1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Recently discovered I'm bicurious, meeting guy for first time

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by johnnyrico, Apr 12, 2014.

Thread Tools

Thread Tools

  1. johnnyrico

    johnnyrico
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2014
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    I'm 25 and recently discovered I am interested in guys, although I'm unsure if more or less than women. I've had sex with several women but no 'girlfriend'. Since about 16 I've been self aware of my attraction towards men but the thought of being gay or bi never crossed my mind as I've been able to have strong emotional attachments to a couple of girls. I was under the impression you can be straight and find guys physically attractive.

    Several weeks ago I downloaded a popular dating app on my phone. Sometimes when I was drunk I'd also turn the 'male' search feature on as well as females. Just to see. My curiosity is much stronger when I'm drunk. Sometimes I'll be regretful and embarrassed the next morning and quickly block them.

    This last week I ended up talking to a guy for quite a while, just friendly banter, not sexual at all. Very chill person and pretty attractive. We've been talking all week. He asked me if i was doing anything this weekend and I suggested we grab coffee on sunday (tomorrow). Hitting send on that message created a wave of anxiety but I don't think I am going to flake out. Just talking about it now is making my heart race and my head spin.

    So basically, I have no idea what I want out of tomorrow's meeting (ie. friend, sex, relationship). The thought of divulging even 15% of this information to him is completely out of the question, unless he presses pretty hard. None of my friends and family are gay or bi (to my knowledge), and none of them know I might be. I'm terrified and clueless.

    Any input greatly appreciated.
     
    #1 johnnyrico, Apr 12, 2014
  2. johnnyrico

    johnnyrico
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2014
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Maybe this is the wrong thread. I don't know. I just found this website today in a desperate search to get some advice. So please re-direct me if so. Either way I'm unable to sleep at this point. Even thinking about meeting a guy, I'm seriously having second thoughts at this point. Am I leading him on and wasting his time? I'd hate to treat another human being as a guinea pig for my own uncertainties. Historically I make bad decisions in relationship matters and end up sabotaging things unintentionally.
     
    #2 johnnyrico, Apr 13, 2014
  3. MisguidedGhost

    MisguidedGhost
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 13, 2014
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Male
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hey there! :smilewave
    First off, I want to start with saying that our sexual orientation is not a soup can - sometimes you just can't put labels on it. That is nothing you should be worried about and absolutely not something to be ashamed of. After all it is a part of who you are, no matter how strong or weak. So if you fall for a girl, you fall for a girl. If you fall for a guy, you fall for a guy. No need to put yourself into some categories. Maybe as time passes by you will eventually find out who you really are and what your desires are, some people wait ages to find out, some people know it since the day they were born. Again, we are all different.
    I am saying this because it sounds to me as if you were really ashamed of liking men. I mean, what is so bad about that? It doesn't necessarily mean you are gay, it doesn't make you a worse person, it just means that you sometimes like to think about men. Not a big deal.

    About the meeting, it seems to me as if you either are really afraid of what you may find out about yourself or that you really care about the meeting. Either way I think that going there should be fun, you get to know a person you have talked to for a long time. You don't have to be attracted to him at all, you can even develop some feelings, you can find out that you don't care about him at all, you can find a friend for life. I mean, what can you lose? A few hours of your life and five dollars?
    If I were you, I would definitely go there. Nothing to worry about. You seem like a really nice guy, go for it!

    Good luck and keep us updated! :slight_smile:
     
    #3 MisguidedGhost, Apr 13, 2014
    Last edited: Apr 13, 2014
  4. johnnyrico

    johnnyrico
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2014
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    I really appreciate the words. It seems like common sense but sometimes you just need to hear it from someone else. It helped greatly. Maybe I am ashamed. If so, I'm actually ashamed of that; if that makes any sense. I really don't want to be and it makes no logical sense. I have known a fair amount of people who were gay (I went to music school for 4 years in a large US city known for it's gay community) but never became close friends with any; more as friendly colleagues as fellow musicians and students. I have massive amounts of disdain for homophobia and discrimination of all kind. So it's confusing that I'd be ashamed of myself for these traits, when I don't pass judgement on others.

    The 'date' (hate labels) went well. Honestly I'd rather call it something else but the word escapes me and that's not important. I arrived a couple minutes early and sat at an outside table, more nervous than I can recall in years. Felt like I was asking a girl to prom all over again. Did I mention I'm 25? Sweaty palms and heart racing, I was dreading his arrival. Do I stand up from my table? Do I shake hands? Hug? Maybe just a hello? I've had plenty of dates with females and I consider myself fairly charming and chivalrous in my behavior. But this was different. It was surreal. I was physically shaking.

    He arrived, I stood up and we shared a brief hug. He went inside to grab a coffee then came back out. After an hour and half of good conversation, covering light hearted and meatier topics of mutual interests, disinterests, passions, previous experiences (basic first date stuff), he said he had to leave but would like to meet again. Shared another hug, and parted ways.

    I didn't expect it to make things more clear to me. It didn't. I still know I find him pretty attractive and I could definitely see us being friends. Other than that I still feel rather lost in what I'm supposed to feel. The following hour I had this strange glazed feeling. Half relief, half holy **** did that just happen?! I'm glad I did it for sure. I think I want to see him again. I can't pin down why though; attraction, friendship, or testing to see where my sexual preferences lie. At what point should I be expected to answer questions about my sexuality, closet-ness, or relationship goals with this guy? I'm almost certain I would be a poor choice for a gay relationship at this point, as I'm quite the mess.

    That's the follow up. Thank you again for the words. Helped significantly. Still rather lost but I figure the first step is the greatest. I'm thinking about talking to my older sister who I'm insanely close with. This would be the first person I talked to about me potentially not being straight.
     
    #4 johnnyrico, Apr 14, 2014
  5. MisguidedGhost

    MisguidedGhost
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 13, 2014
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Male
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hey there once again! :smilewave
    I have to say I was smiling all the way through your post, it just reminded me of how I first felt when I was about to tell someone I was really interested in them. Don't take this as this is the way you're supposed to feel, I get that you can be very confused right now.
    I have to say once again, sexual orientation isn't always black and white, you can be straight but be attracted just to that one guy, you can be attracted to someone only if you feel an emotional attachment, you can be bisexual but have a preference for women. It is not always something we can perfectly determine or put in some categories, sometimes we just have to accept it the way it is and learn how to be happy with it. The reason I'm saying this is that I feel as if you were really confused about what you're supposed to feel, not what you really feel. But really, it is nothing you should be worried about, we're all different. After all my boyfriend doesn't find any interest in any men other than me, that is one of the reasons I'm telling you this. I understand why you're confused and I have to tell you it is absolutely normal to be confused. Some people discover their true orientation in their 50's :slight_smile:

    What I would want to tell you is that no matter what you discover about yourself, always embrace it. Denying yourself just because of some fear you may have will only make things worse, trust me on this one.

    As you have said, the 'date' went well, you enjoyed it and had a good time. I understand that the fact you liked it and had a good time and still find him attractive made you maybe even more confused than before. I think from this point, you should give it some time, take a moment and think about it. Do you feel a sexual attraction to that person? Do you feel an emotional attachment? Would you want to be with that person? Does he make you happy? Is he just your friend or something more? Do you find him attractive? Maybe you could even go through this website and read some stories from others, that could help aswell. You may find a lot of people who had felt the same way.

    I think talking to your sister would be great, not only you get the chance to talk about it with someone in person, she could help you with how you feel. But I still think that you should think about what you feel first. After all you can't talk with someone about something you can't really name :slight_smile:

    Keep us updated! I'm really curious to what happens next. Good luck with everything

    (Excuse the mistakes I may have made, I'm not from an english speaking country.)
     
    #5 MisguidedGhost, Apr 14, 2014
  6. resu

    resu
    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2013
    Messages:
    4,968
    Likes Received:
    395
    Location:
    Oklahoma City
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    You seem to be really level-headed and relatively non-judgmental for someone who's questioning a big part of their identity. As long as you're honest with this guy that you may not be ready for a relationship, this seems like a perfect opportunity to develop your first close friendship with a gay man. There must be something in him or your discussion with him that made you feel so comfortable enough to meet him in person.

    I agree that it may be best to first develop some idea before going to your sister. If she is straight, she may not have much more advice to give on figuring out your sexuality (actually the guy you met is a good choice for that). But, your closeness to your sister will allow you to be more honest, and you might be the type who prefers to talk things out with someone else. She may even have suspected things about you (many times kids display "gender atypical traits" way before their sexuality is known).

    Also, feel free to discuss with anyone here. There are members who are on the complete spectrum in terms of being out and knowing their sexuality, from young teens to older people who may have been in heterosexual marriages for decades. You are in a good position since you're single and old enough to be independent. I'm also 25, and though I knew I was gay from around 7-8th grade, I've been stuck in the closet and never even had relationships with girls. I sometimes have regrets about not coming out earlier, but I realize that I was just waiting for the right opportunity (in my case moving 1000 miles from home to a new university to escape all the baggage of my family).
     
    #6 resu, Apr 14, 2014
  7. johnnyrico

    johnnyrico
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2014
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Thanks everyone for the words and support, it truly means a lot. I've been thinking and I agree with what you've mentioned about taking some time and having some honest reflection before approaching someone about it. It makes sense. How could I talk to someone about something when I don't even know what that 'something' is at this point.

    As of the last few days I've taken a break from smoking pot and I've cut back significantly on drinking. My genetics are extremely prone to physical and psychological addiction and I know it affects the way I think and feel. Just trying to have as much mental clarity as possible at this point to attempt to figure it out. I've noticed more anxiety for sure, but self medication in that sense is not a solution.

    I apologize but I don't have much of an update as of yet. I did have a little high school moment after I sent him just a little hello/small-talk text (this is a day after our brief get together). After anxiously waiting or pretending to keep busy I did get a very nice reply which made me kind of light up. Which I'm a little embarrassed to admit at my age:icon_redf.

    I figure at this point I need to slow down, relax, not bombard myself with questions and expectations, and just do what feels right. Obviously easier said than done, but one step at a time. Thanks again.
     
    #7 johnnyrico, Apr 15, 2014
  8. Jeff

    Jeff
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2012
    Messages:
    263
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Boystown, CA, USA
    Treat it as any friendship you care about. Don't try and think of it as dating or anything that sounds difficult for you. Don't try and put any labels on it, or any labels on yourself.

    You are smart to cut back on drinking and smoking. This could be a really nice friendship and exploring for you. Even if nothing more, that right there is pretty nice.
     
    #8 Jeff, Apr 15, 2014
(You must log in or sign up to post here.)