I'm a serious butt-head.

Ok, that's one of my another "discovering myself" threads. Or it had been discovered earlier, and I have to write it all down. I can't even bottle this piece of thing up.

I admit that I'm socially inept. Yes, I'm pretty screwed around people. I can't be too comfortable with people around. And yes, I may did stupid things when with new people.

Yesterday, I went to an outing with my old friends, and one of them noticed about my behaviour. When I was back, so he MSN-chat with me about my behaviour. He said that well, uh... I have problems socializing. He added that I had improved a lot, but still need polishing.

Ok, I agree with that. Not wanting to make myself or anyone the culprit of MY "disorder", I shall list it ALL down:

1.) I was a self-righteous person before. When I was young, I had always wanted to be right. I didn't know why, but it felt good to be right, because I could have gotten myself praises. When I grew older, and entered college, I began to drop this mentality however, and moved on. I can't always 'win' to win the game. I must learn from my mistakes. I still have a small degree of this thinking, and I have to eradicate it.

2.) I suck at sports. Ok, sports ISN'T my forte. I dunno why. My worst blunders all came when I played a bowling, tennis or whatever. When I started playing bowling for the first time in my 22 years of my life, I tumbled. And I can't hold a pool cue properly. I ended up hitting the ball too hard, or too forceful. All is a farce for me if I ever mention about sports. I can never do anything perfect with sports. Maybe I'm pessimistic, or maybe I'm just not good at it. In fact, I'm NOT interested in sports. I'm INTERESTED in anything electronics and anything computers. And my parents told that it IS a disorder.

And worse, when I was younger, I once got kicked out of a badminton club in a primary school because I was incompetent in it. I couldn't EVEN re-enter, and to my worst embarrassment, I was BARRED from entrance. And my parents, they kept forcing me to play badminton because it is a symbol of 'status'. However, all isn't that good. First, it WAS my fault because of my idiotic "always want to win" behaviour. I gave up easily because "I wanted to win". Second, my parents wasn't encouraging either, they slapped (not literally) me with the words "idiot", "dumb-shit", "baka" and other words which is not nice to hear for a 10 yr old person. In the end, I didn't enter much of the student bodies because, all my parents wanted was the "badminton club" and nothing else. They couldn't even let me enter the Red Cresent Society because the uniforms were too fucking expensive (I bet it WAS an excuse). And worse, my pa did reprimanded me for being 'lazy' and 'stupid' because I didn't enter any clubs, when I was already BARRED into my badminton club, and there was no other places to enter. It truly stank for the first time of my life.

3.) I'm uh... pessimistic. I did always fish for people's symphaties. That was one of my stupid behaviours as well. I hate myself for that too sometimes. When i had depression from late 2005-2006 I was overwhelmed with dejections and rejections. I would have dissed myself to gain my own support. Compliments.

4.) My overly excessive self-comparing. Yes, that what all brought myself down into my own deepest of all troubles. I did wanted academic fame, like my brother. My brother was a top student, and also for now when he graduated, but I'm not. I'm just an average Joe with average results, not too good, not too shitty. Yet, my parents complained when my HSC results isn't good either, which was 2Bs and 2Cs. There went their blames, and there went MY blames.

5.) My excessiveness of "practicality". I'm too practical. I don't do something if that doesn't benefit me. And that's why some of my people really got irritated of my behaviour. I used a simple phone, I don't go to cinema and watch movies, and I don't do anything fancy. My homework, my coursework, and my works, are all very serious, formal, and drab. Think of my works as some engineering journals, you will know. Nothing actually shines in front of me if you see me.

6.) Oh, and, my finicky behaviour and my very picky behaviour of girls. I can't stand bitchy girls, or girls with horrible behaviour. Only last week, one of my guys asked me for my bitchy girl coursemate's phone number and name on behalf of his friend. Out of my god damned reflex action, I lashed out, "There is no way he gonna get this girl. She's totally horrible, and better not let him risk a heart-broken moment".

I had already solved my problems 1 , 3 and 4, but not 2, 5 and 6.

In summary, I admit that I'm socially inept. Before entering college, I exhibited horrible behaviour, because I wanted to compare and I wanted to win. Now, I couldn't anymore. I couldn't want to compare, or I couldn't want to be too overly-competitive. I wanted to do ALL my stuff on my own.