger scale.

For me, I've known I've been a varying scale of bisexual since middle school for sure (maybe earlier, but I don't have a clear memory of it). There has been times of questioning in my mind, but all in all, it's pretty clear to me that I'm bisexual, bordering on homosexual.

I haven't come out publicly, on a larger scale, yet, because there hasn't been a need, and I'm not sure how to label myself. I'm comfortable with that for the most part. And, I figure when the time comes and I actually find someone I want to be serious with, it'll all come out. I'm not sure if this is the best way to handle myself. I wish there were a clearer guidebook or something. I just figure why announce myself to the world when I'm not in a position to clearly describe how I feel and I'm also not in a position where an explanation is necessarily needed.

 

I'm 33 I live an hour from my parents and am out to pretty much everyone here. I just came out to my mom last Friday.

The first person I came out to was almost two years ago. I came out to a friend of mine I kinda blindsided him while playing video games. I was coming out to most of my friends when i lost my job and had to move here. As I have made new friends I have told them pretty early on.

My parents are a different story because as you say family and long term friendships are valuable and it really feels like you are risking a lot. I couldn't tell my mom to her face so I wrote a letter and sent it in an email (actually is posted in this section for a bit of proofreading before I sent it).

A lot of people like the letter/email idea because it allows you to say what you want to say without being interrupted. It also allows you to tell someone without being physically present. This allows the person you are telling to collect their thoughts for a bit then you can discuss it after the shock dies. If you do it face to face and you truly blindside someone it can be awkward because you have had all the time you need to gather your thoughts before telling them but they have two seconds to gather their thoughts before responding.

 

Came out as bi' at 35. Then I came out at fifty as gay. It's never too late.