So, a little about me.... I am 21 years old and am from America. My parents are from Mexico and are somewhat conservative. They believe in family honor and take action if something is not what it should be. Because of this I grew up very sheltered and extremely concerned with how everyone views me. I love them and everything I do is to make them proud. They go above and beyond with everything they do for me and they give me everything they never had as children. Currently, I am a senior in college, dual majoring in Education. I love college and enjoy it everyday. I am a fairly social guy and also joined a fraternity my freshmen year. Some of the guys in it are my best friends and I don't think I would have made it far without them. Recently, I've been questioning my whole life. I've always been attracted to guys but I was always in denial about it and just never thought much of it. No one could tell I was gay, so I just never thought about it. I've never been a fan of labels. However, now when I think about the word gay, I think about the possibility of that being a part of me and I'm not sure I want that. NO ONE knows I'm gay and sometimes it's hard not to have someone to talk to about this part of my life. I just have so many questions. Does things like this get better when you come out? Are gay guys ever happy with love? Is there the one for us? Would it be better to just pretend? How to you deal with your life changing after coming out? What about parent?What about my career? How do you manage? Experiences w/ love? There have been 3 times here in college where I thought I was in love with a guy and I wanted to just be with him, but all those times never worked out. My first time was with one of our pledges, my sophomore year. We hung out a lot and would sometimes just pass out on my bed together just watching tv. We also kissed a few times. We never talked about it, but it was all innocent. Being with him definitely ran through my head a bit. That was until, he became really involved with drugs and I just couldn't deal with it anymore. We had a heated argument and we didn't speak to each other for a whole year. We're friends now but he is a completely different person than he was back then, and we definitely don't talk about our past. The second was my junior roommate and it was something I didn't expect. He was a football player for our school and had just transferred from a different school. He was sure built like a football player but he was definitely not like most. He was quiet and not very social. He relied on me a lot for things and I definitely wasn't interested in him at first, but then something changed. As I introduced him to my friends he became social and fun. After, he quit the football team he became almost attached to me and at first I liked it but then it became more like a relationship then a friendship. In public my friends would tell us we acted like an old couple and after a while staying in our dorm together was the only time we were happy. We would do embarrassing facials together, have water fights in the room, and even watch stupid shows like Glee with me. It wasn't until a formal for my fraternity that everything became serious. After our formal we all rented a block of hotels and partied. At this point I was scared of where everything was heading and I just wanted some space to clear my head. He would constantly look for me though and I'd do everything to avoid him. It wasn't till he was sitting with a girl who was all over him that I discovered I did care. I pulled him outside the hotel room and we had a long talk. He told me about his past about being anti-social and how he was glad to have me in his life. It was the first time I ever saw him cry. That night we ended up sleeping together somehow and I just remember him grabbing me and telling me how much he wanted me, but we couldn't do anything because there was another bed next to us with my fraternity brother passed out. I passed out but i remember waking up with him spooning me and I wish we could have stayed like that forever but I didn't want anyone to see us like that and quickly went to the bathroom and got ready for the day. The next day he wanted to talk about what happened, but I was once again afraid and said I didn't remember and he agreed. It kind of hurts to look back and realize that was probably my biggest mistake. Since losing his scholarship, our days together were numbered and I blocked it from my mind. One night partying in my room, my roommate, friend, and my fraternity brother's gf went out to eat. I was so tired that night, it was 6am,but he made me come because he promised we'd be through the drive through and quick, but he lied and got a table. I was mad at him but through texted gibberish he was telling me he was sorry and I let it go. Until he wanted to continue the party, we all wanted to sleep but my brothers gf offered her place to continue. I refused it but he insisted. He ultimately yelled at me and told me "We aren't dating, are we?" It felt like the biggest punch to my face ever. I was embarrassed and it hurt a lot. I went back to my dorm room alone while my fraternity brother's who passed out there tried to figure out what happened. I don't understand why but it hurt a lot, I didn't want to cry and I didn't want to yell but I just knew I could never be the same. The next day, after I locked him out of the room, he claimed he had no memory of anything but I was honestly sick of that excuse. I couldn't take it anymore and I went out all day. He tried contacting me but I didn't respond. Until he started text my best friend about how pissed he was at me. That's when I knew I was done, That night me and my fraternity brothers went out and partied, they talked about how I was changing and how glad they were to have back. After a few days of not talking, before break, we were cleaning our room. When we were done he asked me, if we were going to be okay. I just responded telling him the my brother was coming and i would appreciate if we could pretend to be fine. He got mad and pretended to fall asleep. It was awkward when my brother came to get me, but I was ready for break. When I came back to school my friend threw a small party and I went. Everything was good until this guy I hated brought my roommate along. He tried to pull me aside and talk to me but I didn't want to talk there so I ignored him and continued. This happened a lot and I guess I should have talked, but my fantasy with him had long ended. It wasn't the same for him though and he just became more and more angry at me. He would play songs about hating love whenever I was in the room and one song in particular would be in repeat like he was trying to tell me something. I worried a bit so I told a one of our new pledges to be his friend and stuff. At our going a way party for our friend, My roommate crashed it pretty much obliterated with alcohol and I knew this was bad. He would bump into me on purpose and yell things at me from across the room. I didn't mind them but then I was out on the porch talking with friends and he comes outside talking about how no one loves him. One of my friends told him that people did like him and he turns around and says well someone here doesn't. At that point after a few drink, I was sick of his stuff and yelled at him to look at me. I yelled at him how he was right, how I didn't like him anymore and how I couldn't wait till he was gone from the school next semester. That's when he put his hands on me and tried to carry me away from the party. People were trying to get him off me and one of the guys who lived there was PISSED and tried fighting my roommate. As I looked back, I saw my roommate cry again and I was reminded of that first time. Suddenly all I could think about was, what have I done? I ran and began crying once again I had this problem and no one could help me no one could tell me what to do. My best friend calmed me down but he was furious at everything that happened and drove me back to my room grabbed most of my stuff and took me to stay at his apartment until school was over. I somehow knew it was all over then, but once it was done I didn't know how to feel. According to his Facebook,(yeah I never had the courage to delete him, but I guess neither did he) he has recently started dating a girl. She's definitely ugly though so I don't really care. However, looking back he was probably the best guy I had ever met or will probably ever meet. Sometimes I wonder if I would re-do things, but I honestly don't know... Currently I'm on round 3 of stupid relationships like this, but that one is coming to an end as well.
Self acceptance is one of the biggest things to deal with and I'm not sure you have reached that point yet. On your profile, you identify yourself as gay, but your posting seems more questioning about that. Do you feel as though you have reached a point of self acceptance, or is there some way to go? To deal with some of your questions: Do things get better when you come out? Yes, I think so. For me, it felt like a weight was lifted and I no longer had to hide or conceal things. The pretending and avoiding is really hard to manage long term. Are gay guys ever happy with love? Yes, definitely. You don't always find 'the one' at the first attempt, but when you do, the feeling of contentment, happiness and love is very real. I'm in a long term relationship myself. Would it be better to just pretend? Pretend what exactly? If you mean, pretend to not be who you really are, then my answer would be no. It's hard to sustain the pretense and it will never leave you. It could do you a great deal of harm over the long term. How do you deal with your life changing after coming out? Well, for me, life didn't change that much and nor did I. We are not completely defined by our sexual orientation and the course of our life is not dictated by the mere fact that we are attracted to the same sex (or both sexes for some). Parents - can be tricky. If your parents have conservative values they may not take it well, but it's not like we choose who we are. We don't wake up one morning and decide to be gay or bi and we don't choose it to hurt our parents or offend God (or whatever else gets thrown at us in anger when we come out). Before telling parents it's a good idea to build up a network of support and friendship. Tell people who can be trusted first as you may need them later for support. Careers - you can still have a fantastic career. Being gay does not affect your ability to perform well in a job. Many gay people are highly qualified and successful at what they do.... Doctors, Lawyers, Teachers, Business leaders, politicians... How do you manage? - Not exactly sure what you mean by this, but I feel as though I manage okay. Others do too. Self acceptance, coming out and relationships can be difficult. It's a process that takes some people time, effort and energy and it isn't without its ups and downs and anxieties, but I think it's worth the risk and walk into the unknown for long term happiness. We often have to take risks to gain the rewards! Life is like that. When I look back at how things were for me in the closet and think about some of my past dating and relationships, it wasn't great. Things went wrong, I made mistakes and hit some lows, but I bounced back and I learned things about myself too. I've tried not to repeat the mistakes and be more clear about my wants and needs from a relationship. You are much younger than me, so don't feel too discouraged or put yourself under too much pressure. Think about who you are, what you want and how you might get there and keep talking to us for support. Hope some of this helps
I don't think that experiencing a bad relationship should discourage you about your sexuality too much (if I read correctly). It's not as if straight people wish they weren't straight after a breakup.
