Terrified

If you knew for sure about your best friend, would you be terrified of telling her that you are bi and then saying how you feel about her? We all need to start the coming out process by telling someone and it would be good if you could confide in her. I'm just wondering if you would have the confidence to do this if she admitted to you that she is lesbian?

There are ways of trying to have this conversation, without coming straight out with it. You could ask her what she thinks about LGB people generally, or you could ask her if she thinks many kids at school are LGB. Possibly talk about a celebrity who has come out or how more people are now showing an interest in civil partnerships and same sex marriages. If you show that you are really supportive yourself, it may be a way of having that conversation and finding out if she is lesbian, or not.

 

I think almost every gay person has been in your shoes at one point or another in their lives. I certainly know that I have, and yes - it does suck horribly. However, on the flip side, this isn't something that is necessarily unique to gay people. Friends who are straight and are of an opposite gender can also develop feelings for one another as well. There are certainly numerous situations where one friend has feelings for another friend, and those feelings aren't returned - even among straights. So, unfortunately, it's just a shitty experience all around for everyone.

My advice is that you don't tell your friend about your feelings until you've had time to feel out the situation. One of the worst ways situations like this go wrong is when someone admits what they feel, and it changes the entire dynamic of the friendship. Sometimes honesty is necessary - for example, if you're crushing on someone so hard that being near them is just too emotionally painful, and you need some separation for a bit to get over your feelings. Being honest in that case might be necessary to avoid your friend misinterpreting your actions. However, as a general guideline it's not something you want to throw out into the open without more information.

More information, in this type of situation, is trying to figure out whether or not there is even the possibility that she could return your feelings. It's very easy to read too much into someone's actions when you're crushing on them - emotions like this make it easy for us to spot the things we want to see and ignore the things that we don't want to see.

Linco gave you some good advice on testing the waters. Begin testing the waters with a neutral topic. There is so much LGBT news related stuff floating around these days that it's super easy to just steer a conversation in that direction. Alternatively, watch a movie or TV show with LGBT characters with her. Show that you're pro-LGBT and gauge what she has to say.

Depending on how that conversation goes, you could even end up coming out to her as bisexual. Or, even if you don't, you can always make it clear that you wish you had a "gay or lesbian friend" or something. In short, you're trying to make it easier for her to come out to you if she is indeed a lesbian. You're opening the door for her, and telling her it's okay, without confronting her directly and putting her on the spot with: "Are you a lesbian?" It's generally a bad idea to do that, as in most cases - if someone isn't ready, they're just going to deny it no matter the evidence you have to prove them wrong.

Once you have a 'testing the waters' conversation, it'll be easier to assess what you should do next.