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Is it bad I have gotten in the habit of letting my best friend come out for me?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Anomander, Apr 18, 2014.

  1. Anomander

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    I know its been a long time since I have posted anything. I am now out to six friends...I never thought I would be were I am now. Entreatingly enough... I have only come out to three of them myself... Now whenever I go out with my best friend, the first person I told, he will tell people for me. If we are out with a mutual friend who does not know he will ask me if he can tell them... usually I just kinda freeze up and tell him that I am going to get a round of shots and I cant control what he does when I am gone... =P I go get a round, come back and say "surprise!". Then when I see they are ok with it I end up talking about it more and apologize for not telling them myself.

    So far its been a good system that has expedited my coming out processes much more then it would have if I did this one my own. Most of my home friends know now... now I am working on college friends. Most of my friends have been very accepting. The worst reaction I have gotten was a friend who would absolutely not believe it. Even 10 minutes later after I chimed in as well I just got a big smile and a "you guys are wasted" hahaaha type of response. I guess that's not so bad though... lol

    My concern is that I am depending to much on my friend to out me rather then getting comfortable with it myself. Its not like hes going to tell my parents for me...If I am ever inclined to tell them. I think I am getting more comfortable with it as he does it though. I have less second thoughts when he asks my permission to do it. But at the end of the day I have still not actually come out to someone face to face yet on my own. Its been letters, texts, or my friend. Do you guys think I am hurting myself in the long run? Its just so much easier to not have to do anything myself until they know and I can see their reaction... meh I guess I'm pretty lucky to have such a good friend =)
     
  2. thrnvlpidj

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    I think a person should be entitled to come out in whatever manner pleases them. What's important is that you want people to know.
     
  3. fruity

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    I agree with this. tbh though, I think it's kinda odd if someone offers to come out for you in the sense that you may feel pressured to oblige or what not. I mean, as mentioned above, if you want people to know, that's fine, you shouldn't be restricted to face-to-face. I'm just thinking that coming out to every single person is not a requirement by any means, and having someone become comfortable with the idea of outing you isn't really necessary at all if that makes sense.
     
  4. PatrickUK

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    If you are okay with it, that's all that really matters. In fairness, he is asking you first. If it was me, I'd be fine with it.

    It doesn't matter how you come out to people, the point is that you are taking those steps in your life.
     
  5. Aldrick

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    There isn't really any "wrong" way to come out. Allowing your friend to tell people for you isn't a bad thing, it doesn't make you a coward or anything like that. So, there is no need to beat yourself up. It's insanely hard to break the ice and just be upfront and honest with someone, it's intimidating and scary.

    However, you also can't cart your friend everywhere with you. There will be times when you'll need to come out, and he's not going to be there to back you up. So, it's also important that you feel comfortable coming out on your own - that way you don't need him to do it for you.

    One of the biggest obstacles I faced was just saying the words, "I'm gay." It's something I avoided with every fiber of my being for so long, that the thought of those two words ever escaping my lips - it was like my body itself was fighting against me. My mouth just wouldn't move to make the words.

    I found the best way to overcome that is to say it again and again alone. In the car while driving. At home during TV commercials. While looking in the mirror in the morning getting ready. Just say it again and again and again, as often as you can, as loud as you can, as frequently as you can. The more you say it - even when alone - the easier it becomes to say it in front of other people.

    You can start out by telling people with your supportive friend at your side. That way you aren't doing it alone, and he's there for backup in case things go poorly. That's a good safety net. Eventually, hopefully, you'll be able to do it without him being there.

    But there is no pressure. Taking small steps is the best, that way it'll build up your confidence. Over time, things will grow easier and easier, and then you'll be able to do it on your own.
     
  6. a1rborne

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    +1. This exactly what I was going to say. The next time take the lead while your friend is there to support you. I did this often and it helped me a lot. And saying "I'm gay" in front of the mirror, until you do no more have any negative emotions related to it, is really working, I did this too :icon_wink.