No one in my life has ever had a clue to my inner feelings, a fact that I am beginning to realize makes admitting things to people even harder. I have become such a good actor that I sometimes feel that being a guy is who I am after all. Then I think about my female self and realize that I am definitely not a guy. But keeping quiet is becoming impossible after years of silence. I have been in need of someone to talk to, which is my biggest reason for joining the EC in the first place. But online conversations only get you so far. I need someone I know personally to talk to. I know my brother would throw my feelings in my face, so he's out of the question. I have some good friends, but I only met them last fall and am not totally sure about dropping that bomb on them yet. As for my parents, I know for a fact that my mom believes that the LGBT community is ok. In fact her expression is 'its your life not mine, if that's what you want then I don't care.' But im also scared that the fact that her son is actually a girl would still cut pretty deep, no matter how agreeable her opinion, and I don't even know what to think about my dad. Lately I find myself wishing that people would just figure it out, that I would get caught doing research or I accidentally leave my personal written story about a fanciful transition opened on my computer. But I still remain digilent, using incognito and inprivate windows to cover my tracks in browser history, making sure im alone when doing anything, and keeping my story closed or minimized when moving away from the computer even for a second. How do I even begin to tell someone the truth, especially when hiding the truth is now one of my basic instincts?:help:
It's a tough road to travel I'm afraid and it's not an easy one. My mom only found out about me because she saw a bra strap on me while I was sleeping and looked down my shirt. We're still not on the best of terms. Best bet is to find people that you feel close to and come out to them in your own way, on your own terms, with your own timing. While it's a big thing to go through YOU'RE the one going through it. It's very personal and it's all about getting selfish and doing things for you. It sucks at times and it's not easy. It took me a long time to build up courage just to send text messages to friends and family, the closer they were, the harder it was. But, not a whole lot of people have reacted negatively to me which is pretty awesome as well. I'm here if you need an ear m'dear and good luck! (hug)
I'm assuming that since you mentioned parents and a group of friends that you met not long ago, that you're still in school. If that's the case I'm also assuming that there isn't any support from your school such as a group or school counselor. So if those two options aren't a possibility the only other thing I can think of is to find one friend that you can confide in. Not the whole group, but just one and then work your way out from that one friend to more at a pace that you feel comfortable with. If that's not an option then you might just have to drop the bomb and shock the hell out of everyone and hope for the best. Either way I wish for the best for you.
My university actually does have a support group and some therapists, but I haven't joined because of my own wall that I built up to hide the truth. I'm still trying to tear it down. Joining the EC was step 1 in breaking down the barrier. Hopefully talking here will help me to feel more confident about my identity and to build up some courage to go to a therapist or open up to a friend.
Just remember, there is nothing wrong with asking others for help. I firmly believe that we as humans are here to help one another. If we weren't we wouldn't be social beings.
