Hi Everyone! I'm Easton and I am a 17 year old gay guy. I've known that I am gay for a couple of years now but I have only recently come to accept it. (But I still struggle with quite a few aspects of it) I really just wish that I had a normal life and that I wasn't gay so I could just go about my life, find a wife, have kids and start a family but then again there are a lot of other people in this world that are in worse situations than my own that wish their life was "normal" so I should be thankful for that... I consider myself to be pretty close to a heterosexual guy in the way I act and I'm not really into the whole being flamboyant thing (don't get me wrong, I have a friend who is a pretty flamboyant gay and I think he's great) and I don't really known any openly gay person who is what I would consider similar to my type which is frustrating and discouraging because I worry there aren't many people like me. So since I have known that I was gay for a couple of years, I've always been terrified that it would come out, however, having read a number of amazing threads of people coming out on EC, I think that now is the time that I want to start coming out to some people however I still have a couple of apprehensions. 1. This is probably my biggest worry... So my Mom seems to be completely fine with gay people and I don't think that she would treat me any different once I come out to her. She's openly talked about how if I was gay, she would just want to know and that she will always love me no matter what and the usual. My Dad on the other hand is quite homophobic (calling a person in a lesbian relationship dudes, sighing and shaking his head whenever any flamboyant person comes on TV, making derogatory remarks about gay people... you catch my drift). Because of his attitudes, I really don't think that I want to come out to him right now because I am going to university locally next year and I plan on staying home and not to mention, I am going to need the financial support from them to help pay. My parents marriage is pretty rocky right now and I think that if I came out to my Dad, it would be the final blow to end the whole thing. This means that the only people I would be able to come out to are my friends at school which I guess is possible but is definitely more difficult. This is amplified by the fact that my brother is in Grade 9 at my school as well so if I come out at school he will definitely find out and I'd have to ask him to keep it from my dad. My brother also makes homophobic remarks but I think that is mainly from my dad's influence and that overall, he would be ok with it. 2. At my school I am super involved with a ton of things (President of student council, link crew, leadership camp organizer, track and field...) meaning that I'm lucky enough to have lots of friends however, coming from a school that is in the middle of the country with 50% of the school coming from the city and the other 50% from a big range of rural areas, there are quite a few people who have negative attitudes towards gay people at my school. There are other openly gay people at my school but most of them aren't as well known as I am and I feel like I'd be a much bigger target for bullying. 3. I really don't want the relationship with my current friends to change. The majority of people who aren't heterosexual (is it socially acceptable to just call these people queer?) at my school just hang out together in a group that I really don't think that I'd fit into nor would I want to. I worry because I do sports and I’m scared that people are gonna be all weirded out in the change room and make me have to be different and change in the bathroom or something like that. 4. I don't want to be known as "that gay guy". I don’t want to let being gay define me because I feel as though for some people it does and that is unfortunate. I want to be known as (insert my actual first name here) and nothing else. I want to be a guy who just so happens to be into other guys. Finally, this is a quote I found on Humans of New York and it was from a gay man that he interviewed and it really reflects my views: “ I feel like a lot of people bring discrimination on themselves by getting in people’s faces too much. They like to say: ‘Accept me or else!’ They go around demanding respect as a member of a group, instead of earning respect as an individual. And that sort of behavior invites discrimination. I’ve never demanded respect because I was gay, and I haven’t experienced much discrimination when people find out that I am." This is exactly what I want to AVOID, being the person that demands respect because I’m gay rather than earning it myself. This ties into my hope of not letting being gay define who I am. So why do I want to come out? 1. I just feel like it’s the time and that I am ready for at least my friends to know. 2. I don’t really want to leave high school with all of these people not knowing the truth. 3. My school just finished a week of workshops from EGALE Canada as a pilot school for one of their new programs and I feel that since I am a student leader, coming out now could be helpful for a lot of other possibly queer people at my school. 4. Some of the threads here on EC just make it seem like I would really be able to enjoy just getting this off of my back So now that I’ve read all of this, it seems to me like I have more cons than pros on my list here but regardless I still would like to start coming out so I guess that I am just looking for advice on how to mitigate some of this stuff, especially on how to keep my dad from finding out and I guess just general opinions. I am thinking that I might try telling my ex-girlfriend first. (I know this may seem weird but it was a long time ago and we really are just really good friends now) But I have also considered telling a teacher that really is like a mom to all of her students and has already said that she totally supports gay people so I thought about telling her first just so I could ensure a positive experience my first time but then I also thought that it seemed weird telling her for the first person. So shout out if you actually read all this and hope you are all having a great easter!
You may have more cons but it seems the pros outweigh them. Coming out to your teacher sounds like a good idea. She would be in a good position to help you sort out some of your cons. 1. Your Dad. If your mom has talked about accepting you as gay she has likely discussed with your dad the possibility you might be gay. He might be more accepting than you think. 2. Your involvement in school activities would make it less likely to be bullied. 3. Relationships always change when people grow; most of your friends will probably stand by you. If people are weirded out by you in the change room -they- can change in the bathroom. 4. It sounds like you have already earned a lot of respect. Your involvement with so many school activities ensures that you will never be considered just "that gay guy". Your position makes it imperative that you come out because it will be extremely helpful for a lot of other possibly queer people at your school.
It's very easy to talk ourselves out of coming out by considering the negatives too deeply (some real, some perceived) and paying little attention to the positives. It's time for you to start thinking about the positives a bit more. Once you reach a point of self acceptance (and I think you have), it can start to feel suffocating in the closet. You can never truly be yourself while you remain there. Certain conversations can fill you with dread and it becomes necessary to build a level of deception into our lives. Our relationships with other people become slightly false and it can do untold emotional damage as we supress our feelings more and more. We end up creating a monster if we are not careful. There is no right or wrong way to come out, just like there is no right or wrong time, but there are things to take into account, parents being one of the biggest. In your Mom I think you have an ally, I suspect she might even have guessed reading your comments, but your Dad may be different... but not necessarily. There are times when a parent, confronted by the reality that one of their own children is gay, changes their entire tone. Certainly happened with my Dad, who, like yours sneered at all things gay until he realised I was myself. I'm not saying he is totally comfortable with that part of who I am now, but he never says anything neagtive or hostile and visits my partner and I quite often, even helping us move home. It's important to realise that you don't choose to be gay and being gay doesn't change everything about you either. In actual fact, it changes very little. You don't suddenly become camp with a fancy for glitter, heels and make up as soon as light enters the closet. These are the sterotypes that some straight people like to focus on and beat us with. If you don't already like these things, you won't like them on coming out. The reason you don't see many straight 'acting' gay men like you is because we blend into the crowd just fine. I'm not trying to pretend that coming out is plain sailing all the way. Of course there are risks and unknowns, but isn't that the case with life in general? The main thing is to mitigate those risks, where we can. In coming out, we pick who we choose first carefully and build up a good support network, just in case we have some bad moments later down the line. You know who your good friends are - tell them first and maybe test the water a bit beforehand, if you are unsure. If your ex gf and the teacher at school are cool people, tell them. When it comes to your parents, go with your Mom first and see what she thinks about telling your Dad. It is a fact that neagtive attitudes sometimes fold when a person is brave enough to come out. I'm not saying you should/must be that person, but your position on the school council and general popularity could work out so well, if you can. Maybe get the support of that teacher and some of your friends first? Sorry, this is a long reply, but I hope it's helped a bit. Feel free to message me through my wall. Just an extra thought - you've already taken your first step towards coming out by posting on here and coming out to all of us. Might only seem a small step right now, but we all begin the journey somewhere.
Thanks, thrnvlpidj and Linco! You've both given me quite a bit to think about! I am kind of wondering whether it is possible for me to be able to be out at school without my parents knowing because I feel as though I'm just not ready yet for them... Or is that even a good idea?
I don't think its possible for your parents not to know if everyone at school knows. Kids tell their parents. Their parents tell yours.
If you are not ready for your parents yet Easton, you may not be able to come out to everyone at school, but don't let that stop you completely. I think it would be good to tell the supportive teacher you mentioned and any trusted friends who you have confidence in. Just make sure they know it's "in confidence". You'd be surprised how much of a difference it can make to tell just a few people.
Thanks Linco and WinterSwimmer, I think that I am going to go ahead this week and tell a couple trusted friends. Hopefully everything goes ok! Do you have any tips on how to come out? I've read a couple of sites but I think that personal experience counts for a lot on this sort of thing.
There is no right or wrong way Easton, the main thing (for me) is to not build it up too much. Being gay is totally normal and we should make coming out as normal as possible. Personally, I would avoid "I have something to tell you" and go in with "Have you got a couple of minutes/time for a quick chat..", just sounds a lot more casual and relaxed and that's the idea - to be yourself. It shouldn't be a big speech. Try to pick a day/time when you (and they) are not under too much pressure as you don't really want to be having this 'chat' in the middle of a load of stress. Apart from that, just tell people what you have told us; you've known for a while, you've accepted it yourself now, you like to be honest with people, you trust the person you are telling as a good friend. Above all, you are still Easton, nothing has changed - you still like the same things and have the same interests, but you just want to let them know. Leave it at that... like I said, a quick chat. They might have questions and you should try to answer them honestly, but just be as cool as you can be with it. In all honesty, I've reached the point now where I just tell people in general conversation (like straight people do), but that's much easier when you've been out for 15+ years. Hopefully, you'll feel able to do the same one day. Good luck - let us know how it goes
I would try telling a close friend or two and the teacher that you mentioned And i agree with linco, make it casual and try not to tell everyone i the middle of stress Otherwise, good luck
So I ended up coming out today! I came out to my ex-girlfriend while we were on spare. I tried to not make it a big deal like you said Linco so I just asked her if she wanted to come with me to go talk. I really didn't know how to get into the subject so we just walked around and chit chatted and then we started talking about university. This is how it went: R: I'm so glad that you and C are coming to university with me! You two will be like my gay best friends... but not actually. Me: ... actually ya... I'm Gay... R: What?! Me: ya... R: So I actually do have a gay best friend!? And then she went on to ask when I found out, who else knew (she was very happy to be the first one), what my parents thought and other stuff like that. I'm so glad that I got the chance to come out like that because I think it made it a lot more casual. It was really great! She said that she had kind of suspected but had recently started thinking that I was actually straight... well surprise! I'm just really glad and relieved that that she received it so well and it couldn't have gone better! I feel a lot more comfortable with it now and there is another small group of 4 friends that I think I will tell this weekend. I think that they are a good choice because we often hangout with just the 4 of us and that way I will have a group of people where I can be comfortably out rather than having a couple of people knowing in a larger group. Thanks everyone for all the advice and support (&&&) . This forum is great and I plan on remaining active!
That's great news! Really pleased it went so well and made me Here's hoping for more support from your friends.
That's such great way to come out; somebody suggests it and you confirm it. Hope the group thing goes just as smoothly. I think this forum will be greater with you around!
Easton, you have a lot going for you. Taking small steps forward should give you more confidence. Slipping your sexual orientation into casual conversation is much better than making a big announcement. Good luck to you.
