Life story time? :bang: sorry friends... bear with me I have always known I was a lesbian. I was pretty young when I realized. But one day when I was twelve or thirteen my mom in passing said something to the effect of she'd rather have a stripper for a daughter than a lesbian. Ouch. So I stuffed my feelings down and just fantasized...my mom and my sister were all I had. Now I am twenty-six. And I'm pretty sure my mom might be a little grossed out at first, but would not disown me if I came out to her. So here is part two of my story, what made me realize I need some change. I'm disabled. I have a neurological disorder which I'm pretty sure I've had since birth(?) but which has manifested quite recently and has resulted in my non-dominant hand curling almost into a fist. I began seeing an acupuncturist as part of my treatment and as I walked into my second appointment, he said "my first impression of you. You need to stop grasping the wind" WOOOOW. What an apt description of me. Later that week I had sleepover with my bff and we shared a bed. I hadn't come out to anyone yet (nor would I tell her for a few days after that) but lying next to her and knowing that I needed to come out and feeling her warmth next to me was incredible. Just sleeping next to a woman I love was so fulfilling. That was one of the strands of 'wind' I needed let go of, to stop trying to control... my sexuality. I am not straight. Every time it say or type: I am a lesbian, it is so incredibly freeing. But there is a catch. I am in a straight relationship. We've been together for four years. We share an apartment when he isn't taking care of his grandma. He doesn't and does repulse me.... Beyond physically. For instance, he knows I struggle to walk so four mornings a week he drives me to the absolute closest point on campus to where I take classes and work. So sweet, right? Plus he stuck around when my disability started really taking over... But there's a side to him that is controlling. He is an older man 20 years older than me. He owns his own condo but I have never been allowed inside it. We drove past it once. He has a solid career and I am a grad student but I pay more for our apartment than he does. Not even 50/50. And when he intentionally got me pregnant, he told me on my birthday that because of a bad dream he had, I was going to terminate it. Even today, he would say it was his decision... Of course it was my own, but I didn't feel there were many options. I came out to him yesterday, told him that I loved him (I do) and I would be with him for as long as our relationship lasts but that if (when?) we broke up I would be exclusively with women, that I am a lesbian and he said,"it must be your meds" as if on the side of painkillers it says side effects may include homosexuality. And that was the end of that discussion... even though I told him years ago I have always wanted to be with a woman and once he fell in love with me, he got insecure. What would you do friends? I'm sorry this was so long. I thank you for reading my story if you got to this point! Lol... But please :help:
Hi Alis I think the answer is contained within your posting , don't you? There may still be some level of feeling towards your partner, but it's not bringing you fulfillment or happiness. When you write that you are a lesbian you gain a level of certainty and assurance from it. When you share a bed with a woman it gives you a feeling that is so right. More than anything you have felt same sex attraction for years and see yourself grasping the wind. What's all of this telling you Alis?
what disturbs me about your post is your "partner" he has a condo that your not allowed into, you pay the majority of the freight for your apartment, he is "controlling", intentionally got you pregnant and then forced an abortion ( not sure i read that right), if i read that right ( i apologize if i got that wrong) that is abuse and you need out of that relationship As Soon As Possible!!!. im not sure where you live but there are agencies in every city to help women get out of abusive relationships, and i would bet there is an agency on your campus that would help you transition out of such a "relationship"
