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Everything kind of imploded today.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Trentacles, Apr 18, 2014.

  1. Trentacles

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    I essentially had my first really bad experience with coming out and i'm basically regretting ever telling anyone now. I'm really sorry if this comes off as chaotic but i've been really upset all day and i've been in a really bad place mentally and don't really know what to do or how to handle things. so far i've just avoided everyone but that isn't going to get me anywhere. I've been trying to process things and i was probably to trusting since things had been going good and i definitely got ahead of myself and should have paced myself with telling people but whatever since its too late now.

    so for those that don't know… i basically i came out to my mum and brother on monday night. i'm the idiot who's mum found his porn in the other thread, and i've been providing updates there but people keep responding to my first post which i'm way past so i kind of want to abandon that thread since people keep pointing out how stupid i am for not password protecting the files (thanks captain hindsight). on tuesday i broke up with my gf (didn't tell her why) and tried to come out to my gay mate (alex) and didn't, but did on wednesday, and we fooled around after school yesterday.

    anyway, everything basically fell apart today at swim practice early today and somewhat at school (which i skipped) but the cat was out of the bag by then so whatever. so basically before practice i was sitting with a smallish group of guys i thought i could trust since i'm really close to them and they're fine with my gay mate, Alex. so i told them and they were pretty surprised (i didn't say anything about fooling around with alex though someone made the joke that we should date which i shrugged off) and i asked them to keep it quiet. i mean i think they're generally fine with me but one of them (no idea who) told my ex-gf's brother who is on the team with me and that's where things got so f-ed up.

    apparently while i was showering after swimming he took all my clothes and threw them in the loo and him and a couple of his mates pissed on them and then he started verbally harassing me. i tried to avoid any confrontation but got really angry when my stuff was missing and definitely could have handled myself better but i honestly don't even care. someone got the coach and he stepped in and someone ratted him out and said the clothes were in the loo, which they were. i'm somewhat thankful he didn't destroy my phone but at the same time i'm never touching those clothes again. some of the guys lent me some things to wear and i called my mum to pick me up. but like i obviously didn't have anything to wear to school with me so skipped going though to be fair my mum offered to bring me some. honestly i needed to not go anyway because i just wanted to beat the :***: out of everyone i told and i needed the time to calm the f down.

    but anyway like i've gotten a lot of texts and fb messages asking either if its true or if i'm ok. i've avoided them all (except my brother since i didn't want him to think i died or anything). i also got a random snapchat pic from someone though i have no idea who the f it was from but thanks i guess though i feel like it was someone mocking me. I'm sure everyone knows now and i'm really embarrassed and i've actually cried a lot (masculine i know). my ex-gf posted on fb saying that apparently her bf was a poofter and tagged me though i untagged it but that just removed the link to my profile and not what she said. its really f-ing painful to watch people "like" or comment on it though. i should probably just unfriend her so i can't see it. i have privacy settings so i have to approve things before they go on my timeline so it's not on mine but still on hers. i texted her to ask her to remove it and she was a :***: about it so whatever. though she did eventually apologize about her brother so i guess that's something. i mean i'm sure some people gossiped at school so its not like her deleting it will make everything go away. some people have tried to write on my timeline and it's mainly supportive which i guess is better than nothing. i noticed my friend count went down by 4 though but i don't know who unfriended me looking through my list so its probably not anyone i care about.

    anyway, i have a swim meet tomorrow that will probably be a good gauge over how people treat me. the exgf's brother was told he can't be there (and he has to pay for my clothes) so i still kind of want to go to compete. like i really don't know how to handle this other than to just not act like it bothers me but it does. its like yeah, i'm gay and so what? but at the same time i'm really embarrassed and just want to avoid everyone and be alone. i really want to confront the guys i told and figure out who screwed me over but i don't want to be a complete dick about it either.

    i honestly debated not posting this since i don't want to bother people and i don't want to be f-ing depressing or and make people think its not okay to come out (i was really happy before this happened so it's probably usually a good thing) but i really needed to vent because i hate being this angry. anyway sorry to rant and sorry for the long post.
     
  2. TJ

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    Ranting is welcome and encouraged! :thumbsup:

    You've got every reason to be angry and irritated because you've been very mistreated. You're right - why does it matter so much? You're gay, I'm gay. Who the hell cares haha.

    Unfortunately, you're kind of at the age where things like this are made into a big deal.

    What I recommend you do is just move on. Coming out opens a whole new can of worms, as you've seen; some people will treat you differently, some will treat you the same, and some people will absolutely despise you. That's not going to change when you leave school. Those idiots are everywhere, and you can't let them get to you. There are TONS of supportive people out there too, so don't focus solely on the negative ones.

    Don't pretend like this never happened - it did. You can be angry.
    But if you don't want to be the centerpiece of gossip around your school, don't bring it up again. It'll just result in more drama.

    I'm sorry you had some bad experiences coming out. (*hug*) But it sounds like a lot of the folks you came out to aren't opposed to it or unsupportive. Focus on those friendships. :slight_smile:
     
  3. Trentacles

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    Yeah, i probably should just pretend like nothing happened when i go back to school since i don't want people to think it bothered me and just play it cool. i'll just say i didn't have anything to wear, which is the truth. the only good thing to come out of this is that everyone knows so i guess i have nothing to hide now, though i'm still very apprehensive about openly having a bf. i mean the biggest issue is that i just need to get over being embarrassed about being gay which is proving difficult but i'm sure i'll get over it sometime.

    thanks for the advice
     
  4. a1rborne

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    I'm so sorry to hear what happened. On one hand what they did was definitely not OK, on the other hand I have the impression that you rushed things a little. Telling your girlfriend, for example, that you like her as a person but not romantically, because you're gay, might have saved you a lot of problems here. So I'd recommend to slow down a little with your coming out, if it's not too late to do so, and to plan a bit more ahead. Take your time.

    I'd ignore all those idiots as best as possible. Accept that you'll be the centre of attention for a few days or weeks and that people will gossip about you. This is absolutely normal and can not be avoided, so don't fight it. You'll see that many people will react positively, focus on those! These folks will also have questions, answer them in a calm and positive way! You'll loose some friends, but you will also gain new friends through this process. And the friends you loose were probably not worth having in the first place. Be aware that this process will likely take a few weeks. And after that, the life will be back to normal and someone or something else will be the centre of attention. So for the moment, slow down, stay calm, control your temper, don't hurt other people's feelings, stay positive! Lesson learnt: If you tell someone that you're gay, don't expect them to keep quiet about it. It's better to anticipate this and to even plan it in in your coming out process. Even clearer would be if you explicitly allow them to spread the news (this is what I did and it worked well, this saved me some complicated discussions :icon_wink ).

    I wish you all the best and cheer up, life will be back to normal soon! (*hug*)
     
  5. Clay

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    Well sorry to hear that.

    Ultimately things are out of your hands here. You're going to get asked a lot at school, and even if you deny it probably wont change anything. People wont believe you seeing as though some people heard it from the horses mouth.

    Anyway the best thing to do would be just not to deny it. You're going to be the centre of attention for the next few weeks, but eventually people will get over it. Something new will happen and people will forget about you.

    I'd definately talk to teachers if you get bullied though. Also, have you spoken to your mum about this? She said she's there for you, and now more than ever is the time to speak to her. She's there for you.
     
  6. Trentacles

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    Yeah, i've basically decided i'm not going to deny it and deal with it just because i don't want people thinking it bothers me. I don't think I'll get too much shit at school, or at least to my face. Some girls were saying mean things on my ex's Facebook timeline but i think they were just trying to be supportive of her without regard to my feelings (obviously). i probably should try to talk to her about things though since i know i handled that less than brilliantly.

    I don't really want teachers being involved. My mum knows what happened but i haven't really talked to her about it since i don't want to. I basically tried to fight him (lol… thanks to p90x's kenpo for teaching me the grab the collar and pull / hook move) though we got separated. but my mum is real pissed at me for trying to fight him, which i admit probably wasn't the smartest idea.
     
    #6 Trentacles, Apr 18, 2014
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2014
  7. Clay

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    Still if you do get bullied, tell someone about it. And yeah if you think you can end things better with your girlfriend then try it, but don't tell her about anything like you and that boys experience.

    Also I doubt your mum cares more about you almost hitting that guy. Don't be afraid to speak to her about these things, she already told you you have her support.
     
  8. looking for me

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    sometimes, in that moment, all you can do is fight. second guessing later is unproductive. obviously you can't change this past week, call it a life lesson. my advise is, and remember that while i haven't come out yet i have years of dealing with morons like these, stay chill, be you and friends do come and go but real friends stay for ever.

    hope you keep your chin up and good luck in your swim meet.(*hug*)
     
  9. Trentacles

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    — If someone tries to bully me i'm just going to ignore them. if i rat them out thats just going to cause more problems for me. i mean if it gets serious then fine. but i'm not going to freak out over small things.

    — My issue with the gf is i really liked her a lot (not sexually) and i still want to be friends with her and around her. there is no way in hell I'm telling her i had sex or that i like anyone.

    — Who knows on my mum. I think she cares a lot that i tried to fight him since i got yelled at a lot about it. She also threatened to take away my playstation if i ever did that again. I mean she probably cares about everything but i don't want to talk to her about it because she definitely wouldn't understand and i don't want her worrying about me. like i'm sure she supports me but i really just want to be left alone.

    — Also, i've had 3 different people verify who it was who told the gf's brother. i really want to confront him but i don't think its a good idea.
     
  10. Clay

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    Still I wouldn't keep your mum out of this. High school can be weird, it's not what "real life" is like, things that make you popular or cool, or a weirdo, mean almost nothing after school. She cares about you more than you almost hitting someone.

    Not else I can really say here. It'd be good to be friends with your ex, though she seems quite horrible after what she did to you on facebook. It seems like she cares more about her image than you.
     
  11. Illus1

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    Hang in there buddy! I really don't have any advice but I read your post and had a flashback of my own experiences, ugh being 14 is hard (and I wasn't out) you are really brave dude! Well I knew somewhat that I was into the same sex at that age or at least I chalked it off to 'a phase' I wouldn't have had the guts to reveal it. Atleast times have changed for the better, All the best tc
     
  12. Agaetis Byrjun

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    Unbelievable. I can totally see why you'd be angry with people being like that. People seem alright and cool, but one person feels somehow slighted, and it's straight into the mob mentality. I hope the school takes some kind of disciplinary action against the kids who did that, it's just plain bullying and harassment. But kudos to you for your bravery in this situation. Stay strong!
     
  13. Aldrick

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    I've read your other thread to get fully up-to-date with your situation... holy hell. I'm going to try and address as much as I can about your situation.

    1. The bullying issue at school. As you've just been outed, we don't know how bad things will be going forward. Obviously, telling people that you can't trust to keep their mouths shut is a huge mistake, but that's a life lesson you've already learned. Going forward, it's best just to be honest. The rumors are going to follow you otherwise, so it's easier just to create a situation where there is temporary gossip. Once you've been honest, it will eventually become old news.

    In the interim, it's a good time to start taking stock of your true friends. The good news here is that there are people who are standing by you, and so you aren't standing up alone. You want to know which friends stand up for you, and which friends do not. Any who turn against you are easy to mark off the list, but those who aren't willing to stand by you when times are tough... Demote them on your friends list. The energy expended on them isn't worth it. You'll likely also encounter people who aren't necessarily your friend, but who will stand up for you nonetheless. Reach out to them, thank them, and make them your friend. Build yourself a strong support network of trustworthy friends and allies.

    2. Don't apologize or feel sorry for standing up for yourself. It generally isn't smiled upon for an adult to tell a kid to beat the hell out of another kid. However, I want to be clear and straight up with you. Bullies only target people who they perceive as weaker than them. They never target people that they think might actually retaliate in a way that could cause them harm or trouble. Keep this in mind as you might encounter more difficult situations with bullies in the future.

    If you have to stand up for yourself, then you do what you need to do. Don't apologize or feel sorry for it. However, dealing with a bully doesn't always mean getting physical. Verbally shaming or humiliating them is equally effective. Occasional non-physical confrontation can also work effectively.

    If you let them know it gets under your skin, then it will continue. If you let them think that they can do it with impunity, it will continue. This is why having friends who will stand up for you is extraordinarily helpful.

    It should go without saying, but I'm going to say it anyway... you should never put yourself in a situation where you are likely to be in danger of being seriously hurt. Taking a few punches is one thing, receiving broken bones or black eyes is quite another. Always think very carefully before you act in these types of situations, because they could escalate.

    3. This brings me to my next important point. Your mother. You need to tell her what happened at school - all of it, and the full story. Don't leave out any details. I can't stress how important it is that she knows, because if you run into trouble at school and have to defend yourself, you're going to need her to have your back.

    Now, when you tell her - it's very important that you put a strong emphasis on the part of the story where you were betrayed. Someone broke your trust. It's very important that you make this point crystal clear to her.

    I don't know what state of mind she's in right now. Honestly, I can't even fathom. Within the span of less than a week she's found out you're gay, that you've just had sex for the first time (with the guy she's accused of being a "bad influence" on you!), and you're getting into fights at school. Your mother hasn't even had time to digest the fact that you're gay yet - hell, you just figured it out yourself. You definitely need to slow down and take a deep breath.

    Now, I have problems with the way your mother dealt with the situation, she didn't handle it as artfully as she could have - especially accusing Alex of being a bad influence simply for being gay. However, what does come across is that she does genuinely care about you, and want to do what is right. Unfortunately, having kids doesn't come with a handbook, and even if it did the handbook is certainly always devoid of the "What to do if your child is gay" chapter.

    It's important to dig deep, and understand that you need your mother right now. You need her, because of what is playing out now at school. You want her to be in a position where she can go talk to the school administrators as well as your teachers, and inform them of the situation. This way if you find yourself getting into some serious troubles at school from the other kids, you at least have some options. This doesn't mean you tattle on every little foul remark, but if you think you are in danger then you need to speak up.

    Having your mother on the same page, means that you can go home and inform her if the teachers and the school administration aren't doing their part. If things get bad for you at school, then it's your mothers responsibility to show up and start raising hell. Being underage and being a student you can't do that on your own.

    Once again, I don't have a clue what state of mind your mother is in at the moment. She likely feels she's experiencing utter chaos and has absolutely no clue what to do. I can't predict what her response will be, especially since I don't know her. However, you need to come clean with her and be honest about what happened at school, and what is taking place on social media.

    4. This brings us to Alex. Now, I'm not going to say anything about you having sex at such a young age. I can't throw stones at glass houses, as I was sexually active around your age. In fact, my first sexual experience was very similar to your own. The difference being that I didn't wait until the pain went away, it involved a great deal more profanity, and threats of violence if he didn't get the fuck off of me. Having had the benefit of many more sexual experiences since that time, I can tell you that it hurt because you were doing it wrong. You can't just let someone ram it in. Anal sex isn't something that you should rush into on a whim, with no clue on what you're doing, as we both painfully learned.

    But I want to set the sex aside a moment, and just focus on the relationship you have with Alex. Now, I'm not sure what type of conversations you've both had. However, I want to throw up some caution flags for you. First of all, you shouldn't get to far ahead of yourself. Alex is an important friendship for you. He's one of the few people you know who understands what you are going through. Having a romantic and sexual relationship with him will complicate that important relationship. After all, what happens if things go poorly?

    You've just come to terms with being gay. You've just been forced out of the closet at school. Your life is about to undergo a radical transformation - one of being closeted to being open. It's impossible to predict how this is going to turn out, and what impact it's going to have on you. Even if you had vast relationship experience, and found yourself in a stable, strong, and healthy relationship this situation would wreck havoc on it.

    It's important to stop and take the time to figure out what you want. Do you want a friendship with Alex? A relationship? Or are you just looking for a fuck buddy? You need to understand clearly what you want, so that you can communicate that to Alex.

    After you know what you want, you have to figure out what Alex wants. Because, what Alex wants may not be what you want, and that makes the situation very complicated, especially considering you've both already had sex.

    It's also important to keep in mind, that just because you had sex, it doesn't mean you're in a relationship. It doesn't even mean that someone has romantic feelings toward you.

    This is why, after figuring out what you want, you then have an honest discussion with Alex to figure out what he wants. This could be a difficult conversation, but it's a necessary one to have. Once you've had this conversation, you'll both at least be on the same page.

    Entering into a relationship with him carries the most risk, because if it ends poorly you could lose him as a friend as well as a boyfriend. Fuck buddies also carries risk, because one of you could start developing romantic feelings toward the other. Friendship carries the least risk, but it's hard to back peddle to this point now that you've both already had sex - especially if he wants something more than just friendship.

    Figuring this all out, and getting on the same page will hopefully save you from future drama. It should also go without saying, but this is a conversation that is best had face to face. Doing this over text messages is the worst option, as it is too easy to misinterpret what the other person is saying, and because it's impersonal it opens up the opportunity for emotions to flare up in a way that they wouldn't face to face.

    5. And finally, your ex-girlfriend. You should definitely have a chat with her. As you pointed out previously, you handled things poorly with her. Regardless whether or not she forgives you or even cares you owe her an explanation. Hopefully, you can smooth things over and reach some sort of understanding. Things may still be too raw and emotional, she may not be willing to listen or be capable of hearing what you have to say. However, that doesn't mean you shouldn't try.

    You'll want to start out with a straight up apology for the way you ended things, and then explain why you ended things with her. You'll want to make clear that you didn't want to mislead her, and that you had no intention of coming out - that people forced you out. Apologize for the way that she found out about you being gay. Take responsibility for your part.

    Then, regardless of her response, you have at least put to rest any of your own wrongdoings. This allows you to forgive yourself, at the very least, and move on from the situation. There really isn't anything she can do to make your situation more difficult that she wouldn't already be planning if that was her intent.

    In the end, being honest, taking responsibility, and attempting to make amends is the right thing to do.

    This is also a conversation that you'll want to have face to face if possible. If that isn't possible, then at least one you want to have over the phone. You don't want to have this conversation through text messages, because there is the possibility that she'd save those and show them to other people. This allows you both to be honest without that concern.

    If things end well, then you might be able to mend the bridge you burned with her, and potentially even gain her back as a friend. This would give you some leverage when it comes to dealing with her brother if he's going to be a problem for you in the future.

    In closing, I apologize if this came off as too blunt or harsh. Your situation is rather serious, there is a lot going on, and I felt it was important to be direct and honest. I desperately hope that you will be able to find some way to stabilize your situation soon and quickly settle into a new normal.

    Please keep us updated. Best wishes. (*hug*)
     
  14. zabby

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    Yeah, pretty much everything has been touched on pretty extensively. I don't have much to add, especially when people like Aldrick put so much heart into their responses!

    I agree with what a lot of people have said: Keep those friends who support you close. The ones that turn on you aren't worth the time or the drama. Stay strong, and many things will work out in time. Good luck!
     
  15. Corwin

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    Wow, I think Aldrick has given you some great advice on all points. Please give it some serious thought.

    I wish you the best during this difficult time. And I think your mom can be a great ally in the time ahead. While she may not have handled everything in the best way, she's clearly on your side and cares about you. Not everyone is so fortunate to have a parent like that. Realize that this is hard for her too, and she's doing her best. Keep her in the in the loop and let her help where she can.

    Best of luck to you.
     
  16. Chip

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    First, you deserve incredible admiration for your courage in coming out, being authentic with your girlfriend, and how you have handled the situation. This is not an easy thing for anyone and probably much much harder for a guy 14 years old with a bunch of athlete friends.

    The truth is, when you are 14, this sort of news is some of the hottest gossip ever so no matter what it's going to get around. But the good news is once it's been the hot topic for a week or two, people will move n to other things and I think people will eventually be fine with it.

    For now just hold your head up and try to just keep being authentic and not let people get to you. And... Give yourself permission to cry, be upset, and feel hurt and humiliated. How you've been treated isn't right particularly among people that should be trustworthy.

    But I think you will find that people will come around given a little time. Keep ranting and charging your feelings. That is the best way to keep yourself sane. And know you've got friends here to help.
     
  17. Trentacles

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    Thanks for the reply. It wasn't too blunt or anything and i appreciate the advice. Sorry it took me a while to respond. i had a busy morning. sorry for any typos i missed as i typed this somewhat quickly and i suck at typing.

    1. Yeah, i'm planning on just being honest about being gay at this point. I don't know if I'll tell some of my extended family though since they have said some very homophobic things in the past when we got together at christmas (they're religious). I don't have a relationship with my dad so there's no need to tell him thankfully. No way in hell i'm telling anyone who i like or anything though.

    My issue with friends right now is i don't know who i trust at all. Im scared people are only being nice to my face but then go and gossip as soon as i leave. i probably care too much about what people think of me. I just don't want to be known only as the gay kid.

    Today before the meet I kind of confronted the guy i was told outted me and he admitted to it. He somewhat apologized but said he's also mates with the ex's brother and didn't think it was fair to keep it from him and that he didnt think it was a big deal, i argued within him a bit and was really really annoyed but dropped it to keep my sanity.

    For the most part everyone was actually pretty normal towards me though there was some teasing. I don't think they were trying to be mean at all. I also had a couple of girls asking way too many questions.

    Also, during my meet one of the older guys asked to go talk (he came up behind me while i was warming up and grabbed my shoulders which scared the shit out of me but whatever). He said i looked sad and asked if i needed to talk about things. I didn't really want to but he did and he said they had a team meeting while i was meeting with one the pool directors and almost everyone had no issues with me being gay and liked me and not to worry about yesterday. I pointed out that "almost everyone" isn't everyone and he said couple of guys said they didn't like sharing a locker room with gay guys but said to let him know or go to the coach if i have any issues. he wouldn't say who it was but alex told me who said it afterwards and i wasn't too surprised. as for the meeting with the pool director, i sort of got in trouble for being physical/fighting. Basically I got warned that she would have to ban me if i hit anyone else on pool grounds. Also, the swimming is through a club and not part of my school, so my school administrators likely don't know. It's not really their job to deal with anything that happens at the pool.

    2. I don't feel bad about trying to fight the guy yesterday. I could definitely get my arse handed to me if i attempted to fight the wrong person and i'm aware. I'm very athletic, but some of the other guys are taller/weigh more/are stronger, so it was probably pretty stupid to try to fight someone older than me. I doubt anyone is going to attack me to the point of a broken bone though.

    "Verbally shaming or humiliating them is equally effective." - I would have to actually have something on them though or its me just saying shit that doesn't matter.

    "Occasional non-physical confrontation can also work effectively." - I have no idea what that means but i'm typically non-confrontational.


    3. I still kind of want to keep my mum out of it. I don't want her making things worst or embarrassing me at school. I definitely don't need her worried about me. She knows what happened at the pool yesterday. I didn't tell her about Facebook. Also she would likely ban me from snapchat if she knew what it was for. I mean she's been somewhat supportive but i get the feeling that she's still upset that i'm gay and it annoys me so much. Like she's still telling me that maybe i just haven't met the right girl yet and its about to make my head explode. I know she's very upset with me about Alex and she keeps trying to talk to me about safe sex which is horrifying. At the same time its like if your so f-ing concerned and say your going to get condoms for me, then why only give me 6? it's like yeah mum, that's going to last such a long time. I just want her to leave me the :***: alone and stay out of things at this point.

    4. Alex— I like him a lot. I honestly don't know what i want from him though. Part of me really wants to date him. i'm definitely into him sexually. I know he wants to date but the idea of anyone knowing scares the shit out of me. He has said that i'm out now so it shouldn't matter and no one will think anything of it but like i don't want him thinking he can hold my hand or snog me in public or anything since i don't want to get gay-bashed. We've been sexting a lot and it's probably a bit to late for the just friends route. Fuckbuddies? Definitely doable, though i think we both kind of want more. We haven't really had an opportunity to fool around again which is probably good since my arse was very sore afterwards but he's very much anxious to try again. He said I should try to get a dildo to practice and its like yeah, and where the f am i going to get that from? He's also said his mum and dad said I'm not supposed to be at his place when his parents aren't home (doesn't mean i can't though. just cany get caught.) and if i go over we're supposed to keep the door open if i come over which is stupid but i guess effective. I really need to come up with an alternative though.

    5. Ex-Girlfriend. *sigh* I tried to talk to her after swimming today and got nowhere. She says i led her on and embarrassed her in front of her friends, how it was all a joke to me, and how she feels stupid that she didn't realize. She basically said she didn't want to be around me or be friends because she still has feelings for me. This is also part of why i am hesitant to date Alex. There was also some crying and i felt like a jerk and didn't say a whole lot. Also, i got the impression that her mum wanted to cut my bollocks off every time i made eye contact with her.

    6. Random — i was invited to a party tonight but i don't know if i want to go since i don't think i should be drinking right now.

    ---------- Post added 19th Apr 2014 at 04:02 PM ----------

    also i appreciate everyone's support even though i may not reply to everyone but i do read everything.
     
  18. Clay

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    Well.. that actually went quite well all things considered.

    I mean you just went through everything all at once. You have had a crazy week, you went through things that some people do over the course of years or never experience. You skipped straight from step 1 to step 10.

    The only thing I can say is you should speak to your mum to reasure her. Everyone has told you that she's there for you, but honestly she probably wants you to speak to her a bit. Her world has just been turned upside down too.

    If you can I'd apologise to your ex. Tell her that was never your intention. You don't even need to remain friends, you can tell her that, but if I were you I'd just end it better than that. I wouldn't do anything more though, too many complex emotions in that situation, it's best to just leave it be after (if) you apologise.

    As for the party, eh this is just me but I would probably go just to show I'm not "hiding". It's entirely up to you.

    I wish I could help you more, but good luck with everything!
     
  19. Anonymouse7

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    Out to everyone
    I was outed when I was 15 so we probably have some fairly similar experiences, obviously mine weren't nearly as intense as yours though!

    You will probably find that most people are uncomfortable prying into your personal life, especially because you were outed rather than came out yourself, but the only advice I will give you is not to worry about what everyone else is feeling, just make sure that you are okay because you've had one hell of a week, if you put up a strong front and just take it in your stride most people will leave you be and get over it, the next gossip will come along soon enough and you can get back on with your life.
     
  20. Aldrick

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    WinterSwimmer - Going to take things a bit out of order.

    1. The Party Issue. My advice on this is to go if you want to go, but only if you can bring friends with you that you know you can trust. Also, drinking should be off the table. You don't know how people will react to the news about you yet, and you could run into trouble. You don't want to be impaired in anyway shape or form if shit goes down. You need your senses all about you, and that's why you should be with people you can trust as well.

    You need to give things some time to play out, so you can get a feel for how things are going to go down with other people before you start letting your guard down. Also, if you decide to go, don't be shocked if people continue to ask you questions. People bugging you about your personal life is going to be your new normal for the next couple of weeks until your coming out becomes old news.

    2. The Ex-Girlfriend. Her reaction is understandable, and I don't really see fault in anything she had to say. Time will heal her wounds, and eventually you may find yourselves friends again in the future. She'll move on and find another guy - one who is hopefully straight - to be the subject of her affections. You've done the right thing, and that's what matters. You can't change the past, but you've made amends as best you can - so now it's time for you to move forward and put the issue behind you.

    3. The Pool Situation. There is a lot of good news in what you've written. Yes, some people may be uncomfortable with you, but the fact that one of the older guys reached out to you... that's a good sign. The fact that the vast majority also seem to be okay with you is also a good sign. Focus on the positive, and keep an eye out for those who will stand with you against those who may seek to cause you trouble.

    Heed the advice of the pool director, the older guy you mentioned, and your coach. The guys with an issue are a minority in the group, and if they are causing problems then they need to be dealt with by them. Avoid physical confrontations so that you can continue swimming, it's something you clearly like to do. You shouldn't be forced to sacrifice it due to bigots.

    4. Gossiping Friends. Let's be clear. People are gossiping. That's how people are finding out, and they're only finding out because the people you told ended up telling other people. They outed you. This was wrong of them. There really is no greater social crime against an LGBT person than outing them before they're ready to tell others.

    It's one of the reasons you had the girls asking so many questions. They have tons of questions, because they want information to go and spread to others. One of the problems you could be facing in the short to medium term future is the truth getting distorted or inflated. Answer the questions you feel comfortable answering, and flatly tell them that the rest is none of their business.

    5. The Friends You Can Trust. You'll find that in life there are very few people you can trust completely. It's more a matter of what degree can you trust someone, rather than a black or white situation. Some people you can trust with anything, and others you can trust with some things but not others. Then there is a smaller group of people that you can't trust at all. Learning to weed these types of people out comes with experience, and it's something you're going to begin learning in the days and weeks ahead.

    You really only need two or three people that you can trust with anything. More than that is just icing on the cake.

    6. The Alex Situation. I really want for you to move forward with your eyes wide open. It's good that you both seem to generally want to head in the same direction, but you still seem uncertain. So much is going on in your life right now that it's completely understandable.

    There is the issue with PDA (public displays of affection). That's also understandable, and insanely common among LGBT people. Even people who are out and proud. Things tend to get a bit easier in this regard if you find yourself in a gay friendly space, usually surrounded by other gay people. However, being fourteen those places are largely closed to you, unless you can find a LGBT friendly youth group. (More on that in a moment.)

    Moving forward with Alex, things are moving rather quickly. My major concern is that you'll both end up getting emotionally hurt due to all the chaos going on right now. My advice is to try and slow things down at least for the next few weeks, and call upon Alex for the emotional support you'll need moving forward.

    However, it isn't clear whether or not Alex is being pushy with you. (For example, being out and open as his boyfriend.) There are a lot of things going on here that deserve it's own topic. My advice is to make a new thread in the Family, Friends, and Relationships forum. That way everything can be focused specifically on the Alex issue, and how to navigate the situation as best as possible.

    If nothing else, my advice is always to talk about things as openly and as honestly as you can with him. Having honest, and sometimes difficult, discussions is always necessary in a relationship. Things have a tendency to go south when people aren't communicating, either because they aren't on the same page, or because someone is afraid to speak up and be honest with what they're feeling. This is also where maturity comes into play, and the ability to listen and respect another person's feelings.

    There is also the issue involving Alex's parents. You are both in a difficult position as a result of being underage. You don't want to do anything to get him in trouble, or have his parents black list you. You don't want to find yourself being labeled as a "bad influence", and basically have his parents start forbidding him to even be friends with you anymore.

    This is something to keep in mind when moving forward with him. Sometimes you think you won't be caught, and you end up being caught anyway. This could range from your mother reading the sexting messages on your phone (delete them now, if you haven't already), or one of his parents snooping on his phone (make sure he deletes them as well). Alternatively, your brother (or one of his siblings if he has them) could find out what is going on and rat you out. Or alternatively, one of his parents or your mother might show up unexpectedly while you aren't supposed to be alone together. Lot's of things can happen, even if you're careful. So, I just want you to have this in the forefront of your mind before you both move forward with anything.

    7. LGBT Friendly Youth Group. I'm unsure if there is one in your area. There may be one at your school, and if not there may be one run by LGBT adults. My advice is to type LGBT Youth Group, your country, and your town into Google. See if you get any hits. If you're in a large metropolitan area, the chances of finding a support group for LGBT youth is high. If you can find one, it will be insanely helpful. Not only will it connect you with other people going through a similar life experience, it will open you up to new potential friendships.

    8. Your Mother. It's completely understandable and normal that you don't feel comfortable talking to your mother about any of this right now. However, having her in your corner can't really be understated in terms of importance. If you keep her out of the loop that can really backfire on you, especially if she starts planning to get heavy handed with you. You want to avoid problems and difficulty as best you can, and the best way to do that is to communicate with her. That can sometimes be difficult, especially if she isn't really listening or is moving onto conversational topics that you find difficult to discuss.

    My advice is to find courage and push through it, or simply be honest and tell her that you don't feel comfortable discussing that with her right now. You can also find alternate ways to discuss things with her that doesn't involve face to face, such as writing her an e-mail. As long as you're communicating with her then things will likely turn out alright in the end.

    As for your mother going on and on about it being a phase... This is normal. Even parents who are 100% accepting, and know that it isn't a phase still sometimes show up here upset at their own feelings. Understand, that this is normal. It's not all that different than what we went through ourselves.

    It's part of the stages of grief: denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance. When we first realize we're gay, most people usually immediately go into denial. They try to suppress what they're feeling, or try to convince themselves that somehow they'll end up straight. When they finally realize that isn't going to happen, many people attempt to bargain either with the 'it's just a phase' or 'maybe I'm really bisexual'. Then people start becoming angry, and start hating themselves, 'Why can't I stop? Why can't I just be normal?!" That is usually followed by depression, in which they are forced to reluctantly accept the truth - that they can't change who they are... which is then usually followed by acceptance. The stages can appear in any order, and people can repeat previous stages. In the end, the goal is always to reach acceptance.

    Your mother is going through that same thing right now. She's just found out you're gay. She's trying to process it. She's looking to bargain with you, 'Maybe you just haven't met the right girl yet... don't close off any possibilities.' This is normal. Eventually, she'll move into another stage, and hopefully before long reach acceptance.

    It can be difficult to be understanding of your mother in this situation. Especially right now, when you really want her love and support. (And for her to stop trying to have awkward and embarrassing conversations with you about porn and sex.)

    Whether it feels like it or not, based on what you've written, it seems like she's doing her best to figure out how to deal with this situation. She seems to genuinely care about you and want what is best.

    She may not being going about it in the most perfect manner possible, but things are far from bad. I'm sure you've thought about how badly things might go if anyone found out about your sexuality, and usually - as I think you're coming to learn - the fear and anxiety is usually over exaggerated compared to reality.

    All things considered, things have gone rather well for you so far. Your mother will eventually come around, and the best way to help her get there is to communicate with her. Even if you only do it because it's purely in your own self interest, to avoid future problems.

    9. Your Extended Family. This is another reason to talk to your mother. At some point, they're going to find out. The more people that know, the greater the chances that they hear it from someone other than you. What do you do if they find out before you're ready? How do you handle that? Your mother could be a big source of support in this area.

    10. Being Sexually Active. This deserves it's own topic as well. There is a lot to cover here, and to go over it in this thread would likely derail it from the other issues that need addressing. It's completely understandable that you don't feel comfortable talking to your mother about it, but the reality is that we aren't born with the knowledge and experience we need to make good choices when it comes to sex. We have to learn it, and that knowledge has to come from somewhere. This forum is a completely safe place to have such discussions, so you should feel free asking questions. No one is going to judge you, because everyone here has either been in your shoes or is currently in your shoes at the moment.

    I encourage you to create a new topic seeking advice for someone who has recently become sexually active. You can post that in the Physical & Sexual Health forum.

    In closing, I hope all of this has been helpful. Over the next few days and weeks, we'll begin to see how things start to play out. Keep us updated and know that those of us here are standing behind you, and are hoping for a positive outcome. In time, things will eventually settle down, and your life will return to a sort of normalcy again. Right now you're dealing with all the difficult parts, but they will eventually pass and you'll be able to put all of this behind you.