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In a crazy situation...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Zec24, Apr 6, 2007.

  1. Zec24

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    This is a long story so hold on...

    A little about me. I'm 21, female, and originally from NY. I moved around a lot as a kid and never really settled down until high school when I ended up in NC (which I hated). I guess I have always felt there was something different with me. I never felt that I could place myself in a gender. I have never been interested in boys and only sometimes attracted to females. I have never been in a relationship and am a virgin in the strictest sense of the word (no kissing, holding hands, sex, etc.).

    I would say that I started to realize that I had a slight attraction to females when I got to high school (so around 9th grade). While all my friends talked about how so and so (male) was cute or hot, I just couldn't relate to them. My excuse to those who asked about why I didn't like anyone or didn't date was to say I was focused on my work and on the three sports I played in high school. I never really felt like dating anyone in high school though, male or female. I did however like attention I got from females. I left high school feeling like a normal person and not really worried about the fact that I had never dated anyone or been in any sort of relationship. or felt any need to be.

    The fun began when I went to college. When I say fun here I am being quite sarcastic. First of all the college I go to is probably the most ironic choice of all. After being shut up in my very conservative high school I decided to put myself into an even worse college environment. My father has since asked me why I did this to myself. Long story short I am currently at the United States Military Academy at West Point. For some of you the only part of that sentence that struck you was probably the "military" part. Yes I am in the military or will be in a year. I am in my junior year and am now bound to serve in the Army for 5-8 years after I graduate in 08. Don't get me wrong, this is what I want to do. The problem I face is that I can't act on my feelings or allow myself to figure out who I am considering the don't ask, don't tell policy the military has.

    I began considering my orientation in my freshman year in college, but my struggles with my sexuality really came to a head this year. I am not sure what triggered it. I just starting to put a word to what I had been feeling since 9th grade. Well that and one of my friends/roommates was constantly asking me why I did not date or talk about boys. I originally brushed off her questions with a quick "I don't know, I just don't want to." But the more she asked the more vague and hesitant I became. After a period of not asking or pushing me for more info, she finally asked me again during Thanksgiving break this year. She came with me to my family's house in Staten Island for Thanksgiving. For some reason (probably the fact that this was the first time she asked me outside of school grounds) I tearfully admitted to her that I was not attracted to males and sometimes attracted to females. She took it very well. Her brother is in the military and is also gay. She was the first person I had actually admitted my feelings to and it helped break open the flood gates for me. I think I kept her up until 3am that night talking to her about my confusion and feelings. She helped me to feel okay with it, and also told me that my other friends talked about my sexuality amongst themselves. I felt kind of upset by that at first, but then I was curious to know what they had said. I found that my male friends thought that I just didn't like males because I never reacted to any of their flirting. Only one male friend thought I was probably gay. My female friends just thought I wasn't at that point in my life where I was ready for a relationship (who at 21 is not ready!?) and a few even thought I was just asexual. After hearing all this I went back to school and did some research on asexuality. I thought at first that I had found my answer, but then I realized I did not want to be asexual and that I actually wanted to try a relationship (with a female). This is where I currently stand on the issue of my orientation. I guess for me, although I feel like I already know the answer, I need some physical proof or experience to know for sure.

    The last part of this story has to do with the botched attempt I made at coming out to my parents. I wrote my father a letter and emailed it to him at work to get his reaction without letting my mother know. I am not sure why, but I had a strong urge to tell them after talking to my friend. This letter also came as I finished watching the show South of Nowhere (the episode when Spencer's mom finds out about her and Ashley). My father's initial reaction was very supportive. He said we would talk about it whenever I had a free minute. So I called him and we talked. My letter stated that I was not sure whether I was asexual or a lesbian. I tried to make it clear to him that I did not like males. He asked the normal questions (how could I be sure, was it a phase, had I ever tried dating a male). We then agreed that he could break the news to my mother who is a devout Catholic. My father wrote to me and told me that she cried and blamed herself, but that she wanted me to know she still loved me. We didn't really talk again until I got home for Christmas which was an agonizing 2 weeks. I took my final exams in this condition. I almost forgot that I also told my paternal grandmother after talking to my dad. She said, ok, so what? Then proceeded to tell me she thought i was just confused and that I would meet the right man someday. Well, I finally got home. The first few days were awkward and we did not discuss my "issue." Later that week I went to see our deacon at church who talked to me and told me the story about his daughter and her confusion and how she never dated until she was a senior in college and then married that guy a year or two after graduating. I think my parents were and are still hoping this will be the case with me. I then talked to my pediatrician (who also does counseling). She laughed at my situation, but said that i needed to be careful and not let anyone else make this decision for me. Then my parents and I had the talk. My mother basically stated that she felt this was a choice and that I was making the wrong choice, but she would support and love me none the less. My father said his only problem was that I was in the military and that I shouldn't have gone to West Point if I felt this way. He does not have a problem with me being gay, but still thinks its a phase. He said I jumped to the alternative before trying the primary option. I said that for me females were the primary option. I left home in an increased state of confusion and my parents and I have not talked about my "issue" since then.

    I am still confused some days and have let some of my parents arguments get to me. I wish I knew for sure. Most of all though, I wish I knew of someone who was going through the same thing and could give me advice. And so I am here.

    Sorry that this turned out to be a novel and if you are still reading at this point I commend you and thank you.
     
  2. beckyg

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    Zec24 ........ it seems to me that you are worrying too much about "what you are" when you should just relax and enjoy your life. When the right person comes along, you will know for sure about your sexual orientation. You fall in love with a persons heart and soul not their gender anyway.

    Your parents are in their denial phase. My husband told our son "if you'd only 'try' a girl, you'd like it". LOL He knows now how crazy that was. Give them some time.

    Hopefully, the Don't Ask, Don't Tell won't be enforced that much longer. People are realizing how stupid it is to discharge good people from the military based on sexual orientation. Good luck!
     
  3. Jim1454

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    Zec24, it is great that you've developed this awareness of yourself at this point of your life. I was in denial or uncertain for a lot longer than that, unfortunately. I have to agree that you should try not to let others dictate the path that you take, and at the same time not pressure yourself either to figure it all out.

    I wish you all the best. You'll find some great support here.