So basically in my group of friends everyone gossips, and if one person knows I'm gay, everyone knows. My issue is I want to tell some people and keep it from others, specifically two of them. I've come to terms with my sexuality and accepted myself, and the issue isn't IF they'll accept me, I know they will, I have a weird reason for not wanting these two to know. Last year, my freshman year, I was in a really bad place emotionally and it all centered around the fact that I was gay. (I would go into detail but basically it was all worries that people would find out and like shun me.. I was reading too many of those scary coming out stories online and I'm pretty sure it was an irrational fear because everyone in my life with the exception of my grandfather and maybe my parents would be okay with it). Anyway, at that time they decided it would be a good idea to ask me point blank if I was gay, and it just sucked to be put on the spot like that because I hadn't even accepted myself. I told them no, and even since they're constantly bothering me asking me if I'm gay, but I keep denying it. It's not a self-acceptance issue anymore, but I feel like they don't deserve to know because the way they approached me hurt me a lot, and I felt like they should understand because one of them is bi or pan? Not really sure she never officially came out as anything she just dates both sexes. It's not a really dramatic story, it's just that I want my friends to know but those two make me unsure and whenever they bring it up and ask me if I'm gay it takes me back to that time. It's a weird question because I know they'll accept me and I'm comfortable with myself and I'm ready to be out.. but I feel like if I tell them it'll end in an argument because those emotions will come out after all this time. I don't want to lose them, because I love them, their only flaw is on this issue. But on the other hand I really do want to stop lying to my friends, but if I tell everyone else and not them they're bound to hear it elsewhere, and that would turn out just as badly or worse. I just want a fresh pair of eyes looking at my situation.. cause I really can't tell if I'm worried for no reason or if it's an actual concern.
If you love your friends you have to live with their flaws. Don't be afraid to let your emotions out; arguments can strengthen relationships.
If all of your friends are inclined to gossip and will not keep a confidence I'm afraid it will be difficult to keep this from the two people you mentioned. I'm out to everyone, but if I'm being honest, there are some people who I'd have rather kept if from, in the ideal world (for reasons other than reaction). Thing is, we don't live in the ideal world where everything is within our control and human relationships are notoriously difficult to manage. Sometimes, we have to shrug our shoulders and accept things for the sake of being open, or maintain our silence. I'd tell all your friends, but make sure these two are the last to know. If they ask you why you denied it, I would tell them the truth; that you didn't appreciate the way they asked and hassled you about it. What do you think?
I know if I was going to do it that's the way I would want it to happen. It's just it's not urgent for me to come out and I'm worried about the friendship falling apart. I know I want to come out eventually, It's a matter of when.
I agree, sometimes having that conversation with friends. Being open and honest about how feel in regards to their treatment may be helpful! After all, if you consider them as friends being honest should only help the relationships. Plus it adds the extra bonus of clarifying your earlier denials!
I denied to a lot of my friends for a long time also. My recommendation is that you take the plunge and just tell them. The good thing is that if you tell one of your gossipy friends, then all your friends will know. But, really. It's better to tell them and not stress about them anymore.
From a fresh pair of eyes: Why not tell the 2 friends, to whom you previously denied being gay, just before the others. Explain that at the time you were not entirely sure of your sexuality so you answered no, but you are now a confident gay guy and ready to tell the world. By you telling them first and them not hearing it second hand from others it “may” give you some power over them i.e. they won’t be able to out you because you have outed yourself first. You said you thought they should understand better; perhaps they misguidedly thought they were trying to help you by forcing you to confront yourself before you were ready. If it’s the case that they do know better and only wanted to help they will completely understand your reluctance to out yourself earlier so don’t beat yourself up about lying to them. If you decide to do this I would make sure you tell your other friends as soon as possible afterwards before they find out from the 2 you have just told putting you in complete control of the situation. I don’t know how you feel about this or how practical it may be. Since news travels at the speed of a text message these days you could perhaps prepare 2 different messages and send them with a slight delay. The first just to the 2 friends you mentioned in which you explain as above, and the second to your other friends. You could invite them all to meet up later so you could tell the whole group of your voyage of self-discovery and save yourself having to make the speech many times. I don’t know if you have seen the film “Clear and Present Danger” in which Harrison Ford plays the part of Jack Ryan an intelligence analyst. In the film a discussion takes place in the US Presidents Oval office about some politically damaging news involving the friend of the President. The initial thought was that the President to deny the friendship existed, but Jack Ryan suggested the press would find out and then start looking for a cover up. Jack Ryan suggested the President go the other route by saying that he was a good friend of this person who was involved in the politically damaging news there by giving the press nowhere to go with the story. Jack Ryan said “What’s the point of trying to defuse a bomb that’s already gone off”. In essence the Jack Ryan example is all about controlling the flow of information so that you have the upper hand even when the news may be difficult to deliver. I hope this gives you a different perspective. Sale Gay Guy
