Mum found my porn. Advice?

In the future you can password protect your personal stuff. I know it does not help now, but with a little research you can protect your privacy better.

 

She must have really been snooping to find it then. Do you know if she suspects your orientation?

Perhaps you should ask her if she's been on your computer. Just say it's because several files seem to have vanished. You need not specify which files they are. Just say you want to make sure you haven't picked up a computer virus or something.

Happy days

 

Is it so terrible that your mum knows that you are bi?

If she was to react badly then surely she would have said something by now? Only you know your mum, but if she was bad then why has she not mentioned anything?

You two both know your secret, but she may not know that you know about finding it so would it not be easier to bring it up yourself? Remember she may be shocked and confused herself, especially has you have a gf.

Only tell her if your comfortable, but if she knows any way then mentioning it and reassuring her you are the same person can do no harm right?

 

Calm down a little. Maybe she just feels uncomfortable with you watching porn at all and not with the fact that it's gay porn. It seems like a good idea to just ask her If she was on your computer casually and see what she has got to say.
Is there a chance that she might have seen it's porn but not necessarily that it's gay porn? (Perhaps this is very unlikely, but still) Like,did you name it particularly clear?
But most importantly: Don't act as If you got something to hide. In the end she wasn't the one who deleted your porn but gets suspicious because of your behavior.

 

Honestly, if I were you, I'd just pretend nothing happened, unless she brings it up. And if she does bring it up, say as little as possible so as not to share more than she may even suspect.

Three weeks from now, it's unlikely either of you are still going to be thinking about this, so chill out, it's going to be fine.

And, er, if you must watch porn, don't do it on the family computer...? Or at least don't save anything (I'm assuming you know about private browsing).

 

I can't stand snooping parents :tantrum: , My mom is always in my stuff and I always have to hide things she can't get on my laptop because I locked it all the time . If she found out I was here she would ban me from the internet but I do have my phone now with internet hehe:badgrin:. . In your case I think you should not keep them in folders .

 

I'd be really freaked if I was in your position too, but you don't know yet that she was the one who got on your computer... Ultimately it's your decision what to do, but I think you should use this situation to try to maybe talk to your mom about what you think you know. It's between you and her, and you're probably going to be really uncomfortable every single time you're around her until you clear this up.

 

Hopefully she forgets it:>

Be prepared to have dialog about you-oh- exploring how to process feelings and that you are being careful to not do anything for a long time. That gets you two communicating.

 

Oh boy...that's all I can say after reading that! That must have been an intense and awkward conversation...

I'm sorry you went through that but... NO porn on a family computer!!! (I think you learned that the hard way!)

yes, I'm scolding!

 

So quick thing to understand before you let this all get into your head and drive you insane.

You notice how your mum asked you some pretty INSANE questions and then moved from insane questions to prevention?

Try not to take those immediately to heart. Shock does weird things to people and they say some pretty awful things sometimes. I'm not saying she will DEFINITELY accept it sooner or later, I'm just saying there is a chance that she doesn't actually mean the things she said to you the way she said them.

The thing is, by the sounds of things she is basically TRYING to look out for your best interests. Unfortunately, she's doing the typical 'parent' thing where it is assumed that your best interests are a combination of the 'easiest' option and the 'normal' option.

I know you didn't want to talk to your mum, but she's brought it up now and the door is open.

Right now, you are basically not sure where you stand. If you're not sure of your orientation that is fine, but you basically need to make sure your mum understands that if it turns out that you are NOT completely straight, that you aren't ashamed of that and she shouldn't be either.

You need to take your time to figure things out, and your mum needs to give you that time. You won't get it if she's trying to stop you from being 'influenced' by gay things.

Doesn't need to be a long conversation, or any kind of conversation.

Personally I'd just give her a note with the following written on it:

Dear mum,

After our talk today I wanted you clear some things up.

I do not know what my orientation is at the moment. I might be bisexual, but I'm not sure. I need time to figure that out.

What I AM sure about it that not being straight isn't something to be ashamed of. I need to know that you can be supportive whatever I discover about myself. I need time to figure myself out.

I'm not going to be avoiding my friends or changing my habits. People don't change your orientation. Having a gay friend didn't cause me to be gay. It just doesn't work like that.

I don't need to talk to anyone about it right now, but if I do in the future, I need to know I have some control over it. I am not looking to change anything I want to discover it.


____

Something like that.

 

Aww man, sorry about that. I hope things get better soon! =/

 

Wow, and I thought my mom was nosy.

There's nothing wrong with indulging in pornography every now and again as long as you use it responsibly. It's like alcohol, you can drink responsibly and in moderation and it can be a good thing, or you can abuse it and it will harm you in the end.

 

OK, so basically your mum *wants* you to be straight, but you probably already knew that, right? Hell, *you* probably want to be straight too? I know I did when I was a teenager. But you don't get a choice, and she certainly doesn't get a choice either.

You can only deal with the reality as you see it. You said you think you're Bi. That's fine, and she should accept that. If you later become more sure that you're gay, that will be fine too. And if you later figure out you're actually straight, that's completely fine as well.

"She said she found the porn. She said she's not mad and asked if I was gay. I tried denying everything and that didn't really work at all. She apparently copied the files and asked if I wanted to go through it with her (I obviously didn't so said I might be Bi)."

Well done. You stood up for yourself and told her the truth as you see it - "I might be bi" That took a lot of guts.

"She asked how things were with my gf and whether we had had sex. Asked if I needed her to buy condoms and kind of encouraged me to fool around with her which was embarrassing."

Pressuring you to have sex is wrong. Your mum has no business telling you to do that. You're well within your rights to tell her that's a bit creepy. Talking about (and providing condoms) is fine. In fact, that's good parenting (although obviously embarassing for both of you!) Well done mum!

"Asked if I had had sex with a boy. Asked if I thought I would be a top or bottom with guys (I was horrified). Said she didn't want me to die from HIV (thanks?)."

top or bottom? eeeek! Absolutely none of her business. HIV is scary, though. Particularly for those who were around in 80's, it is really scary. Promise her that you will always be safe - and stick to that promise.

"Said she wanted me to get married and have kids."

That's emotional blackmail. YOU CAN'T CHANGE YOUR SEXUALITY TO SUIT HER.
Anyway, in most of the civilised world, now you can get married and have kids.

"Said she didn't want guys at school to pick on me. She said she didn't think it was a good idea to hang out with my mate who's gay anymore since its a bad influence."

Gay is NOT a disease!

"She brought up crap (are we allowed to curse here btw ?) about not having a father figure and how thats her fault."

I think, given the circumstances you're allowed to curse, but keep it gentle! - She's trying to make sense of it and stupidly blaming herself for something that isn't even a problem.

"She brought up some things I don't really like talking about"

Oh god, I'm guessing it's the "were you abused as a child" thing, or something similar. AAArgh! FWIW, I understand there is no evidence that early childhood experiences, or abuse influence your sexual orientation.

"and said she would take me to a shrink if i didn't want to talk about it with her, which i didn't. I don't particularly want to deal with a shrink either."

My advice is to take her up on that. A shrinks job is simply to help you figure things out, and make sense of stuff. Sounds like that could be helpful right now?

"Apparently she also found a lighter and asked if I was smoking. I think that's pretty much everything. I basically just sat on my bed and stared at the wall the entire time until she wanted a hug and left. On one hand I'm less stressed now but on the other i'm still insanely embarrassed."

Basically, I think your mum is a bit out of her depth with this. She's trying to do the right thing, but actually doing completely the wrong thing! The danger is that you try to please her and force yourself to *be straight* which will cause you a lot of pain. Many of us have been pushed (or pushed ourselves) back into the closet and deeply regret it later on in life.

You can't help who you are - and you can't change your sexual orientation. You're at a time in your life when you're finding out what it is. That's your journey, that she cannot influence. It's her job to support you.