Hello all, I've never really written down anything about my life and I think about things all the time so I just needed a safe space to collect my thoughts and share my anxieties. I've known I was a lesbian since I was 15, now 25. Of course I struggled with this. I grew up in a small town, small province, with small minded people. Of course nothing life threatening since my rights are protected by law. Just judgement in the minds of the people who live here. And this makes me very anxious. Although I am very lucky to live where I live and have the rights that I have, I cannot brush aside this anxiety I have about coming out. I cam out to my mom when I was 17, only because I was attending a queer youth group in the city and she was clearly not buying my stories about going into the city. And of course she cried and said she wished shed have know so she could help me and what not. .. but I've never felt accepted by my mother. I feel tolerated. She doesn't tell other people..in fact shes very much afraid of what other people think of her in general. My mother and I are not emotionally close ... but all I wish for is that she would accept and love me for me. and celebrate who I am. Just under a year ago I came out to most of my immediate family and a few of my aunts. Although this was kind of forced. Basically my fiance gave me an ultimatum, tell my family or she leaves me. I did feel like a weight had been lifted.. and my aunts congratulated us on our engagement. But my father has never said a word about it.. he acknowledges us and talks to us.. but never speaks of it. My fiance, is out. Has been completely out since she was 12. And she just cannot understand my fear or anxiety. (not that I do either...) But she thinks I should just be able to turn it off and not care what others think. And I wish so much that it was that easy. But because she does not understand this I cannot talk to her about it. She just gets angry with me because in her eyes my fear is shame. And thinks I am just ashamed to be with her. Which is not how I feel at all. I cannot rationalize my fear... and I hate that I have such anxiety over telling people. In public situations such as work etc. I just avoid talking about my personal life. While someone else will openly talk about what they did on the weekend with a significant other, I avoid even talking about those situations ... and I hate that that is how I feel. I need courage.. and I don't know how to find it. There is a queer group here that has a mentor ship program and I've considered joining as a mentee because I want someone to talk to ... but I am afraid my fiance will be angry that i need to talk to someone who isn't her, or that she wont understand. Or I've considered talking to a therapist, but again I am afraid she wont understand because she doesn't understand my fear and anxiety.. This is very long but it feels good to write it down... there is so much more in my head and feelings.. but this will do for now.
Welcome to EC! I found that writing out my thoughts here and in my blog helped me solidify my acceptance of myself more than anything up to that point. And in the process I made some great friendships here. I hop you find the site as welcoming, supportive, and helpful as I have. -Rick
Talk to a therapist. If she doesn't understand you, talk to another therapist. Join the mentorship program. If your fiance has objections to your attempts to become a better person, I question the future of the relationship.
I am sorry your fiancee judges you, of all people she should be there for you and whatever you need to do to improve yourself, your health she should support. If you are troubled, than you should let it out. I applaud you for coming here and glad that you brought it to the attention to this site and the people on it. Makes me glad to say that bringing it out to the world on here brings you THAT much closer to feeling better to knowing yourself. I know the unreasonable shame, "Who will find out? What will they say?" Something that cannot be shaken, yet we know it is powerless against us in the end. We are our worst enemies at times. What I think about is this: Just need to know that mentally strong people make it through life and succeed by improving themselves and not dwell on the past or what they cannot control(what others might say). You can over come that fear.
